Disgusting Floral Gifts For Ungrateful Madonna

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Madonna is so far removed from society, that even small gifts from us plebs make her angry. Gestures are just not enough, as we’re supposed to know exactly what she likes or else we’ll incur her stupid, pointless wrath.

We saw this yesterday on these pages as she turned her aged nose up at a lovely flower, brought to her by some bloke in a suit.

And so, this got us thinking. What flower would we give to Madonna if we were unlucky enough to meet her? Opinions were sought around the ‘spray hovel, and some very interesting answers emerged.

There’s a huge number of plants and flowers out there which we could try and impress Madonna with.

Alas, we’d be most likely to give her some that scorch her skin and poison her.

That would invariably end in a prison sentence, we figured we’d offend her in other ways.

And so, here’s our list of disgusting plants we’d give to stupid, ungrateful Madge who, quite frankly, doesn’t deserve our time or effort.

But we do like ‘Into The Groove’.

(Not enough to stop us from being peevish and send her vile plants though)

Hydnora africana

This horrible looking thing is a parasitic flower that kills everything surrounding it. Better than all that though, is that this unusual plant emits the smell of faeces. AND IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT MINGE.

Dracunculus vulgaris

The Dracunculus vulgaris smells like rotting human flesh, which is nice. Madonna would love that no doubt, as it reminds her of the humans she feasts on in her futile bid to stay young. Also, IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS A BIG, BLACK DONG.

Monkey cups

Aw! Monkey cups! Cups that monkeys drink from, right? Wrong. Also known as the Pitcher Plant, this thing can eat rats. Seriously. A meat eating plant. Little Shop Of Horrors, come true to life. It also looks like a really exotic toilet.

Vegetable sheep (Raoulia eximia)

This stupid thing looks like a sheep grazing on rocks from a distance. They’re thoroughly ugly and will die in the care of Madonna, leaving her with the feeling of having killed a poor innocent lamb.

Rafflesia arnoldii

Look! Look at this horrible thing! Madonna would love to be given one of these. Why? Because it smells like a dying mammal and looks like it has acne.

Amorphophallus


Look at this horror. The name means, literally, “shapeless male genetalia”, which Madonna could use to remind herself of her former beau, Guy Richie.

Birthwort (Aristolochia gigantea)

Hey! It’s the Giant Birthwort or Dutchman’s Pipe. It’s a plant covered in hair and was given its name thanks to looking at bit like afterbirth.

Welwitschia

It looks like a diseased dragon’s tongue, is covered in wasps, hugely poisonous and is around 2000 years old. Madonna would have a lot to identify with.

Elephant’s Trunk (Pachypodium namaquanum)

Look at this stupid, ugly thing. It looks like Fido Dido got sucked up by an elephant. Madge would love one of these thrown at her by an adoring fan.

Next week: We fend off green fingered idiots for getting fundamental things wrong about all these plants no doubt.

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Comments

  1. Simon R. Gladdish says

    A brilliant and well-researched opinion piece. I am genuinely surprised that more people don’t read and contribute to Hecklerspray.

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