David Copperfield is a man famous for making the Statue Of Liberty disappear, although recent allegations might suggest that he only made her disappear so he could climb up inside her skirt and fiddle around in her giant metal vagina.
That's because a Seattle woman is claiming that David Copperfield 'forced himself' on her in the Bahamas. Although this claim has caused the FBI to raid one of David Copperfield's warehouses and take a hard drive and a camera's memory stick, David Copperfield and his lawyers have categorically denied that the supposed rape ever took place, and that David Copperfield has never raped anyone. If the rape claim is found to be true, David Copperfield's career and personal life will end up in tatters and he'll live the rest of his life a broken man. On the plus side, though, millions of people around the world will have realised why they've always found David Copperfield so flipping creepy. So, you know, it's swings and roundabouts.
When David Copperfield first started out in magic all those years ago, he was his only competition. Any time a fresh new pretender came onto the scene, David Copperfield could just vanish the Great Wall Of China or cut himself in half with a saw and blow the competition out of the water. But that's all changed now – David Blaine has stolen David Copperfield's thunder when it comes to huge endurance-pushing spectacles and Criss Angel has stolen David Copperfield's thunder when it comes to banging famous female celebrities. So now David Copperfield finds himself in the unfortunate position of finding a new image for himself.
David Copperfield the mugger-confounder? No, that's far too niche. David Copperfield the owner of the fountain of youth? David Copperfield's own face is proof enough that he isn't. David Copperfield the rapist? That's getting there, but it sounds a little too on the nose. David Copperfield the alleged rapist? Bingo.
All of which is a way of saying that a woman has accused David Copperfield of raping her while on holiday in the Bahamas, even though he's pretty sure he didn't. The Associated Press reports:
Days after FBI agents searched a Las Vegas warehouse belonging to David Copperfield and a casino theater where the magician regularly performs, his lawyer rebutted an allegation that Copperfield "forced himself" on a woman. "An unidentified woman has made serious allegations against David Copperfield," said Friday in a statement. "It is important these allegations be put into perspective," Chesnoff said. "Although authorities have not revealed her identity to us, we know these allegations are false because David Copperfield has never forced himself on anyone."
This is obviously an ongoing investigation, and it would be incredibly unwise of us to start chucking our opinions around before anything has been proved or disproved. But then you have to ask yourself why David Copperfield – a man who Claudia Schiffer willingly had sex with for six years – would even be slightly considered as a potential rapist. And then invariably come to the conclusion that, guilty or not, it's probably because of his creepy bloody eyes.
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