Conan O'Brien is a very, very sinful man. Just to give you a sampling from his heaven-defying list – he once ate a Bible. You read that right – also we heard he once watched a puma hump an ostrich egg. Sources say he didn't even intervene.
Conan O'Brien is going to hell. As this is a shame because his show is quite good, we only wish his soul could somehow be saved. Unfortunately though, our God is an angry God holding Conan over a fiery pit by a slim spider's thread. O'Brien's puma-watching ways have apparently done him in for good.
We think that's why he's currently being stalked by a Catholic priest. Rev. David J. Ajemian has taken an interest in the talk show host alright – enough to visit his parents home and get arrested whilst sneaking in to a taping of Late Night With Conan O’Brien. We figure Ajemian has gotta be trying to spiritually save Conan. Either that or he's got a gay infatuation with the lanky redhead, but that's impossible because Ajemian's a priest.
And historically speaking priests are never gay.
Sometimes talk show hosts get the wrong kind of attention. David Letterman has been accused of seducing a woman using only his eyebrows and pouty-televised lips. Jay Leno has thousands of open invites to dinner at the houses of weirdos, and we think Johnny Carson might have died once or something. We're not really sure because we lost track of him some time ago.
Now it's Conan O'Brien's turn. His case is even stranger though because it's a man of the cloth trying to nudge into his life. David J. Ajemian was ordained a priest in 2001. All who attended the ceremony say the splattering goat blood was a beautiful sight, but it was the 13 orphan boys dangling upside down that really stole the show. It's because them spinning by their ankles helped bring in a sense of urgency to Ajemian's calling, we assume.
Ajemian has been sending O'Brien a whole bunch of nasty mail, and excerpt of which is:
"I’m told by some of those officious little usher people that you’re overbooked. Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans? You owe me big-time pal. I want a public confession before I ever consider giving you absolution—or [I want] a spot on your couch."
The now in-custody priest has reportedly also contacted O'Brien's parents, and stuffed his hand way too far up that cigar-smoking dog puppet. We're told that latter incident will somehow be worked into a criminal charge.