Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.
And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.
Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.
It’s great that Coldplay are back, isn’t it? Really, we’re not joking – if there’s one thing we enjoy it’s the sight of a band cartwheeling around on an iTunes advert in silhouette, so we don’t have to look at their shameful apologetic faces during it.
And make no mistake, Coldplay are back. Their new album Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends comes out on June 12; the band’s next step in their interminable ‘write album/ claim album is best album ever/ release album/ disown album/ write album’ recording cycle. The first single from the album was downloaded by two million mostly underwhelmed people, so everything’s in place for it to be tediously ubiquitous once it comes out.
And Coldplay aren’t taking any chances with this one, either – as well as free downloads and iTunes adverts and vinyl singles glued to magazines, the band wants to make sure that Viva La Vida doesn’t cause any adverse reactions – like making people involuntarily vomit and cry and deliberately shun all forms of human intimacy for the rest of their lives. And that’s why a duet that Coldplay recorded with Kylie won’t be appearing on the album.
Yes, Coldplay recorded a duet with Kylie. Apparently, it’s ‘too sexy’. We’re scared too. The Mirror reports:
Chris Martin has revealed Coldplay’s collaboration with Kylie will be released next year because it was too sexy to include on their new album. When he was asked why it didnt make it on to latest record Viva La Vida, he said: “Well, its just too sexy. At this point, we cannot be that sexy, also we haven’t quite finished it. It’s a song called Lunar and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.”
Mmm, sexy. A scrawny-looking vegetarian who names his children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures singing a saucy song with a 40-year-old midget whose face increasingly resembles the Scream mask with a prolapsed eyebrow.
Thank God Coldplay didn’t release it – just think of all the spontaneous municipal orgies that’d happen every time it got played on the radio. Really, their concern for public hygiene is second to none.
Don’t get too comfortable, though, because Chris Martin is adamant the Kylie collaboration will be released on a record planned for the future. That record – Coldplay Sings The Songs That’ll Make You Sit In The Corner Of A Room In The Dark Trying To Claw The Repulsion From Your Skin With Your Fingernails – is due out next year, by the way.
Mithaearon says
I fucking hate Coldplay, they were one of the bands responible for killing my buzz at the end of the 90’s
The Groaner says
I read in a US music review mag Coldplay described as Corporate Anemia.!!!
EMI must be really desperate about X tanking, and their diminishing supply of acts, that they get each one to big the other up with nonsense.
Kylie is the very antithesis of “sexy” ,with wandering men/ lovers – all of them,and such deep lyrics like 2 Hearts Beating Together, or wow wow wow , la la la, woa woa woa, or do you want it do you feel it.!! DJ you touch my vibe and I am sensitised.
Dear god.!!! Preserve culture from the obscenely mediocre.
princess cm says
yeah fuck you blogger and coldplay is fucking amazing so shut the fuck up
J Bollocks says
princess cm says it all and very well too, although I can’t tell coldplay from radiohead (which one is thom in?)
Kylie is lovely, and so are her panties, and other assorted garments.