"When Smokey sings," sang ABC a decade ago "I hear violins" – but to the youth of today, when Cliff Richard sings they hear the sound of a giant deafening car alarm exploding into an overcrowded orphanage built of metal and endangered animals.
The music of Cliff Richard is literally the worst thing that today's young can possibly hear. That's not so good if you're a young person – or Cliff Richard, come to think of it – but if you're a travelling funfair plagued by swarms of marauding hoodies, a quick burst of any Cliff Richard record is just the thing you need to send them scurrying back to their Vauxhall Novas in floods of tears, as 1950s travelling show Carters Steam Fair victoriously discovered recently. It sounds like a win for Carters Steam Fair but – looking objectively – now they don't have as many paying customers plus they have to listen to sodding Cliff Richard music all day. Way to go, carnies.
In the near future, hecklerspray should really get its act together and market a compilation album called Now That's What I Call Violently Oppressive Music For Crushing The Will Of Your Enemies. At the moment it'd only contain terrorist-busting Christina Aguilera and a bunch of Cliff Richard songs, so it probably wouldn't sell that much. Except to the good people at Carters Steam Fair, of course, who have discovered that playing Cliff Richard songs all the time is a cheaper and far less illegal way to keep gangs of yobs at bay than loosening all the screws on their rides so that all teenagers die in terrible agony. Not that Carters Steam Fair ever did that, of course. Anyway, The Sun quotes fairground boss Seth Carter:
“We cater mainly for families but we had a lot of young hoodies around looking intimidating. They just scared good customers away and never spent anything anyway. We usually play a lot of original 50s rock and roll — but the other day I accidentally put on Cliff Richard’s Travelling Light. All the hoodies pulled horrible faces and walked off. We tried it again, and it still worked, so we bought a few more records. Suddenly the unwanted guests had left. Who needs Asbos when you’ve got Cliff?”
Yeah, that's right Seth – you 'accidentally' put on Cliff Richard's Travelling Light. We can't even count the times we've accidentally put on a Cliff Richard album either. The last time we did it was just the other day – we wanted to go into the bathroom to brush our teeth but, whoops, we accidentally put on Cliff Richard's It's So Funny How We Don't Talk Anymore on instead. The egg was on our faces that day, honestly!
So far, apart from a terse statement by a spokesman for his fanclub, Cliff Richard himself hasn't responded to this funfair story. Or perhaps he has and his face was too raddled with Botox for anyone to notice. Who knows. The important thing is that Carters Steam Fair has found an innovative new way to stop socially-outraged Daily Mail types being scared of young people, and if that means they're forcing everyone else to listen to a constant stream of bad music in the process so be it.
Incidentally, if you happen to be a young person yourself, the last thing you want to do is click here. We lasted four seconds.
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Caroline says
Geezus. You people have nothing else in life to do? Get a life. Go… really… go… (shooing..) … go get one… all of you!!!!
!What is wrong with you people?! Have you hung Barry Manilow by his b’lls also?! Get over it! Josh Groban? etc. etc.
Who else in contemporary main stream pop really p@sses you all off? Haha!
And get real, while you’re at it. I loved this guy’s music when I was younger and it made a major indent in music history.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks so. ~HELLO?!!!
You know what? I’d LOVE to see this guy on a come back in 2007 – just so he could blow you all away! (Come on,
Cliff – for gawd’s sake – show them!)
Tooooo tooooooo tooooooooo bad – you all either must get a JOB or a decent LIFE!
Thank you and good luck!!!
~C
your wiki guide says
I respect your opinion but I guess Cliff Richard doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. Though I’m didn’t grew up with his music, I must say, after listening to a couple of his music, he’s good. He may not be the same as the artists of today but he truly have great music.
Christopher says
Oh ffs relax. No one gets onstage unprepared for hecklers. If you can’t take a heckle, put the mic down and get offstage. It comes with the territory.
Cliff’s probably not even reading this. If he is, I’m sure he’s a sport. If he’s not, he’s a prick. But most people walk down the STREET and get heckled on occasion (I know. I talk about every 4th person I see! lol And I know plenty of people talk about me- where do you think I get the material!)
So no more juvenile heart attacks, please.