We’ve endured the taunts and teases about which judges would step in for Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole, Kylie Minogue’s sister. Louis Walsh’s alleged nightclub incident could’ve seen him judging from the cells. The appointments of Tulisa and Gary Barlow made vague sense, but Kelly Rowland? She was basically the backing vocalist to Beyonce in Destiny’s Child.
Because the human race is full of bitter and twisted people, the majority of folk watching X Factor only bother with the audition stages. Here, we can prejudge people based on their appearance, clothing and back story. The judges have passed their verdict on thousands of hopefuls and now it’s off to boot camp. Last year, Cher Lloyd found herself there and paired with Cheryl Cole. She might have been grateful for Cheryl’s guidance then, but times have changed. Cher would have preferred Tulisa from N-Dubz guiding her. Get your claws out.
During last year’s X Factor, continuous press coverage had already made up people’s minds on the contestants. No longer did it seem like a singing competition, but a simple popularity contest like Big Brother. If an entrant didn’t have any shallow friends willing to sell inappropriate stories about them to the press, they weren’t worthy of winning.
Wagner was the show’s mentalist, Matt Cardle established himself as the wet and bland character with an erection and Katie Waissel became some sort of pin-up hate figure, though nobody quite knew why.
If truth be told, Cher Lloyd was one of the most unique performers in last year’s competition. The UK is known for producing a lot of diverse musical styles, but hasn’t dominated the world with its rap. Despite being on a mainstream TV show like the X Factor and potentially alienating half the audience watching, Cher Lloyd managed to reach the final. So she must be popular, right? With a number one single, you’d assume so but the sometimes uptight and elitist users on Twitter spout nothing but negativity about her. Her fans must still use Bebo or MySpace.
So how does Cher Lloyd feel about new judge Tulisa? Psychologists will have a hard time decoding the hidden meaning in Cher’s answer as she said the following:
“Brilliant, I kind of wish I was on now so she could teach me a few things. She’s really cool.”
Alert the press and throw on a copy of Swagger Jagger right now to remind yourself of her musical output so far. Is Cher Lloyd saying that because of a supposed lack of help from Cheryl Cole, this is the end product? Imagine what Tulisa would bring! Because she’s a member of the N-Dubz crew, the record would be much more ghetto, full of gang slang and a sound so street, that a slab of pavement gets included with every copy.
But before some sort of turf war kicks off in the parts of London that weren’t rioted, Cher Lloyd pondered over her mentors lack of help:
“Maybe she’s been busy – and I’ve been busy, too. People assume you’re going to be best buddies but it doesn’t work like that.”
We know this theory is wrong. Cheryl Cole was axed from the American and UK version of X Factor so she’s got loads of time on her hands.
Perhaps she’s working as a toilet attendant somewhere?
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