Cher Lloyd can’t do a thing right. We suspect it isn’t actually anything to do with her, rather, the machinery that surrounds her. Every single move made by the financiers seems to be one clanging mistake after another.
And so, painted into a corner with a neon sign flashing over her head saying ‘Unlikeable’, Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger’ video gets its premiere… and everyone hates it.
When we started writing this article, more YouTubers ?disliked? it than rated it. And of course, like all pop releases of note, we’re on-hand to dissect it with the cruelty scalpel.
Before we get going, what does Swagger Jagger actually mean? Is Cher Lloyd having a pop at Mick Jagger, a man with so much pensioner swag that he can fuel a private jet on it?
Either way, the response to the track has been far from kind, thanks in large to one of the worst choruses in pop history.
So before we get going, here’s the video for you to watch… and then we’ve noticed a bunch of stuff which you can refute or harangue.
Let’s go!
LOOK!
OH LOOK!
First thing we see in the video is a little product placement. As you can see, Cher Lloyd has a Sony Ericsson in her hand. The phone is playing Swagger Jagger on it. That’s because no-one on the radio wants to play it. Like a scally on the back of the bus, she doesn’t care that nobody wants to hear it.
Worse still, she’s somehow rigged the awful song to a ghetto blaster, ensuring that absolutely no-one can escape the dismal ‘Oh my darling Clementine!’ bit. It says a lot when you have a Clementine-based song which makes Mark Owen’s ‘Clementine’ sound like a masterpiece.
Of course, before the ‘Clementine’ bit kicks in, there’s the Actually Not That Shabby jarring-pop bit. Sadly, it is a Black Eyed Peas By Numbers track. It follows the same formula as their ‘I’ve Had The Time Of My Life’ monstrosity. However, the level of confidence shown by Cher Lloyd is misguided. Apparently, we can’t stop staring at her, which simply isn’t true. There’s a whole plethora of other pop stars we’ve been staring at and will continue to stare at. Youthful exuberance is one thing…
…being a cocky little shit with a pretty lousy record is another.
The pre-emptive ‘you can’t stop writing about me’ segment is designed to say “Ha! See? You haters just won’t leave me alone! That’s because I’ve got it going on and you’re just jealous!” Thing is, people write about all manner of things they don’t like. In that respect, we feel like war correspondents, trudging through the corpse of pop on the frontline so you don’t have to.
And of course, this song is very, very zeitgeisty. It features the soon-to-be mandatory mention of twitter. This enables a popstar to feel like they’re talking about the major issues of the day… they’ve got their finger on the pulse… or, they’re using a social application hammered by millions and millions and is like crowing about breathing air.
And all this music is so horrible that a man appears in the video, in a lovely little product placing, with his headphones on. He can’t bear to listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’, so instead, listens to his own choice of music. You can’t blame him. This is an awful debut single. Rap for pre-schoolers that cynically ticks all the boxes of mentioning ‘haters’, ‘swag’, ‘money’ and all the trappings of the dullest RnB star.
And it is evident that Lloyd isn’t particularly thrilled with it all. There’s various shots throughout the Swagger Jagger video which shows a palpable discomfort in her face. Swagger Jagger is so poor, thanks to the dismal chorus, that it feels like someone’s done a hatchet job on her. Or, we as humans, have finally run out of songs.
Still, on with the video and there’s a brief moment when the word ‘SHOUTIN” reveals itself. There’s a flutter in your heart as you hope it unfurls itself to simply say the word ‘SHIT’.
No such luck though. To make matters worse, this irritant is now being played through a stereo that has transformed itself into an entire rig. There is no escape. Britain’s latest pop-hope will force you to listen to her wretched song. If the radio won’t play it, then she’ll create a transforming tape deck that will be louder than everything on Earth put together. Also – that’s what Soundwave from the Transformers is up to these days.
And the video closes with Cher’s nasty looking Nike boots walking off to obscurity… shame really. That first appearance on the X Factor was actually rather exciting. What went wrong?
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Ripliancum says
You can’t stop talking, posting, writing, thinking and …ing about her!! Hater! See you later! She’s awesome and the song’s great! Why you people can’t accept when a talent young person shines! I wish Cher the best.
EssBen says
really?
I wish her colon cancer, but different strokes and all that :D
Burger says
Terrible. Honestly, just a terrible song.
Campbell says
Essentially, this entire song is semantically null.
GB says
I had the unfortune to stumble on this while flicking through the music channels, what a complet load of tosh. this articla however has made me smile, pleased to see the writer is not a fan, of the gimacing oink either.
Cookie Monster says
Why, hacklerspunk, why? Never would I have heard the robot’s name, and so not ever would I have heard the song, let alone pointed my googly eyes at a screen that is suffering the display of this steaming pile of turd. Actually, turd looks at this work and says, “You are just total shit; like dung; poo; crap; stinky bum product, if the bum suffers from chronic trots”.
I do have a question. Is she twelve or forty years old? It’s hard to tell whilst engaged in hysterical vomiting.
Untitled says
Seriously i have the exact same Nikes as her! She followed me on twitter before she got those nikes when my piccy was of my nikes..suspicious much?
tecsatan says
I fully agree with this article!.
This song is an insult to ears everywhere. I have never been so inclined to poke knitting needles into my ears, to course deafness, to enable me to escape the abomination that is “Swagger Jagger”.
Someone should be dragging Cher Lloyd to The ICC in The Hague and put her on trail for crimes against humanity.
skskdjsjkf says
This article was spot on. She would of been better of doing it all herself. Btw She so does look awkward at various points in the video.
toya says
samee tht song is so catchy and i cant stop singing it, its great there jjust jealous bout her and her shoes are awesome she aint cockey !!!!!!!!!
SkinnyIsFat. says
ok, nothing agenst lloyd, not a thing at all…..
but her songs shit.
my girlfriend likes it and its the only thing that makes me LESS attracted to her, some how the song is so bad it can do that.
Susie says
Ohhh I am a fan of her this song (swagga jagger) was ment for heaters so just advise from me when you keep on writing about her think what would a fan read this from his or her point of view.And if you are a heater why do you use all of your time to prove that this song is for heaters we know and maby she like that you put all of that sparit into her song Just saying don’t be a heater on me too
nancy says
haters gonna hate…Her songs are really good… atleast they are not like stupid kesha and nikki minaj types of songs and look how famous they are…
Cherislove says
Yes, you’re a hater. :p
Cherislove says
Agreee. :)))