After all the troubles he’s been through lately, we expected that Charlie Sheen would want to hide away for a while.
Actually, that’s a lie. We were hoping that Charlie Sheen would want to hide away for a while, preferably in a sealed shipping container , purely because it would stop him from renewing his Two And A Half Men contract. But no, that would have been too easy. Instead, despite spending the last few months hinting that he was planning to leave the sitcom, Charlie Sheen has signed up for two more awful years.
Now you may be thinking that, since Angus T Jones will be 18 by the end of those two years, Two And A Half Men will need to change its name. That’s unless the script calls for Charlie Sheen to be sliced in half during a tragic industrial accident. We’re just saying.
Of all the things that Charlie Sheen has allegedly done over the last few months – from threatening to kill his wife at knifepoint, to using his wife’s rumoured crack addiction as an alibi, to visiting prostitutes in a silly fake moustache – this is undoubtedly the most evil of the lot.
Because, really, how dare he? How dare Charlie Sheen spend months openly telling reporters that he wants to leave Two And A Half Men, only to not actually leave Two And A Half Men? Who does he think he is? All of our dreams about the bright and joyful new world where Charlie Sheen isn’t paid millions of dollars to glumly murmur a succession of half-baked sub-jokes on a sofa, shattered in an instant. Seriously, what a bastard. People reports:
After publicly considering leaving Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen has agreed to return to the hit sitcom for two more years. ?To put a fitting end on the two and one-half months of whirlwind speculation, I'm looking forward to returning to my CBS home on Monday nights,? Sheen says in a statement.
Well, no. If Charlie Sheen really wanted to put a fitting end to the speculation, then he should have put a false moustache on and shagged the speculation behind his wife’s back or something. That would have been fitting. Releasing a witless 27-word statement is just kind of boring.
Of course, if Charlie Sheen did leave Two And A Half Men, it would have been a disaster for the show. Would producers have cancelled the show altogether, or recast the part, or re-title it One And A Half Men and make the first episode about Jon Cryer‘s hilarious attempts to hide Uncle Charlie’s drug, booze, sex and violence shame from his fat little son? Maybe we’ll never know.
Still, at least Charlie Sheen has given the writers a bundle of material to work with now that he’s committed to the future of the show. We can’t wait for the episode where Charlie goes on an uproariously ill-considered Christmas vacation with a crack addict who Charlie eventually threatens to kill with a knife because he’s too drunk to really know what he’s doing. Oh come it, it’d be much funnier than Two And A Half Men usually is.
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