Celine Dion Uses Enough Water For You To Easily Drown Her In

Celine Dion and water go way back – let’s not forget that her biggest hit was about the tragic watery deaths of 1,517 people in the freezing North Atlantic.

So with a relationship like that, you’d think that Celine Dion would be allowed to use as much water as she liked. Celine Dion certainly thinks so – she’s been singled out as the biggest consumer of water in her Florida county, using 6.5 million gallons in a year.

To put that in perspective, Celine Dion used enough water to fill a 50-gallon bathtub every four minutes, day and night, for 12 months solid. It sounds a lot, but Celine Dion actually drinks every one of those 6.5 gallons of water so that she can stay hydrated when she cries about all the sad people in Africa, which she does a lot.

Ask a celebrity what they’re most concerned about, and they’ll say “the environment.” They’re lying, of course – what they’re really thinking is “you know what I’d like? A pony made out of GLITTER!” but at least they’re giving off the impression that they care.

And Celine Dion does care. She cares deeply. About everything. Celine Dion cares so much that there’s a whole section of her website dedicated to telling the world how much she cares about everything from cystic fibrosis to breast cancer, complete with a photo gallery of her hugging an assortment of poorly children. Also, there’s a song on her new album called Skies Of LA, which is about global warming.

So, yes, it’s fair to say that Celine Dion cares deeply about the environment.

And what better way to show how much she cares about the environment than by making sure all the lawns and plants in her home in Marin County, Florida are given the best life possible. Even if that means that she has to tip 6.5 million gallons of water – about 54 times what the average resident uses – over them every year just to keep them happy, it’s a small price to pay. Or an obscenely large price to pay, depending on how stupid you are.

In fact, Celine Dion uses such a ridiculous amount of water that she’s been named as the biggest consumer of water in her entire county. Which isn’t bad considering she spent most of the last 12 months in Las Vegas finishing up her residency there. Second place went to Tiger Woods, who only managed to use a pitiful 3.7 million gallons of water in a year. Tiger, that’s only a moderately offensive amount of water – we thought you were supposed to be a champion.

Celine Dion has yet to comment about her extravagant use of a rapidly-diminishing natural resource, but we’re sure she’s very contrite about it and will never wash ever again to make amends, even if it means she has to contract a series of deadly diseases and ultimately dies because of it. It’s the least she can do, frankly.

Anyway, we’re sure that Celine’s got bigger things on her mind that how much water she uses on her garden – that’ll all pale into insignificance once the authorities realise that she’s painted the entire east wing of her mansion in 14 coats of panda blood and dances around at night in ballgowns made from the tear-soaked skins of 58 stitched-together Cambodian orphans.

Legally we have to point out that Celine Dion doesn’t actually do any of that. But look into her eyes. You can tell she wants to.


  1. John says

    You are being very nasty to Celine Dion who by the way didn’t even lived in Florida last year. She bought that property last year and the old house was torn down and a new one is being built as we speak. So there’s no way she can be responsible for that waste of water… But you guys are so happy to bash Celine Dion that you don’t even think about what you are writing. And Celine Dion does care. She’s one of the most down-to-earth Diva out there (and yes has donated tons of money to different organizations – and her niece died of cystic fibrosis and long before her niece’s death, Celine has been the CF spokesperson in Canada for over 20 years and took part in numerous fundraising events – not that YOU care to find out the truth of course!!). And you don’t care to find out why the water consumption was so high while she wasn’t even there…

  2. Mithaearon says

    Yes hecklerspray you naughty naughty people stop being nasty to Celine Dion she can’t help being shit.

  3. Gilbert Wham says

    It’s possible to drown someone in a surprisingly small amount of water, so even if your spirited defense is not completely baseless, enough fluids to dispose of the caterwauling harpy will no doubt be available John.

  4. King Jimbo says

    Wow, Celine sure does have a champion in her corner. Thank god for people like you who… um….er… exactly what is the point of your existence??

  5. Roy says


    Is the reason for such ample usage known? If it is personal, which may well be likely, if incredible, then hydrophilia is indicative of the sufferer’s innate cleanliness and desire for hygiene. You should, in that case, be genuflecting on our behalf.

    P.S. Wasn’t that, incidentally, the leitmotiv in her song “I’m falling into you”?

  6. Leon says

    well for for both celine and tiger it’s not only the water, it’s the golf course. Golf courses use the most awful pollutants to keep those greens green just the way golfers like celine and tiger like it, really green, a great way to pollute the very environment which is your home, my home, the earth, the only home we have. And you know, celine and tiger, down there in Florida, it’s only a question of time before the water becomes your enemy, with all those glaciers coming down a little more every year. And Celine with her wolrd tout so extravagant, she would have been better off sitting at home and reaping the benefits of money in the bank. But to each his own, some people have to work to keep others working and that is noble in its own way.

  7. Isaac smart kituri says

    i’m very glad with you. cause you make me free when i’m not. i’m a congolese but i love so much your songs. i’m mr isaac smart kituri. i’m 19 years old. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  8. charlies says


    I am SOOOO stupid that when I woke up this morning, I thought I might go to HECKLERspray.com and complain like a big fat baby when they heckle someone. You see I am not only stupid, but I deserve to die immediately before I can reproduce. Please kill me.