You probably haven’t heard about the new Britney Spears documentary yet, because it’s only been everywhere all the time forever.
In fact it’s fair to say that so much of the Britney Spears documentary has now been leaked that the only new footage that’ll come as a surprise to anyone watching the whole thing next week is a three-second snippet of Britney Spears gazing into the middle distance and wistfully humming the theme-tune to Animal Hospital.
For instance, People magazine has now seen an exclusive preview of Britney: For The Record, and the most exciting bit left to review seems to be when Britney Spears starts crying and says of her life “It’s bad. I’m sad.” Bad? Sad? That’s the most eloquent you can be, Britney? Disappointing. We just expected something more profound from the poet behind “Womanizer womanizer/ You’re a womanizer/ Oh/ Womanizer/ Oh.”
If there’s one thing we hate it’s a spoiler. Honestly, when people told us that Bruce Willis was a ghost in The Sixth Sense, or that Kevin Spacey was Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects, or that Dumbledore is going to die in the next Harry Potter film, it really took the shine off our day.
So imagine how bummed out we were when people started blurting spoilers about the new Britney Spears documentary Britney: For The Record all over the place. We were furious! Apparently Britney Spears gets sad and cries a lot in it, which is absolutely the last thing we expected from a recovering psychiatric patient who’d had a high-profile mental breakdown, and now our enjoyment of it is going to be totally ruined!
We already knew that Britney Spears thought her life was like a prison sentence, only worse because never actually got to kill anybody and she still has to look after those poxy kids of hers (or something). But in case that wasn’t enough, People has seen a special preview of the documentary and seems determined to blab about it until its jaw falls off. Here’s what it said:
Spears takes topics ranging from her failed romances with Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline (“I never really faced it, and I just ran,” she says of divorcing him) to why she let “bad people” into her life. Her excuse: “Because I was lonely.” At one point, Spears – whose father has permanent legal conservatorship over her affairs – bursts into tears while discussing her situation. “It’s bad,” she says. “I’m sad.”
As well as this brief rhyming extravaganza of unrestrained misery, Britney Spears apparently uses the documentary to lament of her loss of focus and control in recent years, how she isn’t cool any more and that she only agreed to be filmed because she didn’t like how she was being portrayed.
Which is good – judging by what we’ve heard about this documentary so far, if Britney Spears wanted to be portrayed as a hollowed-out constantly-sobbing paranoid depressive forced to perform against her will by a league of shadowy all-controlling authoritarians, then she’ll be super pleased with how it turns out.
In fact, Britney: For The Record might just go down in history as one of the most berserk marketing ideas ever. Two days after it gets broadcast, Britney Spears’ new album Circus is released, and that’s something that Britney wants to promote by being as uncomfortably miserable as possible on camera. What sort of circus is this anyway? One of those creepy European ones?
Casey Menard says
Man, People have issues and actually it sounds like you the writer does too…Get the fuck over it she’s been through more than you can imagine shes not that same psyxcho person your making her out to be any more GET OVER IT!!!!!!! LOVE You BRITT
Hanna From Hawaii says
Hilarious! Great writing! I laughed out loud many times. Poor Britney, she needs to fire her Marketing Manager and consider hiring yours truly, someone not inclined to make a complete ass out of her 24/7, because it doesn’t seem that she’s developed the necessary tools to decide for herself what she should and should not be doing. Poor Britney! Don’t be pushed and pulled, Brit! Think for yourself!!
swiper_bootz says
Ruthless but uproarious writing, sir. Hilariously tragic. Much like my reaction to Britney’s impression of her father, the resulting tears were one-third guilt, one-third comedy, and one-third tragedy. I was never much of a Britney fan early-on. But like the foul-weathered fan I am, when life gave her lemons, I got right in line for lemonade. She’ll be alright; maybe not “Better Than Fine” a la Fiona Apple, but fine nonetheless.
David says
She’s nuts.
RETIRE BRITNEY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY
mikey says
“David Says:
November 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
She’s nuts.
RETIRE BRITNEY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY”
Er…..that would have been sometime around 2002…in fact sometime before the Mickey Mouse Club…just about the time she was shat into creation in a trailer park……some time around conception….ahh fuck it, let her make a tit of herself!
Mithaearon says
For fuck sake, Bruce Willis is a ghost in Sixth Sense?? Well thats spoilt it for me now!
Stabby McGee says
Casey, Casey, Casey…
You were SO close to spelling the word ‘psycho’ correctly. Why did you have to go and ruin it with that inexplicably-placed x?
Oh, and I thought were were making such progress.
euclid says
She is a tawdry idiot, a spent fuck puppet for whom the world
should have had little to no interest when she was ‘able’
much less at this point when she is an allegedly recovering mental patient.
Flush her, wash your hands and move on.
mst3kster says
That’s quite a slam against tawdry idiots and spent fuck puppets the world over, euclid.