The Simple Life all but proved that Paris Hilton will be a bad mother – she can’t even photocopy, so what’s stopping her from dropping a baby down the toilet?
However, little things like common sense and concern for the future of humanity don’t matter to Paris Hilton, which is why she’s told People that she’s desperate to have children.
Don’t be too alarmed by Paris Hilton’s claims, though – if she does have a baby it’ll be an interesting genetic experiment – in four short generations the Hilton family has gone from billionaire hotel chain founder to Paris Hilton, so if our charts are right the fifth generation will mostly resemble the mutant teleported dog from the beginning of The Fly 2.
We might be wrong here, but we get the horrible feeling that Paris Hilton is starting to grow up. No longer does she spend her days idly flitting between making obscene internet films of herself and getting thrown in jail for driving around shitfaced. Instead, Paris Hilton has become quite the model of sophistication.
How sophisticated is Paris Hilton? So sophisticated that when she launches her own tawdry MTV reality TV show she has the nous to accompany it with her own tawdry song which, we think you’ll find, is a level of sophistication right up there with taking tea on the bombardier’s croquet lawn. And, as such, Paris Hilton has declared herself ready for motherhood. People reports:
“I definitely want three or four [children],” she told PEOPLE in Las Vegas Saturday night, while partying at Pure Nightclub for her sister’s birthday. As for a timeline? “Soon,” she said. “Maybe a year or two.”
But, listen, we don’t want you to worry that this is some sort of mind-destroying mating call from Paris Hilton. She doesn’t want you to strut about naked in her front garden or wank through her letterbox or anything like that, because Paris Hilton is perfectly happy and settled with Benji Madden from Good Charlotte.
So at least there’ll be an interesting level of anticipation should Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have a baby. Will the child gain be half-Paris and half-Benji and grow up learning from their collective wisdom, or will it get lucky and be kidnapped at the maternity ward, dumped in a forest and raised by wolves? We’ll be on the edge of our seats when the time comes.
Of course, we’re only joking here. Paris Hilton looks like she’d be a very good mother, and then knowledge she’d impart on her baby would be monumental. It wouldn’t be able to read or anything, granted, but at least it would be able to say “That’s hot” whenever it was hot. Or whenever it wasn’t hot. Or when it was hungry. It’d have a two-word vocabulary, basically.
J Bollocks says
I say those poor little rugrat offspring of Paris won’t last to see their 5th birthdays.
She’ll leave them playing outside and some coyote will come and eat them all up just like a Chihuahua.
(I mean the coyote will eat the children in a similar fashion to that with which it would eat a chihuahua, not that it would eat the children like a chihuahua would eat a small child just to clear that up)
Julian Mentat says
This could be a valuable lesson in maturity for Ms. Hilton.
After years of badly-done and pointless endeavours, she will now face a genuinely difficult and important task, one where her children will suffer unless she does her best: i.e. she’ll have to choose a nanny.
Also she’ll have to avoid dropping her kids on the ground when she carries them around for publicity purposes.