Bon Jovi Fan Sues, Surprisingly Not For Boredom
December 13th, 2007 at 17:00 by hecklerspray staff
A Bon Jovi fan has launched a $14 million (£7 million) compensation claim after he was paralysed at a gig in Edmonton, Canada.
Initial rumours suggest that Dennis Schulz suffered a dislocated spinal cord when he was crushed by an overpowering force of mediocrity that had been building like a whirlwind, reaching its destructive crescendo somewhere between the second chorus of Bad Medicine and the opening chord of Always. Schulz reached a level of boredom that scientists refer to as ‘The David Gray Effect’, where mind and body becomes so aware of the dullness of the immediate moment that the spine gives up on you, and tries to flee the body.
However, further research into the matter revealed that this was not the case, and that the injuries was caused by Schulz getting caught up in a brawl. Initial reports suggest that the crowd became so overwhelmed with the mediocrity of the situation that, in what scientists call ‘The Collective David Gray Effect’, where the mind and body become all too aware of the collective dullness of the immediate moment, that the only effective therapy is to lash manically out at the bored soul standing nearest you.
However, further research into the matter reveal it is almost totally unclear as to what sparked the brawl.
Schulz has filed his lawsuit against four fans, staff, promoters and the venue in Edmonton, but not the band, who have got away with it scot-free. Guitarist Richie Sambora, 48, commented:
"Oh god, we're really, really sorry."
Read more:
Paralysed Bon Jovi Fan Sues For Compensation - Contactmusic
[story by Paul Sorrenti]
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December 13th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Well that wasn’t impartial. You fucking useless writer.
December 13th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
i tell you what, you’ve got me there. i apologise. is there anything i can do to make amends?
December 14th, 2007 at 12:24 am
Impartial it may not be, but it’s bloody funny!
December 14th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
i like you, scabby. there’s something about you i like. if only people like bon jovi fans were like you instead. what a world that would be. but not for bon jovi. i think i’m gonna claim that as a poem. structure it as you wish.
December 14th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Scabby is Heritage larking about and you know it.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Come on! Would Heritage ever do such a thing? Don’t deface the man like that. To me, Scabby is…the everyman. He’s says what most of us are thinking and what everybody else should be.
December 16th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
You should really be ashamed of yourself. A man’s life was completely and forever ruined in circumstances that should never happen, and of all ways you could find to waste your time you can only think of making fun of such a horrible episode, trying to look smart or something, while you’re just showing up as an arrogant loser with no heart or common sense at all.
December 16th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Well if there is any way for all the newbies here at hecklerspray to be properly inducted, it’s squarely taking comments like Jessica’s.
December 17th, 2007 at 12:21 am
Absolutely, Adam - it’s like joining the Freemasons.
December 17th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
120 million albums speaks 4 itself, jovi r damn gud rockers not mad bout da new album but dey r shovin on like!!! jovi kick ass
December 18th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
It’s interesting, Jessica, that you consider a paralysed mans life to be “completely and forever ruined”. I hope you don’t write off all disabled people like that. Insulting a mans existence like that is possibly a little more hurtful than questioning his musical taste. Personally I hope Schulz finds the strength to lead a positive life, despite the trauma’s of his spine and cd rack.
December 23rd, 2007 at 11:20 am
I wasn’t expecting any less from you. You really need a lot of experience to acquire the skill of twisting things around in your favor so well like that. I think anyone with the least common sense who gets to see this page would understand who of us is the one being mean with Schulz.
April 27th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
120 million stupid idiots!