Ah, Christmas. Goodwill to all men, figgy puddings, the first dusting of snow, the scent of nutmeg in the air.
Creepy old men who look like retired cowboy transvestites. Said creepy old men bawling Here Comes Santa Claus in a way that’s so off-kilter and tuneless that it inadvertently leads every child who hears it to believe that Santa Claus is some sort of dangerous child molester, and then honking gracelessly into a harmonica for 45 minutes until the festive spirit of goodwill has been obliterated completely.
That’s right – Bob Dylan is bringing out a Christmas album. It will be wonderful.
Trying to second-guess Bob Dylan is about as definitively futile as it gets. He delights in wrong-footing the world, whether it’s by getting arrested near Bruce Springsteen‘s house or recording a GPS navigation commentary – both of which he’s done in the last fortnight – or steadfastly refusing to record a listenable album since about 1976. And, by jove, he’s gone and done it again.
Because, you see, Bob Dylan has decided to record an album of Christmas standards. Christmas In The Heart will include festive staples such as Winter Wonderland, Must Be Santa and Little Drummer Boy.
And it promises to tap into the very spirit of Christmas itself – specifically the spirit of answering your door to what you believe are carol singers on Christmas Eve, only to discover that you’re actually being serenaded by a tatty-looking homeless man with a mouse in his pocket, a bottle of cheap gin in his hand and more vomit than one human could ever produce on his own down his trousers.
Oh, alright. It’s for charity. Spoilsports. ABC News reports:
Dylan will donate all his U.S. royalties from album sales to the charity group Feeding America. Feeding America said it expects to provide meals to 1.4 million people this holiday season with the album proceeds. Dylan plans to donate his international royalties to two charity organizations that give meals to needy people in Britain and the developing world.
As obviously philanthropic as this is, we’d like to warn Bob Dylan of two things. First, he should remember that people who make successful Christmas albums often go on to shoot women in the face. Second, he should remember that while making a charity Christmas album is a nice gesture, following it up with a charity Halloween album definitely isn’t. Nobody wants to hear Bob Dylan huff and wheeze his way through, say, a 12-minute acoustic version of Thriller.
Oh, like any of that matters anyway. This is Bob Dylan we’re talking about – he could release an album of armpit farts and the Mojo office would still have to crack open a window to stop everyone drowning in excited jism. So, for once, we’re going to withhold judgement on Christmas In The Heart. But know this, Dylan, you go anywhere near Little Donkey and we’ll cut your bloody balls off.
Sunny says
Are you sure about this? So has he hit some form of dementia? He is advancing in age, you know. WHO, I mean really, WHO dreamt up Bob Dylan and Christmas carols in one project? I just imagined O Holy Night with a draggy overlong harmonica solo in the middle.
Stu, you might currently be holding out judgement on Christmas In The Heart but the thought of Dylan rasping his way through Silent Night should put this particular endeavor into the Comedy Gold section of the record marts.
This really somewhat conflicting as well considering his waffling between religions, Judaism, Christianity to not wanting any of the above. It IS for charity, though, afterall, so perhaps anything goes.
YouSuck says
Your obnoxiousness would be less offensive if you were the least bit clever. Dylan is “steadfastly refusing to record a listenable album since about 1976”? Douche bag, Dylan’s “Time Out of Mind,” “Love & Theft,” and “Modern Times” rank up there with anything he or anyone else has recorded. Part of me would love to know what music you consider listenable, but then the less I know about a hipster twat like you the better. At least you got to write some really original jokes about Dylan’s voice and harmonica playing.
Sarah says
Oh piss. Now I know how NKOTB fans felt when you went after them. I love Bob Dylan and regret that I wasn’t born a few decades earlier because I totally would have hit that. Go figure. Still, I’m not going to buy this album – I hate Christmas.
DEBBIE MERCER says
dear me what a nasty jealous sad little man you are for gods sake its only music why do you have to bring child molestors into this i would like know what bob dylan ever did to you to make you so vile