Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Season Six of Mad Men is fast approaching and it's time we discuss what we want?nay, need to happen to one Don Draper and the rest of the gang at Sterling Cooper Draper Price Crosby Stills Nash and Young.
This is serious stuff folks, Mad Men head honcho Matthew Weiner has said that Mad Men will end with its seventh season so that makes this the penultimate season. This is Mad Men?s The Empire Strikes Back, this is Mad Men?s Morrison Hotel. ?
So you sit down at your booth, a replica from the Jack Rabbit Slim?s restaurant, and your waiter or waitress comes up to you wearing their black and white suit and tie and asks you if you'd rather have a Mr. Brown, a Mr. Pink or a Mr. White to wash down your Big Kahuna Burger with Jackie Hash Browns on the side?
But what's a Mr. Brown, a Mr. Pink, or a Mr. White? You waiter or waitress tells you that such a tasty burger is going to need an equally tasty beverage to wash it down. They go on further to inform you that a Mr. Brown is a chocolate shake, a Mr. Pink is a strawberry shake and a Mr. White is a good old-fashioned vanilla shake. You ask them for a Mr. Blonde just as ?Stuck In The Middle With You? comes over the jukebox.
Hi, welcome to the article 7 Most Lovable Douchebags In TV And Film, did you gain a bunch of weight recently or did your face just get pregnant? ?Boom. Right out the gate, let's come to a consensus for what and what does not constitute a douchebag.
Obviously the opening of this article was just an inquiry from a concerned friend about the maidenhood of your double chin, and should not in any way be construed as an example of exceptional douchebaggery. That being said, the overt smugness of that last sentence might be a good litmus test for what and what doesn't make one a douchebag. Or does it?
Anyone who has watched thirty seconds of the Cartoon Network?s phenomenal animated program Adventure Time will tell you that the show is whackadoo insane and that watching it for even a slight amount a time will make you feel like you're on serious brain-splitting drugs.
They will then, if they have any amount of taste, tell you that they absolutely love it. This will also probably turn them into a proper fiend for the show and they?ll never miss another episode. Why is this? Because we love our cartoons, and we love them best when they're trippy, weird and when they make us feel like we're on drugs. Because we love the way drugs make us feel.
Now that The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is ready to hit theaters in mid December and we're all excited (or indifferent, if you're some kind asshole) about returning to Middle-earth again only three questions remain to the intelligent moviegoer:
1. Has Robert Plant seen any of the Lord Of The Rings movies yet?
2. If so, what did he think of them?
3. Does he want to see The Hobbit?
When I say slanket what do most of you think of? If the image of a person wrapped in a body length blanket with sleeves sprawled out casually like some kinky sort of couch wizard comes to mind; you're wrong.?
No, of course slankets are the same terrible monument to mankind?s eternal laziness as a snuggie, but you're wrong because I know that all of you when you hear the word slanket, like myself, can't help but think it sounds like some terrible racial epithet you don't know quite who to ascribe to. Admit it. You're like me. And you've been calling random people you don't like slankets since the word first hit your grey matter.
Anyone who's ever had sex with a complete psychopath knows that crazy people tend to make the best lays. Sorry, but it's just science people. Whether it be the ebb and flow between extreme hotness and the subsequent ability to get away with being batshit insane or the loss of inhibition that psychosis affords its suffers; one can't deny that people on the edge are just better in bed. They?re more dangerous, unpredictable, and for some reason they're always more spry.
A badass by definition doesn't give a fuck what anybody else thinks. They?re going to do things their own way whether you like it or not, that's a given. It's a large part of what draws us to these figures in real life as well as in pop culture. We revere them for being able to do all the things we can't, or at the very least don't do for fear of reprisal.
Unfortunately, this also means that many of the most badass also sport the most ridiculous and most non-badass hairstyles ever glimpsed. This is not coincidence, rather, this is merely an extension of the baddassery that each of these characters possess. Their terrible (and trust me terrible is really the appropriate word here) hairstyles are irreverence in the grandest sense.
In the long tradition of monster mash-ups, Dracula versus Frankenstein, Aliens versus Predators, Katy Perry versus Lady Gaga, I submit the following battle royale for the very soul of teendom: Biebs Vs. One Direction. You may be asking how are we doing this exactly? Are we talking an actual physical brawl? A comparison of (cough) musicality? Or just strange, arbitrary, abstract notions that make one prepackaged, soulless, utterly contrived, and tuneless act better than the other?
Fret not, I will be applying none of these methods in determining which one of these paragons of pop music is the victor. Instead I will be utilizing the ancient art of half remembered Nintendo role playing games and their battle point systems.
Nick Offerman?s role as Ron Swanson from the TV show Parks and Recreation hasn't just made the actor, as well as the character he portrays, an immensely popular household name. No, Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson and the magnificent moustache both entities share is helping to heal the planet and bring all of its disparate children closer together, and subsequently, closer to God.
And you better believe that God has a fucking moustache, even if IT doesn't have a gender.
