Anyone who’s ever had sex with a complete psychopath knows that crazy people tend to make the best lays. Sorry, but it’s just science people. Whether it be the ebb and flow between extreme hotness and the subsequent ability to get away with being batshit insane or the loss of inhibition that psychosis affords its suffers; one can’t deny that people on the edge are just better in bed. They’re more dangerous, unpredictable, and for some reason they’re always more spry.
Now this rule of course has some exceptions, I’m pretty sure the cat lady who lives with 34 different feline freeloaders isn’t much of a freak when it comes to between the sheets. Nor is the hobo (bindle enthusiast) who likes to shake his weathered member at passersby with aplomb while singing his A B C’s. Though to be fair, who knows? Maybe either would totally make my toes curl in the sack, but alas my love for the scientific method only goes so far.
But as long as they’re a functioning maniac with decent looks you can be sure they’re going to probably be astonishing in the bedroom. Therefore we can justifiably extrapolate that the monsters from our favorite horror films would be even better lays. Because most of them are crazier than a pair of snake legs.
So, hands up for who saw this one coming? But come on, Selma Hayek’s vampire stripper queen has to be on any self respecting list of the sexiest creeps to ever slither across the silver screen. She’s a fucking bloodsucking bronze goddess, and even more lovely when she plays a vampire from Mexico.
Tarantino, known foot fetishist, absolutely delights in throwing his predilection into the faces of everyone watching with the lap dance scene he writes here for himself and Ms. Hayek. Think about it: If you got the chance to write a scene involving Selma Hayek as a stripper in a film you also acted in why the hell wouldn’t you create a scene which ended in you sucking liquor from her toes? I don’t care if you’re a man and you’re gay, nobody’s that gay.
Tony Todd might have one the sexiest voices in all of horrordom. For that alone he is on this list. Just listen to the way he purrs out his threats and taunts to his victims. Guy has some serious phone porno voice. It always sounds like he’s beckoning to a lover even when he’s about to open someone up like a blood piñata with his hooked hand. He’s the smooth, silky voiced alternative to icky, cornball pun purveyors like Freddy Krueger and his like. Plus, he’s got that whole poltergeist jungle fever angle for the upper class white woman who’s still looking for a way to piss off daddy, sate her white guilt and simultaneously still perceive black men as dangerous and angry monsters.
For the rest of us he’s just the honey voiced slasher, ironically killed by bees, from the other side of the mirror who sounds like sex whenever he talks murder.
Go in for the strong silent type? Well, how about mentally retarded, physically deformed, dead 11 year olds who inexplicably rise from the grave as a full grown, still highly deformed, massively built, stridently pro abstinence, homicidal spirit of vengeance who has mastered the art of speed walking like no other? But did I mention he treats his mother really well?
It was the least he could do, after all, not only did she did give birth to him but she also saw it fit to avenge his death. So what does Jason do? He avenges her death, sweet right? Also, what? Did the people who make the sequels to these things not even bother to watch the previous film in the series?
Good natured and logic defining as Jason is the more I think of a giant, sex punishing, mentally handicapped virgin, who’s also a mommy’s boy; the more I think he might not actually be that much of a catch. Did I mention he likes hockey and if you show him your breasts he’ll stab you? Somebody’s dance card’s gonna be full tonight.
Yeah, the naked punk chick from Return Of The Living Dead. I know, I know, when she goes zombie it’s kind of a deal breaker. Though she’s still naked, except for some very tasty leggings, becoming undead has resulted in giving her worse turkey jowls than Andy Rooney. (Look it up kids). It’s one thing to have your vagina visible the entire time you go on a brain-eating rampage at night, it’s another to have chewed up, flesh bubblegum, chin labia dangling from your maw as you do so.
But all that being said she was really hot before she died. And fun? Who else does a striptease in a cemetery for no reason after getting turned on at the thought of being eviscerated and then consumed by a throng of wrinkled old men? No one else, only this little keeper, that’s who. If she’s not a keeper at the very least she’s someone who’s just down for the pounding tonight. Trash is a true nihilist and doesn’t give a shit about you calling her back. I award six extra points. (And yeah, there’s points now.)
In addition, Linnea Quigley, the actress who played Trash, went on to star in a series of amazing horror themed aerobics and fitness videos. Depicted in these videos are scenes with Linnea stretching out her hamstrings with zombies poolside somewhere in California. As well as her donning a creeptacular Ronald Reagan mask and wearing some sort of Swat Team/ S and M gear suit whilst using a power drill to kill someone, for fitness. Here’s but a compilation of said videos.
No horny jokes, promise. Tim Curry’s Mephistopheles like prince of evil from Legend is here for reasons similar to Tony Todd’s Candyman. Tim Curry’s Darkness savors every word he over enunciates like Mick Jagger teaching elocution lessons. Plus, unlike Candyman, they’ve lowered Curry’s voice a few octaves in post and graced him with red, glazed, washer board abs.
And since it’s Tim Curry he might actually be open to a little man on manotaur frolics. Ten bucks says that Darkness is a power bottom and you can totally grab on his horns and ride him from behind like he’s a rodeo steer; that is if you’re so inclined.
Gary Oldman from Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula is suave as hell. Sure he sounds a bit like Borat now and again but he’s like Borat’s bizzaro doppelganger who knows not to talk of lady parts as wizard sleeves and how to indeed “get that”. He’s also the finest Moustache Dracula since Freddie Mercury shuffled off this mortal coil because he was simply too awesome to stick around.
Dracula’s got money, power, a romantic heart, and yes, he can turn into a giant sex wolf and fuck your spinal column loose. But he does it smoothly. He’s so smooth in fact that his true love Mina (Winona Ryder) walks in on him wolf fucking her best friend Lucy and he says, “No, do not see me.” Which is basically the late 1800’s version of “It wasn’t me”. And guess what, Ol’ Drac still gets his girl Mina. Because he’s slicker than an afterbirth. If he would have typed that last sentence you wouldn’t have even cringed.
Coppola’s whole Dracula adaptation is full of sex alchemy. You got Dracula’s amazing fang bitch harem that subject Keanu Reeves to a heavenly three-way orgy of the damned. Granted, they also eat babies, but hey, hot chicks are going to get away with a lot of outlandish stuff, especially when there are three of them.
There’s lascivious Lucy, the aforementioned wolf-bangee. Red hair for days and still a looker buried in white and then rising from her grave to, well, eat a baby again. Hmm.
There’s Winona Ryder, writhing around and showing incredible 1800’s cleavage while forcing Anthony Hopkins’ Van Helsing to fight his fear boner and continue to combat her burgeoning vampirism.
In conclusion, if you want to get some this Halloween put on Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Or maybe just don’t dress up like a pirate. Pirates suck.