Poor Dr. Conrad Murray, we can imagine that he’s not having the best of times in prison at the moment. Despite being convicted of the manslaughter of a certain Michael Jackson, he knows that, when he’s released, he’ll be battered with abuse from fanatical Jackson goons.
We don’t imagine prison to be an exciting place, especially in America. Our yank buddies seem a bit stricter on discipline and prefer to harbour inmates in cells without luxuries such as TV, radio and concealed weapons.
Some might argue that criminals deserve nothing, though they need some basics if they’re expected to see out a sentence given to them without hanging themselves with their shoelaces. One such thing is clean drinking water and the last time we checked, the BBC has held no telethon to raise money for dirty drinking water in LA. But if reports are to be believed, we might have to help America out. ‘Sexy’ Dr. Conrad Murray is blaming an embarrassing problem on what he drinks.
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Michael Jackson news has been slightly thin on the ground of late hasn’t it? As far as we know, the Jackson estate has no plans to pump out another batch of supposed special edition albums that are limited to only a thousand million copies.
And because you know hecklerspray will never go out of our way to make inappropriate jokes about Michael’s life for comedy purposes, we promise to restrict this article to only two kiddy touching jokes… and we never lie.
As we all know, the world lost one of the last great remaining singers in June 2009 when his heart did a boogie and went into a fatal cardiac arrest. Since the death of Michael, fans have gone bonkers to get any sort of memorabilia. After all, all his dates at the O2 in London suddenly got pulled seeing as his deceased state stopped him from performing. Now, almost three years on from his passing, the ultimate fan item has become available.
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Bashar al-Assad, that’s a name that rolls of the tongue doesn’t it? Unsure who he is? Don’t worry; we don’t expect you to know. After all, he doesn’t host a TV series on archaeological digs, have a range of puddings out in middle class supermarkets or own a Premiership football club.
Therefore he’s effectively a figment of your imagination and not a concern to anyone. In Syria however, he’s a household name where he’s the president. Think Prime Minister David Cameron is a bit of dick with his policies? Compared to Bashar al-Assad, he’s a saint. At least Cameron doesn’t violently bludgeon peace protestors to death.
Whilst killing your own citizens is a grim subject that can’t be made funny with any comedy vajazzling, surely there’s something we can look at. Why would a man hurt his own people? Did he have a bad childhood? Even though we’ll never know the full reasons, his music collection won’t ever put Bashar al-Assad in a good mood. He’s allegedly a fan of annoyances like LMFAO and horse faced Leona Lewis.
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Clothes, they’re important aren’t they? We wear them to primarily keep us warm, though there are people who’ll pay over the odds for the same white t-shirt, just because they’ve got a fancy designer label stitched in. But whatever the cost, they all come in handy, especially if hot chip fat is destined towards scalding our genitals.
As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to cover ourselves in the finest clubbed seal, or market-stall clobber. Babies however, have no control in what garments they’re clothed in. Boys wear blue and girls get covered in pink, though both items will have the same eerie smiling bubble bee design.
People don’t mind buying cheap clothes for babies because they grow so appallingly quickly. Anything will do. Most tots are clad in hessian sacks aren’t they? If you’re one of the rich and famous, life’s a little easier. Instead of actually buying clothes, it’s sometimes appears that designers use newborn children as crawling billboards to promote their stuff. Marc Jacobs won’t be complaining after mystery child Blue Ivy Carter has been seen in his tiny person’s shoes.
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Think of big businesses and most people will be drawn to images of fat cat bankers rubbing their genitals with £50 notes and generally having a better time than anyone. Hated by society, there is at least one teddy bear like businessmen we all wish was giving us financial advice.
That’s right; it’s none other than lovable tyke Lord Sir Mister Alan of Sugar.
As a child wheeler dealer, his greatest achievement to date has been the contraption we all know and love, the combined e-mail phone device called the e-m@iler. That product has of course been a success story to all our lives.
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If you did nothing but lounge around all day and just sit in your pants eating Space Raiders and drinking Tango, what would people think? They certainly wouldn’t be jealous of your luxury lifestyle; instead they’d be calling you all sorts of rude and nasty names.
Switch this concept over to America and the opinion dramatically changes. Gone are the thoughts that you’re an inept moron who can’t grasp the concept of slip on shoes. Instead, our chums in the USA hail celebrity layabouts such as Paris Hilton and more recently, Kim Kardashian.
The Kardashian family are something of a sinister idea in itself. Start with controlling mother Kris who ensures all of her female offspring have the initials “KK” and it makes for hilarious fun. Connections to the KKK are unknown. Unfamiliar to most of us until head daughter Kim had a blissful 72 day marriage, she now gets upset over criticism she receives. Such as comments made by Mad Men star Jon Hamm.
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Fame does strange things to people. Over the years, we’ve heard diva like demands from people requiring their dressing room to be painted blue, the ingredients in a salad sliced a certain way or that no other DJ play the same record as them.
But whilst famous folk realise that any freakish behaviour will kill their career early, they can count on the fans to support them through thick and sometimes eating disorder thin. Chris Brown can count on Team Breezy to endorse his domestic abuse and phone pinching antics whilst Michael Jackson mentalists have long given us a continual source of comedy gold.
Justin Bieber also has his own hardcore following. Known to the world as Beliebers, they will defend him to the end and lap up anything with his name on. Those who despise Bieber often wish he hadn’t been conceived due to his annoying nation, but how about congratulating the mother herself that she didn’t do such a thing? One Belieber amazingly did this.
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Just when you thought TV couldn’t be dumbed down any more, something happens that makes you want to throw yourself into a river of rotting faeces. After all, we have been given the gift of reality TV and if a celeb can dance, ice-skate, get along with snakes and insects or doesn’t mind being held captive in a claustrophobic house, there’s a guarantee of some work for them.
With this genre gradually collapsing under the weight of its own stale format, we’ve been looking further afield to give us that dose of escapism and potential case of square eyes. Normally, we can only count on America for the imports of supersized portions and terrible Hollywood versions of classic cinema. But who could be mad at them? They gave us Jersey Shore!
Who doesn’t love Jersey Shore? it’s almost like it’s the ultimate depiction of human behaviour. An anthropological trail through the lives of Jersey’s 20-something mental deficients. However, one of the stars of the show, “Snooki” might have to hang up her partying stilettos because, if rumours are true, she’s with child!
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