Is it us or is there something strangely sexy about a girl who could also kick the living crap out of you?

Just us, then? OK, so before we work on our issues with women, let us explain. Sure, in real life, the idea of a huge, 600 stone woman with a black belt in judo is not exactly getting the collective collar hot right now.

But the idea that she can take care of herself and look smokin’ hot while doing it is very appealing. Especially, when we are talking about the movies. In the movies, we can forgive all.

We like the idea of some ass-kicking babe in a cat-suit dealing out justice. Just as long as it’s not you on the receiving end of it.

Because, you know, your mates would give you a lot of grief for it and stuff.

For example, it is a scientific fact that Sigourney Weaver would be 88.9 per cent less attractive if she had not appeared in Aliens.

To be honest, we’re not even sure she belongs on the list but it would be rude not to. Anyway, enjoy the photos and feel free to suggest some more.

POW!

18. Uma Thurman
Movie: Kill Bill (2003-2004)

Is it just us or does she get better and better with age?

17. Noomi Rapace

Movie: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)

OK, so she plays a computer hacker in the movie, but she can still handle herself and she has a big tattoo. OK, I just wanted to put her in the list.

16. Anne Parillaud

Movie: Nikita (1990)

Incredibly sexy French actress is given a license to thrill in Nikita.

15. Leonor Varela

Movie: Blade 2 (2002)

In Blade 2, she is both nails and wants to suck you dry – bonus!!

14. Rose McGowan
Movie: Planet Terror (2007)

Rose McGowan still manages to look really hit with only one leg.

13. Charlize Theron
Movie: Aeon Flux (2005)

It really is a terrible film, but Theron looked amazing in it.

12. Linda Hamilton

Movies: Terminator and Terminator 2

Without that gun, she would not be anywhere near as hot.

11. Kristanna Loken

Movie: Terminator 3 (2003)

Loken almost made it worth going to see this film. Almost.

10. Sigourney Weaver
Movies: Alien series (1979-????)

Not to everyone’s tastes, but no list about bad-ass action babes would be complete without Ripley.

9. Jennifer Garner
Movies: Daredevil (2003), Elektra (2005)

Jennifer Garner is always worth looking at, no matter how crap the movie.

8. Meiko Kaji

Movie: Lady Snowblood (1973) and loads more

She scares me stiff.

7. Ziyi Zhang
Movies: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000), Hero (2002)

Well, she certainly knows how to handle a weapon.

6. Carrie Fisher

Movies: Star Wars trilogy (1977-1983)

Ah, that gold bikini.

5. Michelle Rodriguez
Movies: S.W.A.T (2003), Resident Evil (2002), Avatar (2009)

Red hot latino that you really would not want to mess with.

4. Carrie-Anne Moss

Movies: The Matrix trilogy (1999-2003)

Another woman who only seems hot in one film.

3. Milla Jovovich

Movies: The Fifth Element, Resident Evil series

Everyone loves Milla time.

2. Kate Beckinsale

Movies: Underworld I and II (2003-2006)

Kate Beckinsale in a tight leather body suit, need we say any more?

1. Angelina Jolie

Movies: Tomb Raider (2001-2003), Wanted (2008), Salt (2010)

The grey swim suit. That’s all that needs to be said.

Some horror movies really are shocking. Yep, they are that bad. But there are some that have contain genuine shocks – moments that really make your jaw drop and your toes genuinely curl.

They are rare these days, admittedly. After decades of all kinds of horror movies, the ability to shock viewers has become harder and harder.

We have just about seen every way a ridiculously hard to kill maniac killer with superhero strength can kill a cheerleader. We have usually already guessed who the mystery killer is.

Plus there are only so many times you can watch someone have their insides ripped out by some slavering beast.

Yawn.

But there are moments in horror movies that have really left us speechless.

These moments are burnt into our very souls.

Here are our picks…

…and there’s a whole bunch of spoilers, obviously.

SO NO COMPLAINING ABOUT THE ENDINGS OF FILMS BEING RUINED FOR YOU.

OKAY?

Good.

Let’s go then.

20. Final fling

Movie: Paranormal Activity (2007)

Okay, above is only the trailer. Watch the ending here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODRlB1omcak SPOILER! SPOILER!

Anyone expect that? No, didn’t think so.

19. There’s goes Johnny

Movie: A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Johnny Depp is turned into a slushy

18. Eat The Parents

Movie: Night of the Living Dead (1968)

A young girl feasts on her family.

17. Zombie vs. Shark
Movie: Zombi 2 (1979)

Zombie fights a shark. I think I missed this Attenborough episode.

16. Robert Carlyle buggers off and leaves his wife to be eaten
Movie: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

I never trusted that Robert Carlyle. It’s his shifty eyes.

15. ‘Who’s laughing now’
Movie: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

You have to hand it to Sam Raimi.

14. Tarantino gets knob rot
Movie: Planet Terror (2007)

Painful to watch.

13. “Choke on em”
Movie: Day of the Dead (1986)

I like to think that if I am ever in that situation that I have the presence of mind to come up with something funny.

12. Baby in the blender
Movie: Braindead (1992)

No way to treat a baby.

11. Giving it some real head
Movie: Re-animator (1985)

Being decaptitated should not stop you getting some oral sex.

10. Bath Time
Movie: I Spit On Your Grave (1980)

The worst sound I have ever heard in a movie as she strips him of his manhood.

9. On a wire
Movie: Audition (1999)

The most boring movie ever – until the last 30 minutes.

8. The Final Piece of the Jigsaw
Movie: Saw (2004)


The moment Saw got even better as we realised the killer was in the room all along.

7. Chest Turns Into Teeth
Movie: The Thing (1982)

Nobody saw that coming.

6. Best advert ever for road safety
Movie: The Orphanage (2007)

This kid gave me nightmares for weeks, but the old woman’s face after being run over by a car was too gruesome to put up on the site.

5. Nazi Zombie Stormtroopers
Movie: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Anyone see that coming?

4. Three rape
Movie: The Evil Dead (1981)

The tree does what?

3. Mom?
Movie: Psycho (1960)

Finding out that Norman was pretending to be his dead mother while killing people was genuinely shocking and probably gave my grandparents kittens.

2. Giving It Head
Movie: The Exorcist (1973)

It is funny now, but at the time it must have been very shocking.

1. What the hell is that?
Movie: Sleepaway Camp (1983)

I have no idea what it is. All we know is that it has genitals and makes a horrible animal noise.

Honourable mentions:

Inside – Betty Blue wants a baby really badly

Ring – Coming out out of the TV and moving really strangely

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Sonic screwdrivers out – here’s the sexiest Doctor Who companions.

And for those of you who thought the hottest creatures in the universe to follow the Doctor around before Billie Piper was the Daleks, we have some good news – the 953-year-old has been grooming young hotties for years.

In fact, some are so sexy they have been known to attract the occasional roving eye of even the most mean-hearted Cyberman.

But who are the hottest companions to melt the Doctor’s two hearts? Well, after several evenings armed only with DVD box sets and several boxes of tissues, Hecklerspray has come up with the answer.

Here we go.

15. Romana1
Actress: Mary Tamm
Doctor: Tom Baker

14. Romana 2
Actress: Lalla Ward
Doctor: Tom Baker

13. Sara Kingdom
Actress: Jean Marsh
Doctor: William Hartnell

12. Lady Christina de Souza
Actress: Michelle Ryan
Doctor: David Tennant

11. Susan Foreman
Actress: Carol Anne Ford
Doctor: William Hartnell

10. Zoe Heriot
Actress: Wendy Padbury
Doctor: Patrick Troughton

9. Astrid Peth
Actress: Kylie Minogue
Doctor: David Tennant

8. Sarah Jane Smith
Actress: Elisabeth Sladen
Doctor: Jon Pertwee / Tom Baker

7. Ace
Actress: Sophie Aldred
Doctor: Sylvester McCoy

6. Martha Jones
Actress: Freema Agyeman
Doctor: David Tennant

5. Peri Brown
Actress: Nicola Bryant
Doctor: Peter Davison / Colin Baker

4. Leela
Actress: Louise Jameson
Doctor: Tom Baker

3. Tegan Jovanka
Actress: Janet Fielding
Doctor: Tom Baker / Peter Davison

2. Rose Tyler
Actress: Billie Piper
Doctor: Christopher Eccleston / David Tennant

1. Amy Pond
Actress: Karen Gillan
Doctor: Matt Smith

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Death and zombies, death and zombies – go together like a horse and carriage. Or so Frank Sinatra did not sing, ever.

But he should have done, because they are a great combination.

Like fish and chips or Madonna and the chronic desire to plunge nails into your eyes.

Of course, that’s because zombies are actually dead, but still somehow manage to die again and deal out death.

(Before you start, we know they are actually ‘undead’).

Anyway, the point is there are a lot of good death scenes in zombie movies – and after having so much fun writing our last zombie list – we decided to do it all over again.

Obviously, we have stuck some different clips in there (mostly) for you to enjoy, but essentially it was just an excuse to enjoy looking up some of our favourite horror films.

We hope you do too.

15. Celebrity death
From: Dawn Of The Dead (2004)

Bored, the survivors use a sniper rifle to pick out celebrity lookalikes in the parking lot. One of the best moments from a remake that is surprisingly good.

Zack Snyder take a bow.

14. Clown death
From: Zombieland (2007)

I hate clowns. God damn painted freaks.

13. Elevator death
From: Day of the Dead (1985)

Not your average elevator death. Shaun of the Dead paid homage to this scene.

12. Tummy ache

From: Day of the Dead

Genuinely quite stomach-churning.

11. Eye popping

From: Diary of the Dead

The only good bit in the film.

10. Kiss of death
From: 28 Weeks Later

Robert Carlyle has just been reunited with his wife, who he’d abandoned for dead in the first scene of the film.
What he doesn’t realise, is she’s still infected with the Rage.

9. Head explosion!!!
From: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

The second most famous head explosion in movie history.

8. Piano death
From: Zombieland

Woman takes out a zombie Harold Lloyd-style.

7. “I kick ass for the Lord!”
From: Braindead (1992)

A local priest goes all Bruce Lee on some zombies, but fails to see the point.

6. Don’t go into the cellar
From: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Redneck is turned into a red pool.

5. Splitting headache
From: Dead Snow (2009)

Norwegian guy gets his head literally torn apart.

4. Lawnmower man
From: Braindead (1992)

Cutting the zombies down to size.

3. That bit with the tree (You know the one)

From: Evil Dead (1981)

Obviously, one of the most notorious deaths in horror history.

2. Kill Bill
From: Zombieland

Bill Murray in one of the best cameos ever.

1. “Choke on em”
From: Day of the Dead (1986)

Surely one of the finest deaths in horror history.

[Compiled by Holly Clarke]

Today is your lucky day, kind readers, because Hecklerspray wants to be your buddies.

Normally, Hecklerspray feels no such brotherly or sisterly love. In fact, normally we hate everyone. We are more than happy to sit in the pub nursing our pints and growling at anyone who so much as breathes in our direction.

That’s what saying unpleasant things about people for a living can do to even the kindest souls.

But today is different. Today we want to give you all a friendly slap on the back and even laugh at your rubbish jokes.

We want to pick you up every time you fall; we want to thank you for being a friend. We know you would do the same for us.

And what has brought this change in us? Well, after watching First Direct staff venturing on to the mean streets of London to give people piggybacks to work, celebrate their birthday and even help them fall in love, we are feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.

These ‘buddies’ even help a woman change her clothes in the middle of the street. You can check out all the videos of it here. There is also one at the end of this post.

And, well, if they can be bothered to do that, the least we can do is extend the hand of friendship. Oh, and write a list all about the best buddy movies of all time. That’s just the way we roll. If you think I am going on to the street and giving some guy a piggyback all the way to King’s Cross, you can forget it.

Anyway, so what is a buddy movie? Well, according to The Complete Film Dictionary, it is ‘a film that features the friendship of two males as the major relationship’. I’ll be honest, that sounds a bit dodgy. But you get the idea.

But which are the best? Hecklerspray has looked into this scientifically and come up with the definitive answers.

P.S We admit it, cutting this list down to just 12 was really difficult, so we added a few honourable mentions in there for good measure. Sorry Harold and Kumar fans, it didn’t make the cut.

12. Wayne’s World
Year: 1992

So good it even made Bohemian Rhapsody listenable again.

11. Superbad
Year: 1997

Superbad not only breathed new life into teen comedies, but was also a fine buddy movie in its own right. As much as I would love to have put a clip of McLovin in, this video just about sums up what we are talking about perfectly.

10. Stir Crazy
Year: 1980

It was a toss up between this and See No Evil, Hear No Evil. Genius.

9. Shawshank Redemption
Year: 1994

This movie even makes our icy hearts melt.

8. Trading Places
Year: 1983

So good even the sight of Dan Aykroyd blacked up is not enough to pt you off.

7. Swingers
Year: 1986

Swingers reminds you what your mates are for – offering really bad advice on how to pull women.

6. Bad Boys
Year: 1995

Proof, if ever you needed it, that bad boys have more fun. Were we the only ones surprised how good this film was?

5. Cannonball Run
Year: 1981

Who wouldn’t want to be friends with a fat guy with a cape?

4. Shaun of the Dead
Year: 2004

Shaun of the Dead breathed new life into a genre that was, errr, dead.

3. Clerks
Year: 1994

They have this totally wrong. Star Wars was so much better than Empire and Jedi. Besides, plumbers deserve everything coming to them.

2. Lethal Weapon
Year: 1987

Back in the days when you wanted Mel Gibson as your friend.

1. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
Year: 1969

One of the greatest movies of all time. Never mind buddy movies.

Honourable mentions:
City Slickers
The Hangover
Withnail and I
The Last Boy Scout
Turner and Hooch
Made

Beer is the cornerstone of society. In ancient England, people would place their settlements where the best hops grew. And of course, it’s the same all over Europe. And now, beer has been fine-tuned to something approaching real science – and that’s what we learned when we attended the World Draughtmasters Event when we were taught how to pour the perfect pint by Marc Stroobandt.

But unfortunately, we can’t just spend all our time in bars. There are times when we have to work, look after children or something. And sometimes you have to write lists about people drinking in bars.

But, of course, the second best thing apart from enjoying a nice alcoholic beverage  is watching other people doing it. Well, actually, it’s not at all. It’s actually quite annoying, but for the purposes of this list, bear with us.

In movies, we love to see people cosying up with a nice snifter and saying funny things. But which are the finest movies about beer? Let’s take a look. Chin chin!

16. Barfly

Forget The Wrestler, this is Mickey Rourke’s finest hour.

15. Swingers

Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughan enjoy a responsible tipple in this cult classic.

14. The Hangover

A surprisingly good film about a stag night that goes horribly wrong.

13. The Big Lebowski

Would have been higher, but not strictly a movie about beer. However, there’s an awful lot of White Russians featured.

12. Days of Wine and Roses

Jack Lemmon in top form.

11. My Favourite Year

Best line: After stumbling into the wrong toilet, a lady tells him: “This is for ladies only!”

To which Alan Swann, unzipping his fly, replies: “So is *this*, ma’am, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it.”

10. Harvey

An advertisement for when you overdo it. No-one wants to consume so much the end up seeing a huge rabbit… do they?

9. Weird Science

The scene in which he is in the nightclub is the best scene in the movie.

8. The Lost Weekend

A superb movie – a lost classic.

7. Sideways

Who would have thought wine-tasting was so much fun?

6. Arthur

It’s how I would spend my time if I was a millionaire – apart from maybe the Liza Minelli bit.

5. The Legend of Drunken Master

Jackie Chan’s finest hour – and a bit.

4. Leaving Las Vegas

Nic Cage proves he can actually act.

3. Withnail & I

Richard E Grant gives one of the finest comedic performances of all time.

2. Old School

Where there is a Will, there is a way.

1. National Lampoon’s Animal House

The second most quotable movie of all time behind Withnail and I.

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Belgians take their beer very seriously. If there is one thing hecklerspray has learned this week is to not make a crap joke about it. It’s just not worth it.

But if only I had known that before attending Marc Stroobandt’s masterclass and his nine-step technique to pouring the perfect pint.

Essentially, Marc is a Jedi among bar staff; a Yoda in slip-ons. He is the Beer Whisperer.

Yes, he can make beer talk to him, or something.

And, thankfully, this week he was prepared to share his demon decanting skills with a bunch of journalists and bloggers in the build-up to the UK finals of the Stella Artois World Draught Master Championships on October 13.

Yes, there really is a competition dedicated to finding the person who can get the maximum flavour from beer by simply pouring it into the glass the right way.

In fact, the UK winner will even get a chance to test their pouring skills at the 2010 Stella Artois World Draught Master Competition in London on October 28, where they will take on fellow national winners.

It is kind of like Mortal Kombat, but with heads of beer being lopped off rather than computer characters. In fact, it is nothing like Mortal Kombat, disappointingly. It is a serious business.

So after a botched attempt by me to repeat Marc’s nine-step technique provided more head than a barber’s shop window gallery, the last thing he wanted to hear from me was a joke. Particularly another joke about Belgians liking head that he had probably heard about a million times before.

He fixed me with his cold eyes and I knew then that my chances of following in his slip-ons were over.

It was a sad moment. Before my fumbled attempts, I had thought of entering the UK finals myself and, like Marc, envisioned living the good life of ‘bringing rock ’n’ roll to beer’.

According to his website, he ‘gave up his law studies to travel the world and tell people around the world about beer, like Tin-Tin’. I must have missed that episode.

But you can tell he lives the life of an international jet setter. How do I know? Because no one normal has a ponytail like that.

He even has an honorary knighthood – although, admittedly, it came from the Chevalerie du Fourquet des Brasseurs of the Confederation of Belgian Brewers.

It didn’t matter, I wanted what he had and I was primed to show him exactly what I was made of.

But who would have thought pulling a pint was so difficult?

You would have thought all those years spent on the hazy side of the bar would have prepared me, but no. Once again, God spat in my drink and I will have to make do with a life spent being served pints of beer rather than serving them.

Cheers.

This article is sponsored by Stella Artois.

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Zombies – got to love them. Seeing their slow, shiftless bodies somehow catch up with and eat the brains of their unwitting, fully agile victims never ceases to amaze.

Their grotesque faces, their cold, emotionless eyes and laboured movements – it’s just like watching X Factor, only remarkably not as popular.

We cannot get enough of them. Maybe we secretly want to be one.

Maybe the idea of doing the same mindless things every day, with only our constant, base desires to keep us company is in some way appealing to us.

We could always do with a bit more brains, right? In fact, we are pretty sure a substantial proportion of the population have already been turned into zombies. How else can you explain the baffling popularity of Miranda – otherwise known as the ‘death of art’?

Plus, I am pretty sure the old guy who lives in flat six downstairs is already one. It would certainly explain the smell that comes from under his door and the annoying shuffling he does around his flat during the night.

Anyway, zombie films have given us some of the most memorable moments in horror cinema – and here at hecklerspray right now, we are in a giving mood. So much so we thought we would come up with a nice, bite-sized list of the most remarkable scenes in zombie movie history, complete with videos.

So pick the bones out of this little lot.

22. Eyeball munch
From: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Getting a mouthful of eyeball. (I asked a zombie movie fanatic and she said the Evil Dead series counts).

21. Chopper chopper
From: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

A zombie looking a bit like one of the monsters from Carry on Screaming forgets to duck near a helicopter. Mindless idiot.

20. Eat The Parents
From: Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Young Karen Cooper, daughter of Harry and Helen, grows up into a zombie. One of the most iconic moments in zombie movie history.

19. A leg up
From: Planet Terror (2007)

Rose McGowan gets her leg eaten, but still makes the best out of a bad situation.

18. Headache
From: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Probably the most famous death in zombie history. So bad, it was even banned in Britain. Boo.

17. Nazi cocksucker
From: Dead Snow (2009)

Brilliant clip from a really funny film.

16. London is finally quiet
From: 28 Days Later (2002)

Why can’t London really be as quiet as this.

15. Kill Bill
From: Zombieland (2009)

Bill Murray pretends to be a zombie as a prank. Is killed.

14. Zombie vs. Shark
From: Zombi 2 (1979)

The title says it all.

13. “More brains”
From: Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Eat enough brains and you get some.

12. Piano death
From: Zombieland (2009)

Woman takes out a zombie Harold Lloyd style.

11. Robert Carlyle does a runner
From: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

I never trusted that Robert Carlyle. Such a shifty face. Abandons his wife to be killed and is then chased by an ever-growing number of zombies. Surely, one of the best openings to a film ever.

10. “I kick ass for the Lord”!
From: Braindead (1992)

A local priest, looking remarkably like Father Ted, goes Jackie Chan on some zombies.

9. Lawnmower man
From: Braindead (1992)

Peter Jackson sets new lows in film gore. Sheer brilliance.

8. Zombie Baby
From: Dawn of the Dead (2004)

I am not sure what is more shocking: The fact a baby becomes a zombie, or the fact the Dawn of the Dead remake was actually good.

7. Kiss of death
From: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

Robert Carlyle has just been reunited with his wife, who he’d abandoned for dead in the first scene of the film. What he doesn’t realise, is she’s still infected with the Rage.

6. ‘Who’s laughing now’
From: Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Not sure what is the most shocking: the fact he cuts his own possesses hand off while laughing or the fact he thinks putting it under the tap would solve the problem.

5. Tarantino’s cock rots off
From: Planet Terror (2007)

Hard to watch this scene, to be honest.

4. “Choke on em”
From: Day of the Dead (1986)

Apart from the private in Dog Soldiers shouting at a werewolf as he is about to eat him, “I hope I give you the shits”, this is the greatest line ever uttered during a character’s death.

3. Baby blender
From: Braindead (1992)

That is no way to look after a baby.

2. That bit with the tree (You know the one)
From: Evil Dead (1981)

Raped by a err, zombie tree – WTF?

1. Giving it some real head
From: Re-animator (1985)

Simply brilliant.

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Long-distance relationships don’t work – everyone knows that.

I had one once, it was a lot of hassle, too much travel and involved not nearly enough nookie. And nobody is worth that? Or are they?

It begs the inevitable question: How far would you travel just to see the woman/ man of your dreams? Down the street? To the ends of the earth? Croydon? Personally, if it is any longer than two tubes and a short bus ride, I am making other plans.

But then I am neither Drew Barrymore, who plays Erin, an aspiring journalist, nor Justin Long, a music promoter called Garrett.

Because if I was (and that has just planted some really odd thoughts into my head), I would be more than happy to travel between New York and San Francisco just to spend some quality time together.

Now, that’s a long way, and to be honest, even taking one tube to see Drew Barrymore on the big screen was a bit of a struggle for me, never mind travelling 3,000 miles to see her.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the promise of a free packet of toffee popcorn, I would have probably stayed indoors.

But then I guess I am not the target audience. I have a heart of flint and the only thing I know about romance comes from studying for my A-Level English Literature exams.

Also, unlike a lot of men I know, I am completely immune to Barrymore’s charms. Her and her owl’s anus of a mouth do nothing for me. (Actually, I say that, there was this one moment in Poison Ivy…).

The point is, like most men dragged to the cinema to watch ‘wrong-coms’ with their partners, I need something to keep me going. Sandra Bullock usually does the job. But Drew Barrymore and the gawky guy from Dodgeball? Hmmmm.

To be honest, the only way the film could have sounded even less enticing would have been if I had found out that Nicolas Cage was in it, with Danny DeVito as his comedy sidekick friend.

Thankfully, none of these things happened and, despite all my fears, Going the Distance, helmed by Nanette Burstein (On The Ropes), is an entertaining movie. No, really.

Now, when I say that, I have to admit the best scenes are reserved for when the happy couple are actually apart, which, as it’s a film about long-distance relationships, are mercifully quite common.

The reason for that is not because Long and Barrymore lack chemistry, it’s because their friends and family are a lot more interesting.

Firstly, there are Long’s mates, Box (Jason Sudeikis) and Dan (Charlie Day), who mercilessly rib their lovesick friend about his constant texting, as he struggles to keep the relationship going after Stanford student Erin returns home from her summer stint as an intern at the New York Sentinel.

His roommate, Dan, in particular, is a real treat, particularly his attempts at helping Garrett and Erin get together in the first place.

Then there’s Erin’s uptight sister Corinne, played by Christina Applegate, and her long-suffering husband Phil, played superbly by Jim Gaffigan.

They are helped by a script which splutters in parts but provides enough laughs to have you leaving the cinema with a smile on your face.

All in all, it all adds up to a decent rom-com capable of melting even the hardest of hearts.

Maybe I am a romantic after all. Maybe not.

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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.

But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.

The same can’t be said for our Henrietta Hoover, though. Sure, she has an eager face, a bag full of accessories and a suck that could strip paint, but she looks more like a hyperactive child that has drunk too much Sunny D than Darryl Hannah in Bladerunner.

Mind you, come to think of it, her bag has been a full a lot recently – the cheap, pink floozy. OK, we are only joking now – and, sure, as we write, we feel slightly soiled and unusual, but robots really can be sexy.

Think about it, robots do what you ask them to do and are happy to please. Plus their beauty never fades and there is always an off switch for those rare occasions when their ‘personality’ chips overheat. Then the attraction starts to become obvious: Less housework, less conflict and more sex – even if it is a bit icky, like trying to mount a pink Optimus Prime or something.

But which robots from movies, TV and even music videos are the sexiest? Well, hecklerspray, as always, provides lame answers to the questions you never asked in the first place.

We have even managed to get one bloke in our list of lovely lady-bots to make it fairer. Mind you it is Jude Law, who, especially after seeing a picture of his private parts, barely counts.

Anyway enjoy – we are already looking forward to comments of ‘you forgot blah blah from that film no one has ever heard of’. Oh, and, yes, we are including bloody cyborgs. Don’t start.

22. Bjork lesbian robot
From: Music video All Is Full Of Love

Brilliant video of Bjork getting it on with herself. No, not like that.

21. Cameron (Summer Glau)
From: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Everyone loves the Summer.

20. Gigolo Joe (Jude Law)
From: AI

Token bloke alert.

19. Diana A
From: Mazinger Z

Her breasts are missiles – what else needs to be said. Don’t look at us like that.

18. Annalee Call (Winona Ryder)
From: Alien Resurrection

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

17. Alice (Isabel Lucas)
From: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Great tongue and a more convincing human being than Megan Fox.

16. Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross)
From: Stepford Wives (1975 version)

What? Come on! You so would. Or, errr, would have done.

15. Various (The Fembots)
From: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Even Liz Hurley almost passed as sexy as a FemBot. Mind you, she already had the robotic moves and cold, emotionless stare – that’s how she normally acts.

14. Rosie (voice of Jean Vander Pyl)
From: The Jetsons

So eager to please.

13. Eve (Renee Soutendijk)
From: Eve of Destruction

If you have never seen this film, get it out now. It’s about a government-created robot built in the image of a sexy scientist and it’s up to actor/dancer Gregory Hines to stop her from blowing up and taking everyone with her. Really.

12. Joanna Eberhart (Nicole Kidman)
From: The Stepford Wives (newer, crappier version)

OK, not to everyone’s taste, but this is my list, OK?

11. Casella ‘Cash’ Reese (Angelina Jolie)
From: Cyborg 2

Cyborg 2 is so bad, it’s worse than Cyborg. But Angelina Jolie, before she is famous, has a naked scene where she cavorts with the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (No, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince). You can almost smell her desperation.

10. Maria (Brigitte Helm)
From: Metropolis

An exotic dancer who doesn’t talk?

9. Rachael (Sean Young)
From: Blade Runner

Our replicants really robots, who cares?

8. Gigolo Jane (Ashley Scott)
From: AI

AI is a such a bad film. Even worse than Cyborg 2. But strikingly attractive love-bot, Gigolo Jane, almost makes up for the 18 bum-numbing hours sopent watching this utter turd.

7. Lucy Liu-bot
From: Futurama

A robot with the body of Lucy Liu that you can turn off – Hrrrrrh!!!

6. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
From: Star Trek: The Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

5. Number Eight: Grace Park
From: Battlestar Galactica

4. Pris (Darryl Hannah)
From: Blade Runner

Basic pleasure model – need we say anymore?

3. Number Six (Tricia Helfer)
From: Battlestar Galatica

tricia-helfer

Top of the range toaster.

2. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)
From: Star Trek: Voyager

More 10 out of 10.

1. The Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken)
From: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

A clear winner.

Honorable mentions:
Demon Seed – Proteus
Arnie – Terminator franchise

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What would you do for the love of a good woman? Buy her flowers every day? Sure. Go and see Sex And The City 3 whenever it comes out on the cinema? Maybe. Give up your dreams just so you can hold it against her when your once-strong relationship inevitably ends in bitter recriminations and crude accusations? Probably. So how about fighting her seven evil ex-boyfriends to the death?

Forget it. As someone slightly more famous than me once said – I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

To be honest, I am not sure I would do he others either – but I guess that’s why I am single (no, really, I am). Thankfully, we have blokes like Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) who would, just to win the love of the quirkily-coiffured Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). And it’s a good job, as it would have been a very short film if he hadn’t.
However, the problem is that her exes are all blessed with some kind of super power. One has the ability to summon demon hipster girls, another can disappear, while super villain and creator of the League of Evil Exes, Gideon Gordon Graves, combats the lovelorn Pilgrim armed only with an incredibly smug grin. Hardly a stretch for Jason Schwartzman.

Thankfully for loser Pilgrim, a bass player for a rubbish band called Sex Bob-omb, he inhabits a videogame/Manga-inspired universe dreamed up by Eisner Award-winning graphic novelist Bryan Lee O’Malley.

Which certainly comes in handy when you are been attacked from all corners by an army of comic book baddies, who when defeated even explode into a Nintendo-style shower of coins. There are even power-ups, extra lives and even a ‘pee-ometer’.

No, really.

If you are now scratching your heads wondering how the hell a simple story of young love has ended up sounding like a Japanese schoolboy’s wet dream, it’s probably best if you stop reading now. To be honest, I am surprised I managed to get past the two words ‘Michael’ and ‘Cera’. But I did, thanks mainly to a smart script, a superb performance from Pilgrim’s snarky gay roommate Wallace Wells, played by Kieran Culkin, and Edgar Wright’s (Shaun of the Dead, Hot
Fuzz) brilliant direction.

What could easily have become a nerd-fest is actually a very charming and likeable film.

Sure, I am not cool enough or young enough, for that matter, to understand half of the pop culture references that continually clogged up the script.

Plus, I had to look at Cera’s ridiculous face – a cross between a constipated Muppet and a comfy chair – for over an hour-and-a-half, which, despite being beaten up for most of the film, never changed.

The Canadian actor really makes Keanu Reeves look like Marlon Brando. Winstead, meanwhile, provides capable support, but is not the kind of girl that would get me reaching for my joystick (we have already gone through this).

However, I came away from the cinema excited by a director willing to take risks. And while Scott Pilgrim will certainly not appeal to everyone, it is a shot in the arm for a genre desperately low on ideas. Even Cera, whose stuffed puppet eyes never registered any emotion throughout the entire movie, started to grow on me by the end, kind of like an insufferable mouth ulcer.

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Have to say, this performance by a school orchestra of the title music of 2001: A Space Odyssey had us rolling on the floor at Hecklerspray Towers.

It gets better (worse) as it goes on. Sheer brilliance.

The piece is written by Richard Strauss and is called Sprach Zarathustra, which we can only assume is German for ‘play really badly’.

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The A-Team is like Mr T himself: It may look and sound ridiculous, but it just works – sort of.

Believe me, I really did not want director Joe Carnahan’s (Smokin’ Aces, NARC) movie revamp of the popular 80s TV show to work. It is an awful thing to admit, but I was actually looking forward to saying some nasty things about it.

That’s because to me The A-Team is more than just a rubbish children’s show in the 80s – it was a childhood obsession. Messing with The A-Team is like messing with my childhood. They were the 80s’ equivalent of the Fab Four. Every boy my age dreamt of being a Hannibal, a BA Baracus, a Face or a Murdoch.

Why I wanted to be a mental patient I am still not entirely sure about, but you get the idea.

Plus, I am sick of this ridiculous obsession with the 1980s. In the Decades family, the 1980s is the brash middle brother no one talks to at functions because he’s obsessed with money, carries a phone the size of a house brick and has hair like an Australian cricketer. I was there, believe me, they weren’t that good.

But despite my prejudices, I cannot deny I enjoyed The A-Team. Now, don’t get me wrong, it is no Citizen Kane. In fact, it is not even a good film.

The plot, in which the eponymous quartet of Special Forces soldiers try to clear their names after being framed for a disastrous undercover military mission, is ludicrous, and some of the dialogue (the bits you can understand at least) is as dodgy as Mr T’s bling.

The A-Team’s van and famous theme tune, along with love interest Captain Charissa Sosa (Jessica Biel), are also criminally underused, while Liam Neeson and Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson are unconvincing as team leader Hannibal and BA respectively.

But, just like when the A-Team used to somehow get trapped in a shed full for rusty spanners and a broken fridge and somehow escape by turning it into a combine harvester with flame throwers and a nail gun, it shouldn’t work, but it does.

The first fast-paced 30 minutes alone are worth the price of admission, as the four members of the team first meet amid a backdrop of explosions and really bad dialogue.

And the action only gets bigger and sillier. People rappel down skyscrapers while firing guns. They drop a parachute-equipped tank from a plane and shoot it either way to guide it into a lake.

They execute ridiculous missions that involve knowing exactly where the enemy will be at exactly what time, down to the very millisecond.

But that actually adds to the charm. The A-Team was never supposed to serious.

And as much as it hurts me to say it, Sharlto Copley, otherwise known as the bloke from the brilliant District 9, is pretty good as ‘Howlin’ Mad’ Murdock. Although, I have no idea which accent the South African star is trying to do.

But the real star of the show is Bradley Cooper, otherwise known as the good-looking one from another brilliant movie of last year, The Hangover.

Cooper, who plays the group’s ladies man Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck, is destined to be a bigger star. He drives the film and covers up the cracks left by the miscasting of Neeson.

Plus there are even some memorable quotes among the dross. My favourite is ‘D.O.D? I don’t care if she is G.O.D’.

So essentially, it isn’t awful, but it does beg the question whether it would have worked if it wasn’t called The A-Team. And the answer is, probably not.

But despite every instinct in my body, I enjoyed myself. There are worse ways to spend an evening – believe me.

Sometimes I really hate it when a plan comes together.

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Who would have thought predators had dogs?

When I first saw one kick the living crap out of Arnie all those years ago, the last thing I thought was that we had something in common; something to chat about in the pub. That we both had furry friends. Sure, the dogs themselves have a face only a predator could love and not much fur, but you get the point.

Admittedly, it’s a strange way to start a review of the latest offering in the Predator franchise, but it was probably the most interesting thing about the film. Not that Predators, starring Oscar winner Adrien Brody and Laurence Fishburne, and produced by Robert Rodriguez, is bad. It’s actually a good way to waste 107 minutes of your life.

But then, having endured the last two offerings from the franchise, even Two Predators, One Cup would have been a significant improvement.

And thanks to Rodriguez and director Nimrod Antal, it isn’t the only new thing we learn about them either. For example, did you know there are different types of predators, some of which are even bigger, stronger and meaner than the ones we have been treated to in the past? They are just like us really – only really ugly with dreads, like Floella Benjamin, and with a mouth that looks like a Manga vagina.

They have all the stuff we have, like France and paper mâché, only different. They even have dogs, which some people find really interesting.

Plus, in this movie, rather than just come down to Earth, or whatever planet they fancy, for their quarry, they bring their prey to them. Or rather a planet which is their very own game reserve.
And top of the hit list is a beefed-up Brody and a bunch of other ‘really nasty’ people the predators have kidnapped from all over the world purely so they can hunt them.

Brody is joined by Fishburne, looking surprisingly well fed for a man who has survived on the planet for 10 seasons, a token fit woman, a token comic relief, a token fish out of water (Topher Grace), a token Russian and that Mexican guy who is always in Rodriguez’s movies.

And that really is the whole plot. They have to survive against all the odds… blah de blah. You get the idea. Basically, lots of people die, some don’t. The end.

But, like I said at the beginning, Predators is a good movie. It has boiled down exactly what we liked about the first movie and added to it. It even gets straight into the action, as the unfortunate band of CIA killers, mercenaries, criminals and, errr, surgeons wake up mid-air as they plummet towards the planet.

The only problem is that, while it shows the predators in a whole new light, the film feels more like a homage to the original rather than the latest chapter.

The music is the same, the backdrop is the same, the special effects are the same – even some of the characters look the same!

It makes you wonder if this predator really has shot its last bolt. I mean where else can they take it? Cats, maybe? I’d watch it.

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