Victoria’s Secret? Well, it’s not really a secret at all.

Want to sell some underwear? Just get some of the hottest women alive to prance around in it.

It’s that simple. Seriously, stick Heidi Klum in an advert for anything and we would be at the front of the queue. Even if it is thrush cream.

Job done. But who are the hottest Victoria’s Secret models of all? Well, all we can say is, we certainly enjoyed trying to find out.

20. Marisa Miller

19. Karen Mulder

18. Rebecca Romijn

17. Olga Kurylenko

16. Jill Goodacre

15. Angie Everhart

14. Jarah Mariano

13. Selita Ebanks

12. Daniela Pestova

11. Bar Refaeli

10. Estella Warren

9. Chandra North

7. Alessandra Ambrosio

6. Niki Taylor

5. Laetitia Casta

4. Heidi Klum

3. Miranda Kerr

2. Gisele Bundchen

1. Adriana Lima

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Football wasn’t always a non-contact sport.

With all the diving, posing and play-acting you see in the Premiership and international football these days, it’s easy to forget there were times the Beautiful Game was anything but. In fact, football could be downright nasty – with the players below some of the main instigators.

Bring on the FA charge.

23. Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris

Former Chelsea defender known for his uncompromising tackles and his huge chopper. No wait.

22. Billy Bremner

Once described as 10 stone of barbed wire – and that was just his hair – Leeds and Scotland legend Bremner was an argument waiting to happen.  Well, he was Scottish, had ginger hair and was small.  Was so hard he even went toe to toe with tough-as-teak Kevin Keegan during the 1974 Charity Shield.

21. Norman Hunter

Nicknamed ‘bites yer legs’ for his weird sexual appetites. No, wait, it was because he was a tough, uncompromising defender. Played for the Leeds team every hates. Would have appeared higher, but for being beaten up by Franny Lee. See clip.

20. Graeme Souness

Our favourite story about the former Middlesbrough, Rangers and Liverpool midfielder is that Garth Crooks once whimpered he was ‘an uncompromising brute’. You can just imagine him saying that, can’t you? Only with a few more words. He could also play a bit. See clip above.

19. Luis Medina

The former Estudiantes star was so unpleasant even his mother didn’t like him. Was sent off during the 1968 World Club Championship for kicking the crap out of Georgie Best.

18. Roy McDonough

A tough tackler who racked up more cards than Clinton’s.

17. Roy Keane

The former Manchester United skipper was a nasty piece of work. Even Sir Alex was scared of him.

16. Willie Woodburn

Former Scotland and Rangers defender of the 1950s who was banned from the game for life after being sent off for the fifth time in six years.  Five sendings off? Doesn’t seem much does it, but when you consider you had to commit GBH to get sent off in the Fifties, it was probably fair enough.

15. Terry Butcher

The former England skipper was not the kind of man you would want to meet in a dark alley, especially when he’s covered in blood. Has a hard name too.

14. Giuseppe Bergomi

The Italian hardman would have tackled his own grandmother.

13. Tommy Smith

Legend has it Merseyside mothers kept a picture of him by the mantelpiece to keep them from the fire.

12. Jose Batista

The hardest player to ever play for Uruguay, which is really saying something. Just ask Gordon Strachan. Batista assaulted him in the first minute in the 1986 World Cup.

11. Bert Trautmann

It takes some balls to play in the English league when you were a German paratrooper during the Second World War. But what really makes the former Manchester City goalkeeper stand out is the fact he played on in the 1956 FA Cup final with a broken neck. Imagine players doing that now.

10. Chic Charnley

Obviously growing up with a stupid name toughened the former Partick Thistle player up. In fact, he holds the record for the most dismissals in British football. One story has it was once attacked during a training session by two men with samurai swords. The pair ran away.

9. Leonel Sanchez

The Chilean star played a starring role in the Battle of Santiago in 1962 – dubbed ‘the dirtiest match ever’. How? Well, he knocked out Humbero Maschio with a superb left hook. See clip above.

8. Duncan Ferguson

Former jailbird who once found two burglars in his house. Ferguson confronted the pair and was able to detain one of them who subsequently spent three days in hospital. The second man managed to flee but was eventually caught.

7. Miguel Angel Nadal

Probably remembered more for his penalty miss against England in Euro 1996, but Nadal was not dubbed The Beast of Barcelona for his dodgy haircut.

6. Claudio Gentile

Along with Danny Invincible and Leon Best, the Italian defender possibly has the least appropriate surname in football. Please send more suggestions.

5. Terry Hurlock

No one liked him, he didn’t care.

4. Andoni Goikoetxea

Not called the Butcher of Bilbao for his tasty meat cuts.

3. Stuart Pearce

Headbutted by Basile Boli in 1992 and barely flinched. Now that is the kind of players we want in the league nowadays. Psycho is a true legend. Could not resist putting the clip in.

2. Dave Mackay

The former Spurs and Derby star was man not to be trifled with.

1. Billy Whitehurst

A football journeyman who was rumoured to supplement his earnings by engaging in bare knuckle boxing bouts with local gypsies. There is also a story that he beat up Vinnie Jones while the pair were at Sheffield United. Not a man to annoy, so we’ll shut up now.

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Leaping lizards – cult Eighties sci-fi TV mini-series V is back on our TV screens!

Twenty-six years since I hid behind the sofa at the sight of a big-haired Jane Badler scoffing down a poor, hapless guinea pig, our favourite reptilian alien overlords are back – albeit with a slight makeover.

Gone are the big hairstyles, orange jumpsuits, huge sunglasses and funny voices – the new series, which was piloted last night on US screens, is very much a creation of the post-9/11 age.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about (and have probably stopped reading by now anyway), V was a big deal during the decade of big hair and shoulder pads.

The original series, created by Kenneth Johnson, was almost a modern retelling of the Nazis’ rise to power.

‘V’ stands for ‘Visitors’ – or nice, sexy alien people, who come to Earth to share their technological and medical secrets with us – but soon comes to mean ‘Victory’ after we find out the nice aliens are really dastardly lizards covered in human skin, who actually want to eat us and take all our water. The slimy bastards. Imagine David Icke’s wet dreams and you will have some idea what I am talking about.

They even have a symbol which resembles a swastika and a kind of Hitler Youth (which is also used in the modern remake; calling them ‘Peace Ambassadors’), just to ram home the point. This latest update, with a teleplay by Scott Peters, sticks loosely to the framework of the original, but tries to accommodate contemporary concerns. One of which, hilariously, is a Visitors’ pledge to provide ‘universal healthcare’, which looks likely to play right into the darkest US fears over ‘socialised medicine’.

Instead, during this invasion, the aliens, led by the rather lovely Anna (played by geek bait favourite Morena Baccarin), there’s more emphasis on trust and terror, along with the new revelation that this is not the scaly ones’ first visit to earth. In fact, some have been working with us for a while in secret, learning how what makes us tick (I think there are a few in our office).

But some humans, like the ridiculously-efficient FBI agent Erica Evans (Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost) and Father Jack (Joel Gretsch), soon find out the truth and decide to fight back, while others decide to keep quiet to further their own careers. Blah, blah, you get it.

But the question is: Is the future really green?

Well, here’s four reasons I think it will succeed, and four reasons why I think it won’t. Enjoy!

Why it will work

1. Morena Baccarin

Reptiles have never been so sexy. Seriously, check out her scales and you’ll realise why making her the poster girl for the new series is a masterstroke. Now, anyone who has ever watched Firefly or the film Serenity, where she plays a space hooker, were already well aware of Morena’s not insignificant charms. But the best thing about V is that, looking at the supermodels they have already marched out of the mothership, you know she won’t be the last piece of reptilian tail.

2. It’s V, dammit

The show was a massive hit in the eighties, meaning it will already attract a huge number of thirty and forty-somethings desperate to find out how it compares. The new series has also added a number of topics to make it appeal to the younger generation too. They really should have kept the orange jumpsuits though. The Visitors are all really well turned out, which instantly put my back up. Seriously, the mothership looks more like a Shoreditch PR bar than a den of alien overlords.

3. The special effects

What I have seen so far, the effects are pretty good for TV, which will keep audiences interested for a little longer. Mind you, I think the guy who designed the space shuttles did it in the dark. They are the Citroens of the alien, high-tech world.

4. It’s very watchable

The story is simple to understand and fun. I was not the only one in the theatre desperate to find out what happens next.

Reasons it won’t work

1. Erica Evans

Maybe it was because they were trying to cram a lot into the first episode, but I have serious doubts about Mitchell’s acting abilities. Sure, she was not helped by some atrocious lines and a frantic pace, but I have grave reservations over whether she can carry the show. Plus her character is almost as annoying as her character in Lost.

2. No interesting characters

Once again, I am going to blame the frenzied nature of the pilot, but where are the characters? Where is the light relief? Did you like anybody? The script was so bothered about trying to expose the next plotline it forgot about the one thing that connects people to shows in the long-term. Please slow down! The closest we got was that guy from Firefly whose eyes are so close together I think his right eye is actually is left. And vice versa. Seriously, you can’t trust anyone who looks like his face got stuck after the wind changed when he was in a hall of mirrors.

3. It’s V, damnit

The fact it was a huge hit means a lot of people will dismiss it as a pointless remake that only serves to point out that TV executives really do not have any fresh ideas. And they are right.

4. It won’t be given a chance

Money talks – and if V does not get attract large audiences straight away its days will be numbered.

V will be screned in the UK in January. Watch an exclusive clip at Sci-fi.

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We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Poker is officially our new favourite pastime.

But we are not talking about just playing it – watching it can be just as good.

Now, TV programmes dedicated to featuring fat, balding men with crap monikers like ‘Pretty Boy’ and ‘Cardshark’ leering over their cards at each other may not seem like a good night’s entertainment. And you would be right.

But have you seen some of the hot women on the circuit? Poker? You bet we would.  Play your cards right and you would losing more than your shirt – and love every minute of it. We had no idea poker was so sexy.

And it gave us an idea for another list. Just who are there hottest girls on the circuit?

Well, here is our royal flush.

17. Kathy Griffin
Kinda funny, kinda sexy and not bad at cards either.

16. Isabelle Mercier

Prior to turning to a poker career, she earned an undergraduate law degree from the Université de Montréal and practiced commercial law for a year. Brains and beauty.

15. Evelyn Ng

The 33-year-old Canadian is yet to win a major tournament. Look, we never said they had to be any good – just look good.

14. Anna Benson
Better known as the pretty but potty wife of former Mets pitcher Kris Benson, Anna has become a regular on the poker circuit after an anonymous fan fronted her the $10,000 entry fee for the WSOP Main Event.  She’s even launched her own site – unfortunately it’s a poker site.

13. Cindy Margolis

OK, so links to poker are pretty dubious for the once most downloaded women on the net. But US glamour model Cindy recently launched her own poker room, where you can apparently go head-to-head with her.  There is a joke there somewhere.

12. Joanna Krupa

This Polish-born beauty, who has graced the covers of Playboy, Maxim, FHM, and Trump magazines, is the new face of Titan Poker. Now that’s what I call an advert.

11. Jennifer Leigh

Jennicide recently appeared fully nude in Playboy. Oh, and she’s pretty good with cards too.

10. Courtney Friel

Fox entertainment reporter Friel is well known to the poker community after hosting season four of the World Poker Tour television series. Mmmmmm, she makes us Friel good.

9. Chantel McNulty

You really would find it hard to concentrate on your cards when you have this 22-year-old Texan’s enhanced boobs staring back at you.

8. Erica Schoenberg

Rumour has it that Erica appeared topless in Carmen Electra’s Strip Poker DVD. Well, if anyone has a copy could they send it to us?

7. Brandi Hawbaker

Sometime movie star Brandi is also rumoured to be a stripper from Las Vegas. Anyone for strip poker?

6. Clonie Gowen

Professional poker player from Texas that we’d all like to play our cards right with.

5. Andrea Parker

An American TV actress, also famous for making Julia Roberts‘ body look slightly better, is a regular on the celebrity poker tour.

4. Marianela Pereyra

We would love some Argy-bargy with Buenos Aires-born model Marianela, who was NBC’s superb choice for Poker After Dark season three.

3. Layla Kayleigh

Season six host of the World Poker Tour’s televised circuit and British to boot. Get in there.

2. Jennifer Tilly

A serious poker hottie with career winnings in excess of $450,000, Tilly, of course, will always have a place in our hearts for such fine films as Bound and, errrr, Bride of Chucky.

1. Shannon Elizabeth

Who would not like a piece of this American Pie?  Her poker credentials? Well, actually she finished in the money at four separate WSOP events, and was also third on NBC’s National Heads-Up Poker Championship, taking home $120,000. Or so it says here.

Special award:
Hottest girl who once played poker very badly on Sky Poker.

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What is it about the Deep South of America that scares the crap out of me?

If ever I was to rank all the places in the world according to where I would like to go before I die, it would probably appear below warzones Afghanistan and Burma. It’s still above France though.

It’s ridiculous, I know, but I’m British. My only knowledge of the area comes from appalling horror movies and one heavily-edited episode of Top Gear. But there is something about the place which really freaks me out.

For some reason I have this idea in my head that every shop I go in will be festooned with dead animals and that a toothless old man in a rocking chair will darkly greet me with the words “We don’t get many strangers round ’ere”.

There is no way I would last. I am a city boy, with no religious or racial prejudices to boast of. I would be hung as ‘a dievil’ quicker than you can say Rosco P. Coltrane.

The release of the first season of True Blood has done nothing to ease my fears. In fact, rather than stop me worrying about tales of sodomy and superstition, I have now added vampires, telepathic virgins, man-dogs and girls named Sookie (really) to my list of reasons not to go.

What makes it worse, is that in True Blood world, vampires are accepted after ‘coming out of the coffin’, thanks largely to a new drink called Tru Blood, which uses synthetic blood.

They own nightclubs, have their own fan clubs (fang bangers – girls who let vampires bite them) and even campaign for equal rights on late night TV shows.

Sure, it’s supposed to be fiction, but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, right? I am sure life in Bon Temps, where the series is shot, is all bonnets and butterflies, but it’s so far removed from my own world I have no idea what to expect.

The closest I have ever been to the Deep South is Disneyland. For all I know, True Blood is an accurate snapshot of Louisiana life.

Thank you Hollywood and TV Land for turning me into an idiot.

But is True Blood any good? Well, after being showered with praise and awards since it first aired on HBO on September 2, 2008, it certainly has a lot of fans.

Based on the The Southern Vampire Mysteries novels by Charlaine Harris, it centres on telepathic waitress Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin), who risks the wrath of the good townspeople of Bon Temps when she falls in love with dirty, blood-sucking vampire Bill Compton, played by British actor Stephen Moyer. To add more bite, there is someone going around killing anybody who associates with vampires.

What you get is a pretty good TV series, which brushes on themes such as religious hypocrisy, minority rights and sexual fantasies thicker than a dub of black molasses.

The two main characters, to be honest, are the worst thing in it. Paquin is a fantastic actress and at least while pretending to listen to people’s thoughts does not follow Greg Grunberg’s method of cocking his head like a confused dog.

But Sookie, a waitress at Bon Temps bar Merlotte’s, is essentially an annoying character – from her toothy grin to her sullied goody two shoes.

Moyer is even worse and capable of just two expressions: one when he shows his fangs and the other when tries to look mean and moody but just looks like a man who feels guilty about farting in a lift of strangers.

In fact, the only thing interesting about his character is he’s, well, a vampire and he’s 173 years old, which admittedly is quite interesting.

The only thing interesting about Sookie is she has sex with a 173-year-old dead man. Which, technically, makes her a right weirdo.

But the real genius of True Blood is the supporting cast members, particularly three characters. First, there’s Sookie’s dim-witted older brother Jason, played brilliantly by Aussie actor Ryan Kwanten, who is not only addicted to vampire blood (the latest drug on the street) but would also stick his dick in a bag of soot.

Then there’s Sookie’s best mate, the tempestuous Tara, and, best of all, her cousin, Lafayette, who is not only a cook but also the town’s drug dealer and rent boy.

They all serve to add a bit more bite to a largely uninteresting main plot.

Thank God then for more than the occasional sex scene to keep you keen – just not keen enough to go yourself.

True Blood: Season One is released on DVD on Monday

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Advertising – it’s the easiest job in the world.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but coming up with a successful advert is not exactly brain surgery. Bit of sex, a lot of humour and a cracking song and you could sell vomit-coloured shoes to even the most discerning of fashion shoppers. We like to think we are immune to such obvious marketing tricks, but we’re not.

Tampons are not exactly a regular on my shopping list. But give me an ad featuring Anna Friel in a skimpy top dancing to the Pixies or some cracking Motown track and it won’t be long before I’ll be queuing up for my sanitary towel fix.

That’s because good music works – it can make even the most insufferably tedious and boring things appear cool. Just look at Michael Stipe. But which are your favourites? Which advert tracks had you rushing to the shops, only to come away scratching your head over why you actually bought the crappy item?

The kind that leaves you scouring the iTunes just so you didn’t have to endure countless more advertising breaks in the hope of hearing it again. But getting the right track can be sometimes troublesome. Trying to flog any old piece of crap by sticking a half-decent track from The Beatles or Rolling Stones on the advert is not a guaranteed win, which kind of disproves my earlier point, but whatever.

Anyway, here at hecklerspray we have compiled our favourites. Just to clarify, we don’t mean advert ditties – we are talking about proper song tracks. Feel free to let us know what you think – not that you need any encouragement! Enjoy!

20. A Minha Menina by Os Mutantes
Advert: McDonald’s

Great song by one of the world’s greatest ever bands, and an important message as well – gorging yourself silly on mechanically-reclaimed meat is better than exercise. That is the point of the ad, isn’t it?

19. Flat Beat by Mr Oizu
Advert: Levis Sta-Prest trousers

Yes, it got annoying quickly. But that was only because everyone else loved it as much as you did.

18. Pink Moon by Nick Drake
Advert: Volkswagen

Foolish Nick Drake. Would he have killed himself if he knew that one day he’d be advertising German cars from beyond the grave? Almost certainly not.

17. Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones
Advert: Vodafone

Hey, we need a song to advertise free weekend telephone calls for kids. What should the song be about? Debilitating heroin addiction? BINGO! Good job the song’s so brilliant, really.

16. Heart Attack and Vine by Screaming Jay Hawkins
Advert: Levi jeans

Who finds the best songs to use in adverts? Levis. Apart from when they used Babylon Zoo, obviously. Remember Babylon Zoo? No? OK, never mind.

15. Slow Hands by Interpol
Advert: Armani

Good song, stylish brand and, oh, Josh Hartnett. Oh Armani, you were so close.

14. Can’t Seem to Make You Mine by The Seeds
Advert: Lynx Bullet Advert

A song so good it almost makes us want to buy impractically small canisters of schoolboy deodorant. Almost.

13. Beggin’ by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons (remix)
Advert: Adidas

An advert featuring a remix of a Frankie Valli song and starring The Ting Tings that isn’t overwhelmingly horrible? Goodness.

12. Phat Planet by Leftfield
Advert: Guinness

Never bettered, by Guinness or Leftfield. Or humanity, for that matter.

11. Just Another Diamond Day by Vashti Bunyan
Advert: T-Mobile

If you listen to this song and then throw yourself off a building, the ground will go soft and you almost definitely won’t die. Although we’re legally required to tell you that you must never, ever, try it. Ever.

10. Strange and Beautiful by Aqualung
Advert: Volkswagen

The answer to the question ‘What song should advertise our advert now that Radiohead have repeatedly turned us down?’

9. Little Less Conversation, by Elvis vs JXL
Advert: Nike

Tick follows tock follows tick follows… oh, sorry, wrong advert. Anyway, Wiltord – one of the world’s best football players? Really?

8. Cover version of Joy Division’s Ceremony
Advert: Absolut

Marvellous retweaking of a marvellous song. End.

7. Heart of Glass, by Blondie
Advert: Next

Classic song and beautiful girls. Shallow? Us?

6. I Just Want To Make Love To You by You by Etta James
Advert: Diet Coke

A bunch of women getting excited about a man who drinks Diet Coke as a matter of choice. Something tells us they’re barking up the wrong tree.

5. Venus in Furs by The Velvet Underground
Advert: Pirelli

Annoyingly, this advert doesn’t seem to be anywhere on the internet. But it was excellent and the song was good and the man who directed it also made American History X, so shut up.

4. I Heard It Through The Grapevine, by Marvin Gaye
Advert: Levi jeans

Very possibly the most dated thing in the universe. But, God, that song…

3. Tame by Pixies
Advert: Smirnoff

We like The Pixies. Did we ever mention that?

2. Inside by Stiltskin
Advert: Levi 501

Almost made us like Stiltskin, this, until we heard any other Stiltskin music. Good ad, though.

1. Heartbeats, by The Knife
Sony Bravia

The perfect marriage of audio and visual. The end.

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Premiership footballers? Not exactly the most likeable bunch in the world, are they?

Never has failure been rewarded so richly than in the top flight of English football. Apart from maybe the banking sector – but that’s a whole different story. They turn up for a few hours of training four days a week, play a match at the weekend and sometimes in midweek and earn a fortune doing it.

Sickening, isn’t it? Jealous? You bet we are.

You would not mind so much if they were any good at what they do, but the vast majority of teams in the Premiership are now populated by dross. And as for the England team – don’t even get us started. The point is, with just about everything going for them, you would think they would appreciate how lucky they are.

Far from it – in fact the vast majority spend most of their time whinging about one thing or another. Like, how terrible it is to be picking up only £50,000 a week playing for a Champions League team.  Like, how you moved to a club in some northern outpost in England and was disgusted to find out that the women were ugly. Like, how terrible it is that we go out on a night out posing for the cameras with your celebrity girlfriend, only to find out the papers have some rather less-flattering photos of you with some tart you banged a couple of months ago which they would rather print instead.

Our advice to Premiership footballers – shut up! Just shut up!

We have no interest in what you have to say or do other than questions such as, ‘did you really mean to elbow your opponent in the face?’, ‘do you think it’s right to dive for a penalty?’, and ‘are you a cheating, overpaid football mercenary?’ OK, rant over. Anyway, there are, of course, some footballers who go even beyond this.

Some players who fans love to hate. Sure, jealousy and bitter club rivalry play a big part, but there are some footballers who are simply horrible people. Arrogant, smug, violent, lying, cheating thugs. Here are our suggestions for the most hated.

Enjoy, and please send us your choices – God knows- there is enough to choose from!

We feel a lot better now.

12. Didier Drogba – Chelsea

How could someone who has the build of a heavyweight boxer fall down so easily? Plus, there was that girly slap he gave Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic in the Champions League final. Even Chelsea fans are starting to see the light – and that does not happen too often.

11. Kevin Davies – Bolton

Looks like a choirboy – tackles like one which has been systematically abused for years by randy, violent and sweaty priests. If ever there was a footballer in need of some anger management, it’s Bolton ’striker’ Davies.

10. Emmanuel Adebayor – Manchester City


It’s never a good sign when even your own fans dislike you. Adebayor owed a lot to Arsenal and manager Arsene Wenger but still ended up swanning off to the first club to wave a wad of cash under his nose. To make matters worse, he is not as good as he thinks.

9. Wayne Rooney – Manchester United

At least when Kevin Davies fouls someone, he usually gets booked for it. Granny whore lover Wayne Rooney, on the other hand, seems immune to censure – despite the fact he spends most of the time hacking down players who had the audacity to take the ball off him and then the next 20 minutes whinging about it. The fact the lifelong Everton fan also likes to wind up the supporters who used to adore him also makes him a number one candidate to break into the top three very soon.

8. Joey Barton – Newcastle (OK, not Premiership any more, but just wanted to vent some spleen)

Where do we start? Hopefully, the electric chair. Never has a small measure of footballing talent been wasted on such a worthless piece of human rubbish.

7. Lee Bowyer – Birmingham City

Same as Barton – only take out the reference to footballing talent.

6. Rio Ferdinand – Manchester United

Undoubtedly talented – but his show, when he ‘merked’ fellow members of England’s World Cup 2006 squad will live long in the realms of hell.

5. Emmanuel Eboue – Arsenal

Moan, moan, whine, whinge, moan… Just shut up and go.

4. El Hadj Diouf – Blackburn

OK, so he’s a bit of a pantomime villain – always winding up the opposition fans with his antics. But, then again, you don’t usually see Captain Hook spitting on the audience. Boooooooo!

3. Craig Bellamy – Manchester City (Unless he has moved again)

Obviously a keen golfer – just ask John Arne Riise – how else can you explain his hunger to collect as many clubs as Ian Woosnam? Hated by pros and managers alike – and probably his own mother.

2. Cristiano Ronaldo – ex-Manchester United

The little winker. Saved from top spot purely on the basis that he has some talent to back up his disgusting antics. Whether it is diving for a penalty or giving his team-mates a sly little wink after getting someone sent off, Ronaldo is a real number two.

1.    Ashley Cole – Chelsea

Can’t even bring ourselves to talk about him. Shudder.

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The pop industry has a lot to answer for.

It has created a lot of monsters. Simon Cowell and Kerry Katona spring to mind immediately. But female pop stars are not all talentless bints who clutter up newspapers and snarky entertainment sites (thanks for that) with their inane chatter and their lady bits.

Some of them look nice too. In fact, some of them are incredibly sexy. Oh, and some of them can sing too – but not that many.

So, in the latest excuse to comb the internet for sexy pictures of girls, Hecklerspray has decided to gather up the sexiest ones and come up with a purely subjective running order. As always, please feel free to let us know what you think. Enjoy.

26. Ciara

Has an album called Fantasy Ride. We could not have put it better ourselves.

25. Fergie


“I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won’t say how many men I’ve had sex with — but I am a very sexual person.” The case rests.

24. Christina Aguilera

A dirrrty, dirrrty girl.

23. Britney Spears

Everyone’s favourite nut.

22. Heidi from Sugababes

Will always be remembered as ‘the fit one from the Sugababes’.

21. Katy Perry

Do you think we are so easily won over by her releasing a song about her kissing a girl? Probably. Pathetic, isn’t it?

20. Madonna

Old vinegar tits must be glad all that hard work doesn’t go to waste. But for how long?

19. Shakira

Mad as a box of snakes, but undeniably sexy.

18. Rihanna

Even managed to make umbrellas sexy. Ella, ella…

17. Leona Lewis

The only good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

16. Sarah Harding

The party girl of Girls Aloud has a filthy mouth and drinks like a fish. Now that is perfect.

15. Nelly Furtado

Her music stinks, but, who cares? Just turn down the sound and watch the video instead.

14. Gwen Stefani

Well, she gives us a Stefani. OK, so it was a terrible joke.

13. Lily Allen

Annoying, pathetic, talentless bitch – but you would, wouldn’t you?

12. Rachel Stevens

We were told the other day the very sexy S Club star is still producing albums. Who knew?

11. Jessica Simpson

She has her knockers, but despite being dumber than a headless ox, Jessica Simpson, errr, has great knockers.

10. Hilary Duff

There are a lot of Duff things about Hilary, but her body is not one of them.

9. Natalie Imbruglia

Neighbours was never the same after she left.

8. J-Lo

Another horrible human being, but could you resist that arse?

7. Alizee

One of the few good things to come out of France.

6. Nicole Scherzinger

The leader of The Pussycat Dolls and the girlfriend of Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton, but don’t hold that against her.

5. Alicia Keys

So sexy we have even forgiven her for the James Bond track. Almost.

4. Christina Milian

Simply stunning.

3. Kylie

Good things come in small packages. They don’t get much finer than Kylie.

2. Cheryl Cole

Famous for beating up toilet attendants, marrying a complete tit and, most importantly, being the sexiest member of Girls Aloud. Which is no mean feat.

1. Beyonce

Possibly the sexiest thing on two legs.

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They may be able to talk the talk – but can they really walk the walk?

Hollywood movies are littered with so-called tough guys. But take away their stunt doubles, green screens and fake guns and what do you have left? Nic Cage? He’s just a lanky streak of piss. Mel Gibson? Give me a break. Mark Wahlberg? Don’t make us laugh. Tom Cruise? Now you really are taking the piss.

Well, hecklerspray has come up with a list of Hollywood actors we think really could mix it with the best of them. These are Hollywood hardmen who really did live up to the name.

Enjoy! And if you have a problem with our choices, we’ll be waiting outside…

25. Kurt Russell

He’s the only Snake we like. In his heyday he could kick your ass with just one eye.

24. Bruce Willis

OK, so maybe we are getting carried away after watching the Die Hard series too many times – but what the hell.

23. Lee Marvin

He would slap you like a bitch.

22. Jason Statham

OK, so he would probably get his arse kicked by someone higher than a blue belt in karate, but we’ll let him off because he’s British and went out with Kelly Brook. What do you mean those are stupid reasons?

21. James Gandolfini

Whatever you do –don’t get on the wrong side of him.

20. David Carradine

Forget the fact the he died dressed as a lady in a cupboard with a string around his penis – he was in Kill Bill! Are you kidding?

19. Charles Bronson

You would have to have had a Death Wish to take on Charles Bronson in his prime.

18. Steve McQueen

There’s menace in those eyes of his – mark our words. It’s also just an excuse to see one of the best movie car chase scenes ever.

17. Chow Yun-Fat

He’s one Fat guy you would not want to tease.

16. Jackie Chan

It’s hard to think of Jackie Chan as a tough guy, but would you pick a fight with him?

15. Jack Bauer

Technically he’s a character and not a real person, so he probably shouldn’t be on this list. But are you going to tell him that?

14. Steven Seagal

Would have appeared higher but for a story we heard about the Divine Ponytail. Apparently, Seagal was always trash-talking Van Damme back in the day. But then one day while in a nightclub Van Damme had enough and offered Seagal out for a fight, which he backed out of. So it’s official – Seagal is not as hard as Van Damme.

13. Vin Diesel

Something tells us he’s all fart and no shit, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

12. Russell Crowe

OK, so he’s a complete knob. But you get the impression he can handle himself pretty well.

11. James Cagney

So he was a dwarf – but he was a streetwise one. You would not want to turn your back on him, that’s for sure.

10. Toshiro Mifune

A World War Two veteran, Toshiro is best known for his collaboration with filmmaker Akira Kurosawa in films such as Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood and Yojimbo. He’s also pretty handy with a sword.

9. Sean Connery

A former bodybuilder who even now at hundred and something could probably kick the crap out of most of the supposed Hollywood tough guys.

8. Clint Eastwood

You really would not want to get on the wrong side of Clint.

7. John Wayne

Embodied everything a Hollywood tough guy should be. Now shut up and drink your milk.

6. Jean Claude Van Damme

Would have been higher but for the fact he’s Belgian. Nobody from Belgium is that hard.

5. Jet Li

One scary bastard.

4. Dolph Lundgren

During the filming of Rocky IV, Dolph  - a former karate champion in his homeland of Sweden – hit Sly so hard he was put in intensive care.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger

OK, so he has become a bit of a joke. But laugh in front of him and it could be hasta la vista baby.

2. Bruce Lee

The greatest icon in martial arts cinema. Just was not quite as hard in real life as Chuck Norris, who had a beard and a hairy chest to prove that. But just for Bruce Lee fans, above is Lee kicking the crap out of a young Chuck Norris. Only in the movies…

1. Chuck Norris

There is nothing on this planet harder than Chuck Norris – it’s a fact. He’s the only man alive that could stage a military coup all on his own. And just to back that up, here are some FACTS about Chuck Norris, courtesy of chucknorrisfacts.com.
1. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
2. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognises the element of surprise.
3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
4. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
5. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
6. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

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It’s almost impossible to genuinely surprise and shock people in movie theatres these days.

We’ve already seen it all. We suspect every member of the cast of being the murderer. We’ve developed strong stomachs after seeing just about every imaginable way an unstoppable maniac with a huge knife can kill horny teenagers. Even most of the sexual taboos have become mainstream and boring by today’s standards.

Anyway, we may feel pretty unshockable now, but here at hecklerspray we wanted to pay homage to the groundbreaking, WTF moments that really had us staring blankly at the screen in disbelief. These clips are comprised of dastardly plot twists, sickening scenes of deaths or mutilation and, well, moments that really had us questioning the director’s sanity. Enjoy. Just beware there are serious spoilers in here.

30. The Thing
Moment: Chest turns into teeth
Anyone see that coming? Nah, neither did we.

29. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
Moment: Jar Jar Binks

Wait, this can’t be Star Wars – it has an extra from The Little Mermaid in it. Why, George Lucas? Why?

28. Se7en
Moment: Sloth man wakes up

Surely, the biggest jump ever. How the hell could he still be alive?

27. The Usual Suspects
Moment: Cripple is Kaiser Soze

He made the whole thing up?? Anyone else watch it all over again?

26. About Schmidt
Moment: Kathy Bates gets naked
Our dicks almost dropped off.

25. Scanners
Moment: Guy’s head explodes

Did his head just explode? One of the most stunning introductions to a movie.

24. Saw
Moment: Jigsaw gets off the ground


Wait! The killer is the body in the room all along? The moment Saw got even better.

23. Misery
Moment: It’s hammer time

Kathy Bates makes sure that her favourite writer will not be going anywhere. And a few people cough up their dinners.

22. I Spit On Your Grave
Moment: Bath time!!

The worst thing about this moment is the sound it makes when she cuts off his manhood in the bath – and the fact he does not even realise what she has done!!

21. Audition
Moment: On a wire

The end scene gave us nightmares for weeks.

20. The Orphanage
Moment: Best advert ever for road safety

This could easily be the creepy kid with the sack on his head, but it’s pipped by the moment the old woman is run over by a car. Her face is something that will haunt us for a long time. In fact it is so bad, We don’t even want to put it on our site.

19. Oldboy
Moment: Cutting off his tongue

It’s a pretty messed-up movie in general, but it was hard to watch as he decides to cut his tongue off.

18. An American Werewolf in London
Moment: Nazi zombie stormtroopers

There was us innocently watching a werewolf film and then suddenly Nazi zombie soldiers storm into his house and slaughter his family. To make it worse, he then wakes up, another one pops up and stabs Jenny Agutter to death.

17. Ichi the Killer
Moment: Ichie is turned on by rape
The hardest thing was narrowing this film down into one moment. Our jaws were wide open throughout out this movie. It’s basically about a guy who is normally timid, but turns into a homicidal maniac with knives in his shoes when he gets angry. Think Incredible Hulk and James Bond meets Halloween. But the moment that probably shocked us to the core is the moment he starts getting aroused by a girl being raped in high school.

16. Irreversible
Moment: Rape scene
One of the most disturbing moments in movie history.

15. Evil Dead
Moment: Tree rape

Wood you believe it!!!!

14. Pink Flamingos
Moment: Eating shit

Again, the whole movie is shocking, but the dog poo eating incident takes the biscuit. The dog biscuit.

13. Empire Strikes Back
Moment: I am your father

Darth Vader is Luke’s dad? Our fragile, infant minds really could not cope.

12. Deliverance
Moment: Squeal like a pig

It could easily have been the deformed kid playing the banjo, but the male rape scene is pretty shocking.

11. Don’t Look Now
Moment: Midget attacks

Donald Sutherland finally corners what he believes is the ghost of his dead daughter, only to realise it’s actually a Venetian midget with a knife. If you think about it, it’s actually more realistic.

10. American History X
Moment: Curb stomping

Nothing on earth could have prepared us for that sound.

9. Psycho
Moment: Mom?
So, his mother is actually dead and the killer is actually Norman himself pretending to be his dead mom. It seems tame by today’s standards, but must have stunned audiences at the time.

8. Un Chien Andalou
Moment: Eye, eye, that’s gotta hurt

Still one of the most shocking and disturbing moments in cinema history. We just can’t look. Neither can she now.

7. Pee Wee Herman’s Big Adventure
Moment: Large Marge

Put us off hitchhiking forever.

6. The Exorcist
Moment: Giving it head

It could easily be the moment with the crucifix, but the head turn just wins because of the sheer stupidity of it. It looks ridiculous, but actually works.

5. Sleepaway Camp
Moment: What the hell is that?

The ending of Sleepaway Camp – a pretty average 80s slasher movie – will live long in the memory. It’s the moment the killer is revealed to be Angela – and, to this day, we have no idea what it is. All we know is that it has genitals and makes a horrible animal noise.

4. Saving Private Ryan
Moment: War’s a beach

So this is what war is actually like. The storming of Omaha beach is truly terrifying.

3. Full Metal Jacket
Moment: Private Pyle goes nuts

OK, it had been building up for a while – but did you really think it would end up like this? Gripping cinema. Just brilliant.

2. The Crying Game
Moment: She’s a dude?
A girl with meat and two veg??

1. Alien
Moment: Alien pops out

Chest incredible.

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We may hate to admit it, but when it comes to movies, we’re all war-mongering bastards.

War may be good for nothing – but it certainly spices up a film. How else can you explain how we found it so difficult to cut this down these down to just 15? It was really, really hard. There are so many good battle scenes in films, it’s almost inevitable we’ll have missed a few out.

So to make it easier, we restricted it to just land battles, although spaceships, helicopters and planes are also included in the scenes. Air, space and sea battles will follow. Enjoy!

15. Battle of Klendathu
Film: Starship Troopers (1997)

OK, so it’s more of a massacre than a battle as 100,000 troops realise the hard way that these bugs are a little harder to squish. Cue limbs flying off, decapitations and general panic. Brilliant!!

14. Battle of Waterloo
Film: Waterloo (1971)

A stunning re-enactment of Napoleon’s final battle. Sergei Bondarchuk’s film is one of the greatest war movies of all time.

13. Battle of Stirling
Film: Braveheart (1995)

OK, this scene is so good we were forced to overlook three facts that should really have disbarred it from being on this list. Firstly, the entire film is a load of bollocks. Secondly, it’s directed by Mel Gibson. And thirdly, most of us at hecklerspray are English.

12. Battle of Rourke’s Drift
Film: Zulu (1964)

“Zulus sir, thousands of them.” He wasn’t kidding either, as 100 British soldiers somehow hold out against 4,000 terrifying Zulus. Michael Caine talking posh is also hilarious.

11. Battle of Stalingrad
Film: Enemy at the Gates (2001)

OK, the rest of the film is a pile of shit, but this scene is simply incredible. If Jude Law had got one in  the face, this would have been number one.

10. Battle of Pelennor Fields
Film: Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King (2003)

Would have been higher but for the fact that, like the film itself, it goes on a bit and that the final army of the dead part is just a cop out.

9. Assault on Fort Wagner
Film: Glory (1989)

This scene is so good we were almost proud to be American – even though we’re not. Does that make any sense? Probably not! Surely, the best American Civil War film to date.

8. Battle of Helm’s Deep
Film: The Lord of the Rings – The Town Towers (2002)

But for Orlando Bloom surfing down the stairs, this could have been a contender for one of the top spots.  It isn’t the first time Bloom has ruined a scene and it won’t be the last.

7. Battle of Silarus River
Film: Spartacus (1960)

Kirk Douglas‘ slave revolt all ends in tears in this gripping scene.

6. Battle of Hoth
Film: Empire Strikes Back (1980)

One of the finest moments in the series, as Luke et al are forced to beat a hasty retreat by some nasty ATs-ATs.

5. Battle in Germania
Film: Gladiator (2000)

The only bad about this superb opening scene is that we’re forced to watch the rest of the film in the knowledge the best bit has already happened.

4. Helicopter Attack
Film: Apocalypse Now (1979)

OK, once again this is more of a massacre than a battle, but the attack on the Vietnamese village to the strains of Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries is hard to miss out.

3. Battle of Arnhem (parachute jump)
Film: A Bridge Too Far (1977)

The shot of thousands of doomed Allied soldiers parachuting down behind enemy lines is almost as impressive as the amount of stars Richard Attenborough managed to assemble for this superb war film. Imagine the egos he had to deal with.

2. All of the battle scenes in Ran
Ran (1985)

Want to get schoolchildren interested in Shakespeare? Just show them Akira Kurosawa’s brilliant adaptation of King Lear.

1.    Omaha Beach landing
Film: Saving Private Ryan (1998)

The first 30 minutes is the closest we ever want to get to real combat. Really scary stuff!

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Grab your magic wands and swords – let’s hear it for the hottest fantasy film babes.

In our latest excuse to trawl the internet looking for pictures of sexy women, we have decided to focus our attentions on the strange world of fantasy.

Now, admittedly, this could be misinterpreted as an excuse to scour the net for porn.  Type in the words ‘fantasy film’ or ‘fantasy babes’ into your search engine of choice and you certainly get some interesting responses. But you’ll be delighted to know we stayed professional throughout, kept our greedy eyes off the one ring and stuck rigidly to our magical quest.

After all, this was more ‘dwarf’ than ‘dwarf porn’. However, it did raise an important issue: what exactly is a fantasy movie? Well, it’s actually a very difficult question to answer. We all kind of know what a fantasy film is, but we all add different movies into the equation.

For example: our superhero movies considered fantasy? Would you add horror movies? What about Star Wars? Anyway, to try and help us with our task we looked up several definitions. The best we could come up with was this:

‘Fantasy films are films with fantastic themes, usually involving magic, supernatural events, make-believe creatures, or exotic fantasy worlds. The genre is considered to be distinct from science fiction film and horror film, although the genres do overlap.’

But even this seemed a bit vague. So we decided to come up with our own rules, which basically meant we ditched horror and superhero movies, and let you argue among yourselves over the results.

For example, we decided Star Trek was science fiction, while Star Wars was more fantasy – for no reason whatsoever.

Oh, and no anime or cartoons. These are our rules, OK?

Anyway, enjoy!

25. Cherie Lunghi (Guenevere)
Movie: Excalibur

A must-see film – and not just because Cherie Lunghi and Helen Mirren get undressed.

24. Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts)
Movie: King Kong

Beauty killed the beast, but she at least kept us awake through the first hour and half of the movie.

23. Kira (Olivia Newton-John)
Movie: Xanadu

OK, the boss asked us to put this in. He has a thing for Olivia.

22. Jessica (Jenny Agutter)
Movie: Logan’s Run

You have to love Jenny Agutter. She loses her clothes more times than Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton combined.

21. Princess Lyssa (Lysette Anthony)
Movie: Krull

Krull was a terrible film, but Lysette gave a stand out performance.

20. Winona Ryder (Kim)
Movie: Edward Scissorhands
Everyone’s favourite cleptomaniac.

19. Andromeda (Judi Bowker)
Movie: Clash of the Titans

Did she do anything else?

18. Sorsha (Joanne Whalley)
Movie: Willow

Brit actress was one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood at one point – then she married Val Kilmer. What a Whalley.

17. Carmen Ibanez (Denise Richards)
Movie: Starship Troopers

16. River (Summer Glau)
Movie: Serenity

Whether it’s playing some kind of killing machine in Serenity or as a, err, killing machine in the Terminator series, Summer is a ray of sunshine.

15. Morena Baccarin
Movie: Serenity

One of the most attractive space whores ever.

14. Leeloo (Milla Jovovich)
Movie: The Fifth Element

It’s Milla time!

13. Maj. Eden Sinclair (Rhona Mitra)
Movie: Doomsday

The sexy British actress was the original Lara Croft model – need we say more?

12. Trinity (Carrie Ann-Moss)
Movie: Matrix trilogy

11. Princess Farah (Jane Seymour)
Movie: Sinbad and the Eye Of The Tiger

Jane Seymour about to get ravaged by a one-eyed monster.

10. Arwen (Liv Tyler)
Movies: Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Pointy ears or not – Liv is stunning.

9. Loana (Raquel Welch)
Movie: One Million Years BC

Welch’s blonde cavewoman certainly gave us the bone.

8. Gail (Rosario Dawson)
Movie: Sin City

Sin in the city with Rosario Dawson? Hell yeah!

6. Padme (Natalie Portman)
Movies: Star Wars prequels

OK, the films were pants, but at least we had something to look at apart from that abortion Jar Jar.

5. Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)
Movie: 300

She really does rule.

4. Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox)
Movie: Transformers

What a fox.

3. Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)
Movies: Star Wars trilogy

Gold bikini. Don’t think we need to add anything more.

2. Barbarella (Jane Fonda)
Movie: Barbarella

How good is that pic?

1. Jessica Alba
Movie: Sin City

A clear winner.

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You would think the movie-going public had something against horny teenage girls.

Why else would slasher movies – which basically revel in killing them off – be so popular? We just can’t get enough of them. Mind you, it’s not only the cheerleader types that usually end up in body bags. There’s the jocks, of course. Then the nerds. Leaving the weird loner types to usually save the day.

We are sure this has some kind of social significance and insight into Western culture, but we are a snarky entertainment site, for God’s sake. We are not here to educate.

No, what we are here to do is make completely random lists. And we cannot think of a better one than the top 26 slasher movies. But what exactly is a slasher movie?

Well, according to Wikipedia, that well-known source of all things accurate, a slasher movie is: ‘a  sub-genre of horror, typically involving a psychopathic killer (usually wearing a mask) who stalks and graphically murders a series of mostly adolescent victims in a typically random, unprovoked fashion, killing many within a single night.’

And that is just about good enough for us. So, enjoy!

26. The Prowler (1981)

The best movie ever about a killer dressed in S&M gear who hates dancers. Or something like that.

25. Stagefright (1987)

Acting can be murder sometimes. Just ask Keanu Reeves.

24. Hatchet (2007)

A recent movie that did not get the hype it deserved. Has some of the most astonishing movie deaths we have ever seen.

23. Psycho (1960)

OK, so it does not involve teenagers in a camp, but it is certainly a slasher movie.

22. Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

Proof kebabs really are bad for you.

21. Last House on The Left (1972)

A classic from horror master Wes Craven. Contains some of the disturbed scenes ever committed to film.

20. Candyman (1992)

Oh, and candy can also be very bad for you too.

19. Pieces (1982)

Grisly little-known horror flick that is worth a look. Just be prepared to feel a little sick.

18. House On Sorority Row (1983)

A group of sorority sisters are stalked and murdered one by one in their sorority house while throwing a party to celebrate their graduation. Nice.

17. Madman (1981)

After being told if not to repeat the name of the local psycho as it would mean he would appear and hack all of you to bits, what would you do?

16. Terror Train (1980)

Forget the rubbish remake, Terror Train is classic horror. A must-see.

15. Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

14. Black Christmas (1974)

We’ve all had crap Christmases, but it could be worse…

13. Final Destination (2000)

See, making death (or the grim reaper) the baddie, really is not fair.

12. The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

Proof remakes, when done well, really can work.

11. April Fool’s Day (1986)

Some people really take the whole April Fool’s Day thing a little too far.

10. Suspiria (1977)

Horror legend Dario Argento’s greatest movie.

9. Child’s Play (1988)

We were tempted to put Bride of Chucky in, but stuck with the original.

8. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Buffy, Jennifer Love Hewitt and the fisherman from death – now that really is enough to get you hooked.

7. My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Rated by Quentin Tarantino as the ‘greatest slasher movie of all time’. What does he know about movies?

6. The Burning (1981)

We don’t care what anyone says – this is a brilliant movie. So there.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Really uncomfortable viewing – which is usually a good sign of a decent horror flick.

4. Scream (1996)

Breathed new life into the slasher movie genre.

3. Nightmare on Elm Street: Part 1 (1984)

We just can’t get enough of child murderers.

2. Friday 13th: Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

The best in the series.

1. Halloween (1978)

Simply the best.

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Why do we love vampire movies so much?

Vampires are essentially pale, scary-looking monsters who dress in black and drain the life-force out of anyone who crosses their path. Maybe Hollywood should make a movie about emo lawyers or tax inspectors. Should go down a scream at the box office.

Anyway, the point is we love vampires. Can’t get enough of them.

They can be sexy (Queen of the Damned, Twilight, From Dusk Till Dawn), funny (Lost Boys, Fearless Vampire Killers), scary (Nosferatu) and, of course, plain ridiculous (that’ll be Twilight again, Blacula, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter).

But which vampire film has the most bite? Well, taking into account that Twilight 2 has got teenage girls all around the world frothing at the mouth, we have decided to come up with some real vampire movies worth seeing.

Enjoy!

26. The Night Stalker (1972)

Otherwise known as a ‘Vampire in Vegas’. Yes, Vegas. It’s good, honest.

25. Blood for Dracula (1974)

Dracula finds out it can be a real bitch trying to locate a virgin in Italy.

24. The Hunger (1983)

OK, so old vinegar tits Susan Sarandon is in it, but vampires and sex is a winning combination.

23. Dracula (1931)

A classic.

22. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Film is good enough for you to forget about how appalling Keanu Reeves is in it. Just about.

21. Vampyros Lesbos (1971)

Yet more lesbians and vampires – genius.

20. Blacula (1972)

The best film about an African prince who is turned into a vampire after being cursed by Dracula….ever.

19. The Fearless Vampire Killers (1967)

Not exactly Roman Polanski’s finest work, but entertaining nonetheless.

18. Mr Vampire (1985)

A Chinese horror movie that is simply brilliant fun. If you have never seen it, get it out now.

17. Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)

A modern reworking of a classic that surprisingly does not suck.

16. Salem’s Lot (1979)

Creepy as hell film which made you think twice about opening your window to your floating, dead brother.

15. Underworld (2003)

A leather-clad Kate Beckinsale soon makes you forget about the ridiculous plot and script.

14. Cronos (1993)

Guillermo Del Toro shows his class.

13. Black Sunday (1960)

We hate Sundays too. So boring.

12. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

There are three very good reasons it belongs on this list: Salma Hayek, Salma Hayek and Salma Hayek. Plus it’s a very good excuse to show the clip again.

11. Horror of Dracula (1958)

Christopher Lee’s finest performance as Dracula.

10. Day Watch (2006)

Slightly superior second chapter of Russian director Timur Bekmambetov’s unique tale of the battle between good and evil.

9. Brides of Dracula (1960)

Marriage can be a real bitch.

8. Shadow of the Vampire (2000)

Unmissable film about the making of the 1922 vampire classic Nosferatu. Of course, it turns out the main actor in it is actually a vampire. The last time that happened in real life was when Reese Witherspoon appeared in Sweet Home Alabama.

7. Interview With The Vampire (1994)

Even Tom Cruise is good.

6. Nosferatu (1922)

A classic film, upon which every single vampire film must be judged.

5. Blade (1998)

The opening scene alone is worthy of a top five place.

4. Martin (1977)

Admittedly, it sounds more like a movie about an accountant, but it is brilliant….honest!

3. The Lost Boys (1987)

Whatever happened to Corey Haim? So many good lines, but our pick is: “You’re a dirty, rotten vampire Mike. Just wait till I tell mom.”

2. Near Dark (1987)

Almost the entire cast of Aliens makes Near Dark a must-see for any horror movie fan. Simply brilliant.

1. Let the Right One In (2008)

Best movie we have seen for at least a year.

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