It takes a special skill to turn a movie about 150 foot killer squids from space walking the Earth so bum-numbingly dull.
But rookie director Gareth Edwards somehow manages it. It's hard to believe it's possible, but Monsters is quite simply a monstrous bore.
Why? Because this is not a monster movie at all – it’s far scarier than that. It’s a movie with a monster message.
There’s no point spoiling what the message is, but put it this way, the creatures are in Mexico after a probe carrying samples from Jupiter?s moon Europa crashes and they are kept out of the USA by a large wall. Okay? There’s a message that can be relayed though –
Oi! Edwards! Never make a film again.
Take some photos of pretty forests and rivers, because that is clearly all you can and want to do.
Your message is not thought-provoking, it’s bone jarringly obvious at best.
In fact, ‘bone-jarring’ makes it sound interesting – and this movie is anything but interesting.
It's not even a new approach. Most of the shots and set pieces borrow heavily from certain other monster blockbusters.
The only time you’ll find your mouth agape is when you start drooling on yourself. And you better believe that ruining your clothes with spittle is preferable to the gnawing of your knuckles down to the bone.
And this is something that should never happen in a monster movie. Monsters are inherently fascinating. To make them boring is taking monsters to a whole new level: the basement.
Now, before you start, it is not the crappy effects (even though they are super crappy), but rather, the whole thing is just so insultingly dull.
It would have been made more convincing if the aliens were made with a pair of marigolds, some felt tips and a strategically-placed torch.
(Why the film?s creators thought being chased around the Mexican countryside by a giant Squiddly Diddly was ever going to be good, we’ll never know).
That said, some of the best horror films have awful effects, so we should be prepared to give it a go.
And sure, this was a very low budget movie, and that, we know darn well that a lack of budget meant the number of monster shots would be low. Not a problem – just as long as you have something else to fill the gap and build the tension.
But Monsters instead fills the yawning gaps with some of the most tortuous dialogue you’ll ever hear.
Seriously, two of the giant squids making fart noises with their many armpits would have offered more meaningful exchanges.
Instead, we have to put up with the really unlikeable pair of US photo journalist Andrew Kauder (Scoot McNairy) and shaken American tourist Sam Wynden (Whitney Able) making eyes at each other as they try to make their way through the Infected Zone in one piece.
It's not even proper dialogue, more a series of increasingly stupid questions.
So by the end you are actually praying for a monster to smash his huge tentacle through their pathetic blossoming relationship.
Anything to end the boredom.
pinkieatb says
Nah, you’re just disappointed because you were expecting a movie about killer squid. You obviously skipped the words ‘subtle’ and ‘six years after squid attack’ in the synopsis :) I enjoyed it – maybe because by the time I watched it I’d had several days of zombies and killer monsters to feed on, but probably mostly because unlike most big budget Hollywood movies, it isn’t over controlled and sterilised, with every last detail planned in advance and planted for a specific purpose. So yeah, you get some floating down rivers… It’s a getting-back-home road movie. That’s life. About the new approach, er – doh. Show me a blockbuster monster movie that doesn’t borrow from anyone. No, really, go on.
David Schwartz says
Thanks for that pinkieatb, but I think they missed the point monster movie. It was just a really dull film, with bad acting and an even worse script.
Essa Pzenachurian says
I can’t say that your review is dull. It’s not. It is actually quite entertaining. But I fear it says much more about David Schwartz than it does about the movie I saw. But isn’t that a kind of tedium when, to be amusing, you are obliged to denigrate? I guess that is the nature of your rather mediocre column. However, to take seriously your advice to a talented first time director (“Never make a film again!”) would be plainly ludicrous.
So Gareth, if you are reading this, your storyline had a couple of flaws but I found the totality engrossing. I hope you keep going. Your style of guerilla filmmaking will necessarily have a future.