Ups and downs.

Folded:

• Double firing (Alan Sugar gets turned on and impotently angry at Jim, so sacks Ellie and Vincent to satisfy himself)
• Bridesmaids – out 22nd June (watching a women in a wedding dress suffer diarrhoea is funny. No, it really is)
• Kristen Wiig (see above. Ironic considering the title of the movie, but she is marriage material)
• Brandy Alexander (you’ll look a pleb ordering this in Wetherspoons, so find somewhere without sticky floors and enjoy it in the corner)
• Stuntman Vic Armstrong has written a book about how great he is (scroll down to the Telly Savalas joke. It’s soooooo good)

Creased:

• Britain’s Got Talent conspiracy theory (oh, it’s been taken down. Shame it was REALLY juicy stuff)
• Jeff Conaway RIP (Kenickie has given his last hickey)
• Just say no (unless you want to be an extra in a zombie movie)
• Sweary chocolate bars (if these were funny they’d be in the other section. They’re not)
• Olly Murs (soon to be messing all over your Saturday nights in a straw trilby)

T-shirts and vests.

Folded:

• Every retro bush edition of Playboy available on iPad (finally a reason to buy the stupid thing: to wank in public)
• A massive archive of cool film posters (should that interest you in the slightest)
• Give to this (Rufus Hound makes sense. For once)
• 11 Twitter tools you didn’t know about (though if these excite too much you should probably get out more)
• Ikea show you how to make a lightsaber (cute touch having Obi and Yoda in blue. Aw)

Creased:

• KFC ‘So Good’ advert (if the food doesn’t make you sick, this will)
• Pet care for after the ‘Rapture’ (money well spent then)
• Penis ‘pejazzling’ (that’s right, we said penis)
• Cheryl Cole (it wasn’t the accent, love, it was the cankles)
• Green With Envy (awful looking romantic comedy becomes… awful looking Muppet movie!)

This week’s successes and soul crushing failures.

Folded:

• Delayed students at airport make human bicycle (beats standing in WH Smith’s reading FHM)
• Why we love Last Exit to Nowhere t-shirts, Star Wars and beverages (this and this now please)
• Kids won’t sleep? (tell them where to go)
• All the clips of McBain add up to a full movie! (make this, The Simpsons, make it now!)
• Roseanne Barr (Google her, young people) on the sitcom making experience (brutally honest and fascinating article)

Creased:

• Ken Clarke (pillock or seriously massive pillock?)
• Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (it’ll probably be cheaper to waste your money on this when it gets to DVD)
• Moving house? (why we won’t help. You lazy wretch)
• Schwarzenegger all the way (all over town, apparently)
• Man tries to take pony on train. Fails (can’t really blame him for trying. It looked like a quiet day)

Dinner and tea.

Folded:

• This clip of Drive starring Ryan Gosling (not out until September and already we want to watch it yesterday. Best get to Cannes then)
• Talking dog (the old ones still work. Guaranteed to cheer you up)
• Zombie proof house (fun idea. Pity whoever made it is clearly mental)
• Cute cursor (even better when you go outside the window)
• Hollywood families: the stars and the strange ones (diverting)

Creased:

• Sitting down will kill you (everyone in the hecklerspray bedsit is the walking dead)
• The Orange ‘Rio’ advert (surely the worst one they’ve ever done? Makes you want to leave before the film’s started)
• TK Maxx’s ‘buyer’ ad (all about the nice lady who purchases those Penguin polos and Tipp-Ex covered Evisu jeans you see cluttering up Yates’ on a Saturday afternoon)
• Twitpic (‘ambiguity’ – the legal term of the moment)
• Long movies (cinemas are cold and make us want to pee)

Tina Turner and Ike Turner.

Folded:

• The Apprentice starts next week! (finally something we can all have an opinion on that doesn’t involve a dead terrorist, royal knees-up or election no-one will bother to vote in)
• Mount Gay rum (Bond orders it in Casino Royale so it must be all right)
• House of Love (go Harry, you big fluffy ginger)
• The summer’s big movie posters: honest versions (everyone can use Photoshop, but not as amusingly as this)
• ‘Bin Bagged’ (trust The Sun to nail it)

Creased:

• Doctor Who (the long honeymoon is over. We’ve gone off this now)
• The Little Mermaid came out closer to the moon landing than the present day (we got really old suddenly, didn’t we?)
• Way to make a martyr (and people thought gathering in the streets for a royal wedding was stupid)
• Robert Pattinson in Water for Elephants (spends the whole film looking as though he’s going to vomit)
• Check the last paragraph of the story – light cloud cover might actually stop people voting (we’re pathetic sometimes)

This week’s Kate and Willy.

Folded:

• Sex quiz (worth taking, if just to stretch the comedy penis. Oucher!)
• Two bank holidays in a row! (gawd bless us all)
• The Suspicions of Mr Whicher (something period on ITV without John Suchet? They’ll be bringing a decent Marvel comic book movie out in cinemas next)
• Thor (and to think every single one of us thought it was going to be Branagh flavoured pig swill)
• Bunting (not always ironic. See how far you can push your neighbours)

Creased:

• Royal wedding bedding (oh, the fun you’d have)
• Stella Artois Cidre (looks a bit like beer, tastes like every other mass produced cider on the market)
• The annoying sounds of Jesse J (can you believe how many there are?)
• Trailer for Harry Potter 10 Part Deux (makes you think about giving Twilight a go)
• Playstation network (bet the head office looks kinda like this about now)

Grapes and wrath.

Folded:

• Our on-the-verge-of-being-commited editor making a special cocktail – and himself sick (all in aid of chasing the coin. More fun than you might think)
• Nicolas Cage is basically his character in Bad Lutienent all the time now (method man)
• Drum kit jeans (Yeah, well what have you done with your life?)
• Why we love comic book nerds (and Stan Lee probably doesn’t)
• Movie gifs so good you’ll shake (simple idea executed with big fat genius)

Creased:

• Easter (congratulations, you can eat chocolate like every other day of your life)
• Director Bryan Singer at long last defends Superman Returns (poorly)
• Fern (hair of 80’s, show of flogged dead horse)
• The world ended on 19th April (didn’t you notice?)
• Hideous royal pizza (only another week of this tat)

Life’s ups and downs.

Folded:

• That Can Be My Next Tweet (you will spend ten solid minutes on this website)
• Lovefilm streaming (they’re not paying us – they really should be – but Lovefilm’s streaming online thing is much better than that post-a-disc nonsense. So 2006)
• Only five grand to make an aquarium you can swim in?! (we’re cutting staff wages to get one in the hecklerspray bedsit)
• DVD vs VHS (now we just need one for DVD vs Blu-ray)
• Naked women (popular in the art world. Who knew? Why has no-one thought of this before?!)

Creased:

• William and Kate: THE MOVIE (the most galling line is ‘they met by chance’)
• Le Vetiver (don’t buy this, you’ll smell like Germoline. It’s sixty quid too)
• Campus (It’s no Green Wing. Even Green Wing wasn’t that Green Wing at times. Sorry, we lost ourselves there)
• Vacation, Vacation, Vacation (ok, how good would ‘Probation, Probation, Probation‘ be?)
• Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailer (promising looking origin idea ruined, typically these days, by James Franco. Even if this is all right, the cack bits will be his fault)

This week’s love and shame.

Folded:

• ‘Teen Girl Mode’ (look in the top right corner. We should have this)
• Everybody loves a fat arm making them look naked (solution: only have thin friends)
• Source Code (better if it was about the recipe for HP, yet still worth your carefully earned cinema dollars)
• Pensioners (the wonderful things they achieve)
• These rings from Japan (not practical, but just don’t go anywhere)

Creased:

• Bacardi pre-mixed Pina Colada (how can this possibly be a good thing?)
• Kitchen congregators at parties (all those seats in the lounge and you have to stand in the second smallest room not using coasters)
• Is Russell Howard cross-eyed or what? (no-one really seems to know. Not that it matters. Not that much anyway)
• Friday Night Dinner (good theme tune, but why on earth is this remarkably average comedy so popular?)
• “Hey, it’s Chris Brown!” (does he carry sweets around with him or something?)

We likey and no lighty.

Folded:

• Wonga voice choir (love how weird these ads are getting)
• Changing James’ face (just read the comments)
• Cold sunny days (like the best thing ever. Spring, you’re a winner at seasons)
• Train tweeting (stuff how boring it is for your followers, go ahead and complain about the delayed timetable and sandwiches made of Plasticine. It’ll shave valuable seconds off your journey between naps)
• McDonalds’ Monopoly game (why is this fun? Stickers. Stickers are always fun)

Creased:

• Ray Barone (how did anyone ever build a sitcom around this utter moron?)
• Vintage LCD games to play on your desktop (after that you can watch a scratchy VHS and reminisce about when Wham bars were bigger)
• Whoops (oh dear)
• The return of the 3 day week (BBC have website troubles)
• They’re making a big screen version of The Professionals (seems attempting to murder the kitsch memory of the show by remaking the TV series was not enough. Expect Statham to be on board, driving a Prius)

The fun and the fail for this week.

Folded:

• DontEvenReply.com (there’s funny and there’s this. Sublime – you’ll choke with laughter)
• Twenty Twelve (best new comedy of the year and nobody will see the thing because it’s on BBC4 and you all watch ITV2)
• Mumps (our destitute editor not only wears retro tees, he also has retro diseases. Class act)
• National Cleavage Day on 26th March (yes, very fat men can be a part of it too)
• Kidz by Take That (less rubbish than usual is now good enough to be good)

Creased:

• RIP the very, very beautiful Elizabeth Taylor (doing far too many damn RIPs in this column at the moment)
• Comic Relief (all in a good cause, sure, but this year was the weakest in the show’s history)
• Lucy Cavendish = silly, ignorant journo (according to her diatribe on Daybreak, children just ‘splash a bit of paint around’ at school. Or maybe that’s all your kids can manage, Lucy?)
• WordPress (if you use this you’ll understand why we hate it so much)
• Grassington (who on earth would want to live in a village full of bigots?)

Craic and crack.

Folded:

• This will be the best game EVER (notice the capitalisation? That’s confidence only arrogance can buy)
• Lily Allen: From Riches to Rags (genuine girl with some spare cash and a dream? Our very own Matthew Laidlow thinks so and he’s got a beard)
• This classic poster (so moving you might cry)
• The Happening on TV this weekend! (“I’m talking to a plastic plant”)
• Watching Top Gear from 2006 on Dave (Richard Hammond had promise back then. He also had reasonable hair)

Creased:

• RIP Nate Dogg (The next stop..?)
• Lily Allen: From Riches to Rags (… or genuine pain in the neck with too much money and a few spare months to fill?)
• The definition of ‘fail’ (it just had to be the Irish Times)
• Brian Cox (looks like a girl. Not jealous at all, but we prefer the one that tried to kill Jason Bourne)
• Steve Jobs and Bill Gates agree on something (that they’re still buttheads)

Your friends and your enemies.

Folded:

• Movie posters gone all digital paintingy (so cool that even The Assassination of Jesse James looks exciting)
• Pancake Day (what do you mean, what’s it for? Eating. D’you need another reason?)
• Heston Blumenthal makes decent food for British Airways (if you fly First Class all the time this show was quite exciting. We travel everywhere via lifts from strangers so it didn’t really affect us)
• Famous Objects From Classic Movies (as quiz titles go, it’s not great. But it is fun)
• Ellie Goulding (thanks to the power of the collaboration, surprisingly not bad at all these days)

Creased:

• International Women’s Day (just add a pat on the head and you have the most patronising day ever)
• Those cringeworthy John Cleese AA ads (finger in the eye aggravating. How the mighty have fallen)
• #winning (not so much now though)
• Blue featuring Lee Ryan unveil their Eurovision track (or should that be Eurovision ‘cack’? Eh? EH?!
• Hydrobob (personal submarine? Great idea. Pity it looks like an underwater mobility scooter)

Eyes up and eyes down.

Folded:

• Wasabi (atop dried peas, crisps, anything you can snack on instead of eating a proper meal – this stuff is great)
• Trailer number two for Arthur (unexpectedly this could be movie that lets Russell Brand walk the streets without fear of being egged)
• … And even better, this redband trailer for I Saw The Devil (if you like Oldboy, you are gonna looooooove this)
• Charlie Sheen is on the Twitter (stupid PR gimmick that we can’t help buying into)
• The world’s first full length robot marathon (we love this world sometimes)

Creased:

• RIP Jane Russell (what a woman, though)
• Richard Hammond (it’s been a good couple of weeks since the ‘Mexican incident’, but he’s still a first class pleb)
• The 83rd Academy Awards (James Franco can’t take all the blame, though he can take some. A lot. Most)
• Jamie’s Dream School (Jamie Oliver is the new Michael Jackson)
• 50 mile an hour limits on motorways (don’t want to get too Top Gear, but these things are enough to send you to sleep. We often do and end up ploughing into workmen eating sandwiches)

This week’s filthy likes and dislikes.

Folded:

• Scott Mills (annoying as you like on the radio, but fair play to him for making that difficult The World’s Worst Place to Be Gay? programme. Slapped repeatedly with a chicken for goodness sake)
• National Express’ profits are up nearly 40% (great news for them, though undoubtedly means we are all too poor and undignified to get the train)
• Colin Firth not winning Best Actor at the Academy Awards (c’mon let’s get behind this idea and see if the world really does end)
• Born This Way by Lady Gaga (yes it sounds like Express Yourself and yes we don’t care)
• The Social Network, out this week on DVD (populated entirely by characters you won’t give a stuff about. Still worth borrowing a copy off your mate)

Creased:

• That new Radiohead Album, The King of something or other (one step forward, two steps back)
• Jesse J (looks a bit like Katy Perry, sounds a bit bus stop)
• Talking to celebrities (what would you say to someone in the biz you actually admire if you met them? Exactly, your question is pants and/or offensive. He/she has now left and you’ve been escorted from the building)
• Martin Sheen on BBC’s The One Show (seemingly confused but still ace Hollywood megastar meets the very worst UK TV has to offer. Proud)
• Virgin Media’s ‘A More Exciting Place to Live’ advert (so painfully up its own passage that BT almost seems like a better option)