The good and not so good.

Folded:

• The Road (not out in the UK until next year, but here is an early review because we can)
• Also coming next year: a game with hats (about time)
• Busting X Factor (vote for Jedward. They’ll win and the whole show will implode)
• Speeding (you might be able to. You are a doctor, right?)
• Emmanuelle Chriqui (hotter than Megan Fox, mainly because, unlike Fox, she doesn’t wear more make-up than your mother)

Creased:

• The singing guy who rips our ears out before, during and after every episode of Scrubs on E4 (we’re not the only ones)
• Jordan’s face (was never normal, but now she looks like Peter Weller, minus helmet, in Robocop)
• Remember Indy surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a fridge? Want to recreate that mess in your bedroom for $175? (Here you go)
• The airport level in Modern Warfare 2 (Brooker has written about it and, as usual, he’s spot on)
• Rain (damn it, give us a rest will you?!)

Digestives and Rich Teas.

Folded:

• Modern Warfare 2: Price War (the supermarket battle royale)
• Salt (reads kinda cack; looks kinda Bourne)
• Planes, Trains and Automobiles (revisit this classic, particularly the sweary rental car bit, and understand why Steve Martin is going to make a hilarious host at next year’s Oscar’s)
• Dark nights (cosy…or cold, lonely and miserable. We’re going with cosy)
• The Greggs (time to reconsider that application form maybe?)

Creased:

• Queuing at midnight to buy Modern Warfare 2 (never has Shaun of the Dead been so vividly recreated in reality. Best to head home, we-thinks)
• “Too much of anything can you make you sick” (thank you, Cheryl, you finally get it)
• Spiced apple everything (candles, biscuits, shower gel, beer – you can tell it’s six weeks to Christmas)
• Dark mornings (when you need a light to find the bedroom door you know you should still be in bed)
• Ragging on Gordon Brown (okay so the guy made a mistake – several – but The Sun and co are being harsher than a bristle brush swab)

Cool uncle and embarrassing aunt.

Folded:

• The Chase from Midnight Express – Club Version (very Berlin. Then again you could remix Giorgio Moroder’s alarm clock and make a decent track)
• Films on the telly (why are they always more fun than putting on a DVD?)
• Be miserable (doctor’s orders)
• Donut Drake in Uncharted 2 (such a laugh climbing on the wrecked train and the pipes break)
• New Avatar trailer (we can stop sweating, this actually looks pretty good now)

Creased:

• Prince of Persia movie trailer (they’re thinking Pirates; they’re getting Hercules)
• Fireworks… (do THIS. Not nice)
• 50 Cent (officially plastic)
• Greg James (the worst DJ Radio One has ever employed. And that’s saying something)
• Hackers (why do they get such a cool nickname? Let’s call them bottom feeding pissants instead)

Right and wrong.

Folded:

• Flashback by Calvin Harris (the definition of a ditty. Annoy yourself for liking it)
• Halloween: Vampires (only really frightening if you fear teenagers)
• Burger King ‘Tub Burger’ (or ‘Windows 7’ according to the PR. Looks delicious)
• Zombieland (shouldn’t be compared to Shaun of the Dead, but it will be. Plus, whisper it, it might be funnier too)
• Give in to Twitter (join late; you’ll be glad you did. What with this and Facebook, and even MySpace if you’re really bored, you need never work again)

Creased:

• Pork Pie hat (don’t be tempted. Trust us, you can’t wear one. Only Popeye Doyle can)
• TJ Hooker (Shatner as a police PT instructor? Even his stuntman doesn’t look credible)
• Fight For This Love by Cheryl Cole (Cole as Natasha Bedingfield, only blander. That’s right, blander)
• Halloween: Clowns (what do you mean they’re not scary? Pennywise? Tim Curry? TIM CURRY!)
• Quest (Dave for explorers)

Star Wars and Clone Wars.

Folded:

• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!)
• Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet)
• A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?)
• The kid in THIS PRAM (…will have the best story to tell when he gets older. Pity he won’t remember any of it)
• Awkwardfamilyphotos.com (very funny, so long as you don’t see yourself on there)

Creased:

• Life after Uncharted 2 (too upsetting to think about. Alcoholism maybe?)
• The Twilight Saga: New Moon (is anyone over sixteen actually excited about this?)
• JD’s Don Johnson stubble on Scrubs (possibly he’s shaved it off by now. Still though, very late eighties)
• Leave it to Lamas (can you believe this guy was in Grease?! Scrap that, he was Renegade!)
• Lindsay Lohan (what has she done to herself now?)

This week’s uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Clothes on Film (cool site about clothes in movies. Goodness the editor is handsome)
• Edge of Darkness (Gibbo’s back like it’s 1995)
• David Lean in Close-Up with Jonathan Ross (BBC4, the only reason we pay a licence fee)
• Champagne price drop: pour it on your cereal (by Christmas a bottle of Moët will cost £15, or thereabouts. Possibly)
• Damien Hirst’s return to painting (critics say rubbish, so who cares what we think? It will irritate the hell out of people and that’s good enough for us)

Creased:

• PlayTV (you lose Freeview channels and the crappy PS3 remote can’t adjust volume on your telly. Nice menus though)
• Leona Lewis getting a slap (okay she’s annoying, but if that’s all the justification we need why didn’t someone just bat Lindsay Lohan or Peaches Geldof instead?)
• White Lies by Mr Hudson (this is why the Rusko remix works so well, because the original is downright dull)
• Robbie Williams on X Factor (pop stars singing live always sound cack, but blimey Robbie, it’s not like they put you on the spot)
• Star Wars The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes (far worse than you’ve read. Even worse than the film in fact)

Can and can’t do attitude.

Folded:

• Rito a Los Angeles by Giuseppe De Luca (featured near the end of Ocean’s Twelve all those years ago. You’ll want to rob someone in a ridiculously stylised way when you hear it. Or maybe just buy the record. Buy the record, that’s best)
• National Lampoon’s reboot (no, no, this is a terrible idea, but Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo are slated to appear and that’s movie news of the year)
• ‘Holiday Roa oa oa oa oa oa oa oa oa oad!’ (on Five this week and last. See above)
• Gamer (if you didn’t like Crank you won’t like this, but if you did you will. Savvy?)
• Glee (not been cancelled yet so you may as well get on board)

Creased:

• Hotmail (changed your password yet? Better check somebody hasn’t already done it for you)
• ‘Why’s it dark all the time?’ (because it’s autumn, stupid. Or the apocalypse. Either way it’ll ruin your breakfast)
• The Rick Edwards/ Nick Grimshaw double act on Freshly Squeezed (bearable apart, but these two dragging out a skit until it’s so thin even Cannon and Ball would sign off is a bit much to take at 7 am)
• People who top up your wine glass without asking (we’re not all alcoholics and we don’t all want warm chardonnay. For heaven’s sake, there are etiquette books on this type of thing)
• We’re Golden (Mika’s take on Two Many Broken Hearts makes a pain in our brain)

Holidays and mini-breaks.

Folded:

• The BBC (for having the good sense to show Point Break last Sunday as a Patrick Swayze tribute. Roadhouse next please)
• Slovenia (radical)
• Free Batman: Arkham Asylum downloads (only map packs, but they are gratis so stop complaining)
• Saturday morning at the movies (just you and the rest of the loners, but an entire screen nearly all to yourself. Don’t see Fame though, people will think you’re doing stuff)
• Charlie Brooker’s Gameswipe (He’s done it again, he’s made Bad Influence ‘09)

Creased:

• Cheapo post-it notes (if they don’t say ‘Post-It’ on the back and they cost £2.00 for 400 then they won’t stick to anything more challenging than a flat horizontal surface)
• Dappy (one third of N-Dubz. The one with the hat. The silliest one, in other words)
• Ghosts ‘n’ Stuff by Deadmau5 (good track, if it didn’t have that bloke from Pendulum singing all over it. Unfortunately it does)
• Il Protagonisto (what Robbie Williams was planning on calling his new album. Seems like senility comes and goes for him these days)
• Cheryl Cole (started out chavvy, went all fit, now back to chavvy again. And as for that skid mark of a new single…)

Pounds and pence.

Folded:

• Starting university (if you’re going you should have gone last week. Hope you’re enjoying yourselves)
• Sugababes split! (well one of them leaves and another joins, but it’s a start)
• Picnics (okay so it’s getting a bit cold now, but there is no better way to spend forty quid on food you have to make yourself. It’s rewarding or something)
• District 9 (just make sure you watch reading any reviews)
• White Lies (Rusko’s Euphoria Mix) by Mr Hudson (damn near irresistible beat)

Creased:

• The Love of Money: The Age of Risk (thanks to BBC 2’s programme last week for telling us how rich we used to be. Yep, it was champagne for lunch in ‘06. Apparently)
• Drive in movies (so there you are on the front row with 800 odd cars behind you in a field with two exits and no traffic system. Throw in heavy rain and you’ve got an interesting evening)
• Starting university (don’t think about the trillion quid you’re going to owe at the end of it)
• Wet (unless you miss Lara Croft that much)
• ‘HQ’ on youtube (seems that to pass as ‘high quality’ your video has be only slightly
  better than a yellowy home movie from the sixties)

Bad times…

• ‘The Swizzle’ (put Road House on and remember Patrick Swayze in the worst at his best. “My way… or the highway”)
• Put this in front of any url (why? Because laughing at Kanye West is fun)
• Troy Kennedy Martin (died this week and he wrote the screenplay for The Italian Job, so that’s definitely earned him a mention)
• Keith Floyd (heart attack. Drink some wine and remember this guy too)
• Pirates of the Caribbean 4 actually sounds like it could be quite good (probably won’t be though)

• Kanye West (second Creased appearance this month for the mini-man even Diddy thinks is a pillock)
• Reece’s Pieces (like peanut M&M’s that have gone off)
• Serena Williams (nice controlled behaviour for the 28 year old veteran)
• Children swearing (is there ever a more disheartening sound?)
• Derren Brown… has become David Copperfield (“I’m an American”)

In and Out.

Folded:

• The Beatles: Rock Band (Your Social Life: Over)
• Mean Creek (on TV last week at stupid-o-clock. Thoughtful bully bashing drama with decent performances from its young cast)
• Trailer for Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony is online (it’s very funny and Xbox 360 owners are very lucky)
• Big Brother has finished (and nearly for good, though we shudder to think what they might replace it with…)
• Terry Wogan (earned a rest and, god knows, some looser trousers)

Creased:

• Guitar Hero: Aerosmith (not even ironically enjoyable)
• Bankers trying for anonymity by no longer wearing pinstripe suits (reports they’ve taken to hiding under bowler hats instead are sadly tosh)
• Fancying Poison Ivy from Batman: Arkham Asylum (wrong on numerous levels)
• Chris Moyles (the public has earned a rest)
• Upsurge in 24 hr McDonalds (get some mopeds and deliver, then we’ll be happy)

Naked and bare feet, naked and socks.

Folded:

• Batman: Arkham Asylum (most immersive game since GTA IV. If we did stars we’d give it five)
• Susan Sarandon for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (ni-ice)
• Buttery toilet rolls (screw recession, live like a Bright Young Thing – treat yo ass)
• Kirsten Dunst promotes this season’s radioactive bubblegum look (she should dress like this all the time)
• Christoph Waltz (see Inglourious Basterds and see what we mean)

Creased:

• E4 showing off about landing How I Met Your Mother (who hasn’t seen this show already? Still it’s probably the only U.S. comedy export the channel will show this year that hasn’t already been cancelled)
• Shia LaBeouf for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (obvious)
• Gmail goes offline (nobody notices)
• She Wolf by Shakira (she may be as cute as a button, but this song makes even the crazy contorting video too much to sit through)
• Kanye West (believing his own hype again. Bye-bye reality)

Happy and sad.

Folded:

• Emeli Sande (criminally not in the video for Diamond Rings by Chipmunk despite doing all the singing. Buy her stuff anyway, it’s grrrr and soulful)
• Benefit Busters on Channel 4 (all hilarious but ‘in conversation with Emma’ was comedy moment of the year)
• Big Brother axed (don’t worry, we’ll find something else to write about all summer)
• Colin McRae: Dirt 2 (currently available for download on PS3 and Xbox 360. Shaping up as this year’s most fun racer)
• Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé (only comparatively Folded, but it’s still her best track for years)

Creased:

• Avatar teaser footage (take your joypads when the film hits cinemas in December)
• Empire magazine’s message board analysing said Avatar footage (at one point it had 700 comments, 98% of which were utter garbage)
• New X Factor format (did anyone remember asking for Britain’s Got The X Factor?)
• Remedy by Little Boots (‘Little Boots’ is apparently her nickname because she has little feet. Right, and The Dude’s called The Dude because everyone thinks he’s so cool)
• My Big Decision on BBC Three (touching stuff when that girl ‘overcame’ her desire for liposuction by having her mum hire a £400 a month personal trainer)

Folded:

• Inglourious Basterds (nothing like you’re expecting)
• World’s Strongest Man on Fiver (ever seen a human being go pop before? Well, you might on here)
• Revisit Dance Wiv Me (a year on and the video is still hilarious: Dizzee Rascal at the school disco, Calvin Harris as the trendy sixth form tutor behind the bar. All that’s missing is Dizzee’s dad showing up and dragging him home for not loading the dishwasher)
• Linen (best fabric ever. You can sit around in it all day; it’s supposed to be creased)
• Rick Edwards (okay we got it wrong before, this guy is pretty funny)

Creased:

• Inglourious Basterds (nothing like you’re expecting)
• Evacuate The Dancefloor by Cascada (‘evacuate’ should never be in any song. It makes you think of evacuating your bowels. No-one wants to do that when they’re dancing)
• Processed meat (this week’s cancer giver. Guess that means those of us who grew up on the stuff in our lunchboxes are screwed then. Cheers)
• Lack of subtitles on some video games (turning the volume up isn’t an option. We don’t all live in our parents’ house, some of us have angry neighbours with too much time on their hands and easily access matches to worry about)
• Men over 40 in mod cars (it’s always either a Focus or Impreza and never, ever, with the original paintwork)

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Uppers and downers.

Folded:

• Sky HD (in full 1080p it really is the way forward. Even those programmes about massive  tractors moving prairie houses look good)
• Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One (gangster movie of the year)
• Desperate Romantics (like x-rated Carry On. High wenchy babe factor)
• Lynx Fever deodorant (smells better than sweat)
• The Kevin Bishop Show (Gok’s his ace card, but it’s a funny show all round)

Creased:

• Richard Hammond’s increasingly awful barnet (it’s not the first time we’ve mentioned this, but now he looks like Peter Stringfellow)
• Wii Sports Resort (just go outside and do something. Really, canoeing is even better when you actually get wet)
• Calzones (like you ever need more crust)
• Games shops (more expensive than practically anywhere online and full of kids – what’s the point?)
• ‘This video is not available in your country’ (anyone getting this a lot recently? Annoying when they’ve not even rudie films)