We have some breaking news. Apparently America likes speccy idiots who scream like bellends and are rubbish.
It must do. Because on last night’s American Idol Danny Gokey – the man with a face like a remedial-level bespectacled foot who had performed Aerosmith‘s Dream On in the style of a traumatised burns victim – wasn’t eliminated. Instead, Allison Iraheta was told to pack her bags and instantly leave the public consciousness.
Allison Iraheta did OK on American Idol, and she’s young – she’s got the rest of her life to consistently fail to reach the same heights before dying embittered and resigned.
Before we get into last night’s American Idol, let’s just deal with the issue that everyone’s thinking about, OK? Randy Jackson is a mystic soothsayer and we all need to worship him as an almighty deity. There, we said it.
It’s true – before American Idol started to get serious, Randy Jackson proclaimed that a boy would win. And a boy will win – thanks to Allison Iraheta’s elimination last night, it’s a fact that American Idol will be won by either Danny Gokey, Adam Lambert or Kris Allen. This means that Randy Jackson can see into the future, and everything he says is Nostradamus-style coded prediction. So based on the vocal output of Randy Jackson throughout the season, what else does the future have in store for us? Dogs, apparently. Lots of dogs. Dogs that aren’t really feeling it. They’re the worst kind of dogs.
But let’s panic about the uprising of our new canine overlords later, because last night Allison Iraheta was voted off American Idol. Sad, yes, but Allison should take solace from the fact that the people who voted her off American Idol were also the same people who decided that Danny Gokey isn’t an offensively clueless turdmouth who deserves to spend the rest of his life in total obscurity, so they’re obviously not the full ticket.
So what will we remember most about Allison Iraheta? Well, there’s the succession of increasingly bad haircuts, obviously. And the fact that she had a voice like a man. But most of all, we’ll remember that Allison Iraheta’s name was so hard to spell that we deliberately avoided writing about her in case our spellcheck caught fire and burnt down. Oh, the memories.
But anyway, although it’s goodbye to Allison Iraheta, it might not be farewell. American Idol host Ryan Seacrest had some comforting parting words for her last night, as Reuters reports:
The red-haired singer’s swan song had the two women judges standing and cheering, and afterward Seacrest, who also hosts a radio show, made a prediction about Iraheta. “I know I’m going to be playing you on the radio real soon,” Seacrest told her.
That’s right – coming soon, Ryan Seacrest’s new radio competition entitled Guess The Name Of This Anonymous Idiot Who We Briefly And Wrongly Thought Might Be Famous Once A Couple Of Months Ago. We can’t wait!
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Maria says
Personally, I don
Melodie says
Dogs that really aren’t feeling it have to be the scariest thing I have ever been forced to imagine.
Tommy T says
Well, Stewie…with the exception of your accurate analysis of the Goke, you are WAY off on Allison. If not for Adam (the absolute best EVER to grace the stage of AI) Allison is the most talented young singer since Kelly. She WILL be a star, and as for you…hardly.
Skip says
What is it about Yahoo music writers that makes them so snobby and whiny? There is almost nothing of substance in this article; at least none that I could see. I didn’t get past the first couple paragraphs.
Stuart, I want to thank you. If all you need to be a music writer on Yahoo is a whiny, snooty attitude, induced perhaps by the daily ingestion of large amounts of coke, I should quit my job and start a music snob–I mean blog. Can you even play a musical instrument yourself?
Chad says
Wow.
You sure were brutal weren’t you?
I find what you said about Allison to be kind of harsh.
You cannot tell me that Danny and KRIS of all people are better singers than her.
Their solos were terrible and their duet was HORRIFIC.
Danny had horrible notes for the first time in both his performances.
I’m starting to find him a bit arrogant. He thinks he’s really funny and downright amazing.
Based on performance this week? Danny should have go the boot.
Allison and Adam were fantastic. Led Zeppelin is the perfect music for him, so it paid off well.
Allison was very consistent vocally in my eyes. Danny has not been consistent.
Kris got votes because all the little “teeny-bopper” girls love him.
Danny got votes because his wife died and apparently he is a God who loves to sing sappy songs.
Adam is just Adam. I will not complain because he deserved it.
How can she go from top 2 to getting the boot the next week?
I personally think th voting is not left ENTIRELY to the public.
I think it comes to ratings. When Daughtery was voted off? Ratings. When DooLittle was voted off? Ratings. When Adam was in the bottom 2? Ratings.
Anyway. I have a feeling we’re going to see her real soon as well.
Danny and Kris are going down.
Kerry Kolsch says
Adam is an entertainer that comes along maybe once in a generation; he deserves to win because he is the most talented artist to ever grace the stage at American Idol. Not only is he a gifted entertainer, he is a handsome hunk of raw sexuality, as Elvis was when he was photographed only from the waste up in the early days of his career. I believe that Allison was eliminated because she shared fans with Adam, and after Adam
fern says
this guy is a real ass, wow he must really hate the show or he just doen’t have anything else to write about. I dont watch this show much but the times that i saw this girl sing i thought it was the only competition that other guy had, and it was gona take some luck but the dude with the funky hair which i dont know his name can really sing.
Jeremy says
As we have seen with Susan Boyal, it’s a shame to see talent go unrecognized and thrown by the wayside because of imperfections; ostracized. With Adam Lambert, it’s his sexuality that is questioned. We must not follow the Evangelical’s ideology, which impose their societal doctrine of what is acceptable. Do not let this be another witch hunt victory for the Religious Reich who have and would like to maintain dominance over our ideal views. Rather let it be a moral victory for all people who believe in freedom and separation from religious persecution. Receiving praise from the fans is to be expected, but to receive praise consistently from the judges, actors, musical writers, and mainstream professional singers is how he entirely differentiates himself from all the others contestants. This is something that no other contestant can contend with.
What World are you living in? When the media questioned Adam Lambert for his presumably sexual orientation, this was the beginning of lifestyle segregation. It lead to a house divided. Lines were drawn not based on talent but based on how one lives his/her life. Let’s not allow talent prevail but religious ideology. Bias comes in many different forms, sexuality is one.
Danny Chokey sings, “Scream On”. Are you serious man? How did this happen? Let’s just give them all an award for their efforts. This is the same attitude that gives every person a participation award instead of winner trophy. Being a winner is what this country was founded on, and is exactly what these contestants want. They wouldn’t be on American Idol if “trying” or “an A for effort” was the contest. If you want to win and be the best at what you do, you don’t have bad days. Practice makes perfect. No excuses! The reason why so many people respect Simon’s opinion is because he tells it like it is. No sugar coating. You want an “A for effort”… let your mom hug you. Paula and especially Kara need to do their jobs in being objective, it’s not a popularity judging contest.
Mander says
In my humble opinion, Adam should not win. There is no way I’ll purchase a cd of chaotic high-pitched screeches nor suffer through any of his 80’s hair band sounding songs on the radio. The era of skintight pleather pants has come and gone and if I never have to see his make-up lined eyeballs again it will be a happy day.
Yes, Gokey had an off night this week but he has been consistent otherwise. I do think Allison should have stayed in until the end and battled it out with Allen. But we all know that being in the final four guarantees a promising future in the industry.. So I say congrats to all of them and may the voters-of-the-world’s choice win solely to appease the masses of prepubescent teens.
www.cdp1.com says
Ireally like Allison Iraheta and hate to see her go. You know we will hear a lot more from her in the future.
Mariana says
WHAT WORLD ARE Y O U FROM ??
What kind of NARROW minded , retrograded person are YOU ??? I hope I will NEVER EVER Meet you I my life!
TRAVEL, read, get the bit of THIS world before writing such shameful things.
You sound like 2000 years ago. Oh my dear god !
American Idol is a singing competition. Nobody should care about ADAM’s choices in his private life.
Don’t mix up religious things into this…You are make a full of yourself.
indycraft says
Troll.
Winston says
Enought with all the Allison Iraheta posts; I want to read more about these canine overlords.
mcyi9jm2 says
I was suprised that nobody commented on Paula Abduls song (with auto tune) and dance routine – isn’t she supposed to suffer from back and neck pains..? I spent most of her performance thinking she should take it easy though she’s obvioussly in great shape
I wish Alison had stayed in, Chris was pretty lame and has no chance of stardom, the same with Danny though he has a good voice (when not screaming).
Maybe another thing Randy is prophesising is that in the future everyone will have chronic hand arthritus forcing our fingers in to various gang signs…
nelson o. says
allison was the best contestant on the show this season by far i wish her the best of luck in her career im sure she will go far,would love to see her do the racheal ray show as they look so much alike they almost look like twins except for the age difference
CK says
Well, it looks like Allison is the first non-first-place contestant to receive a record deal. :-) So the goodbyes were not for long.
And if Iraheta is *that* difficult to spell, spelling must not have been one of your stronger subjects.