This Aerosmith split is ugly, and not just because everyone involved in it looks like a voodoo doll made from medical waste.

No, it’s the bitterness that’s ugly. Steven Tyler has only been out of Aerosmith for a few days, and the rest of the band are already lining up to badmouth him as much as possible. Just yesterday Joe Perry complained to a radio station that Steven Tyler had recently hung up on him midway through a phonecall.

And that’s just the start. We also heard that Steven Tyler always steals the Coco Pops whenever the band buys a Kellogg’s Variety Pack, thinks that Joe Perry’s mum is a slag and once drew a cock and balls on the back of Brad Whitford’s bomber jacket in Tipp-Ex. The man is evil.

What we appear to have here is something we like to call un problème Gosselin. You see, as we reported yesterday, Aerosmith have split up. And, just like when Jon and Kate Gosselin split up, we’re expected to pick sides – are we Team Tyler or Team Aerosmith?

However, just like the Gosselin situation, we’re having trouble picking a side, because neither option is particularly appealing. Side with Aerosmith and you’re essentially voting to see the remnants of Aerosmith shamelessly trundle around the world ripping off fans with a show starring a two-bit replacement singer.

Side with Steven Tyler, though, and you’re basically endorsing the egocentric whims of knackered old sexagenarian who looks like a bad painting of a transvestite with gills and is interested in something called ‘Brand Tyler’, even though that sounds genuinely nightmarish.

See? It’s a lose-lose.

But to help our decision along, Joe Perry is doing his best to convince us all that Steven Tyler is a right old git. Yesterday he gave an interview to a Boston radio station where, among other things, he claimed that Tyler’s telephone etiquette is nothing short of abominable:

“I did call him when we were in Hawaii, because we had some gigs that were offered to us to do in South America — like, three gigs that we were gonna do in December. And I called him up and asked him if he would consider doing them, and he hung up on me about halfway through the conversation, so I kind of got the hint that he pretty much wants to be alone and wants to do his own thing.”

So we’ve heard from Aerosmith. What about Steven Tyler? Well, so far he’s keeping a dignified silence about the split – so silent, in fact, that not even Joe Perry seems to know why he left so suddenly. Actually, maybe this is what Brand Tyler involves – Steven Tyler disappearing from view and keeping his gigantic mouth shut for the rest of his life.

If that’s the case, we’ve made our choice. Go Brand Tyler. We’re Brand Tyler all the way.

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