Hey everyone, Woody Allen’s got a new movie coming out! Wait, where are you going? Come back!
Look, we know that most people would rather remove their bellend with the rough side of a cheesegrater than actually watch a Woody Allen film these days, primarily because they’re all uniformly rubbish, but this one – entitled Vicky Cristina Barcelona – is different.
OK, it’s probably not that different at all really – we’re willing to bet it’ll be as painfully rubbish to watch as anything else Woody Allen has released in the last 20 years – but in this one Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a bit of a kiss. We’ve got the video after the jump, effectively saving you the price of a cinema ticket. We’re good to you, no?
It must be brilliant being Woody Allen. Just because he made maybe three good films in the 1970s he can get actors to do pretty much whatever he wants now. One minute he’s all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson, swan around in a tennis skirt for me,” and the next he’s like “Hey Ewan McGregor, be in this film of mine even though it’s obviously going to be awful. And do a funny accent while you’re at it!”
And now that he’s started making films in Spain, Woody Allen can be all like “Hey Scarlett Johansson again, get off with Penelope Cruz while I film it! Do it! I’m Woody Allen, director of Annie Hall, for God’s sake! It’s art! What? No, this isn’t an erection, whatever gave you that idea?”
Woody Allen’s new movie is called Vicky Christina Barcelona. It’s been billed as a ‘comedy drama’, which mean it’s either a naval-gazing exploration of blah blah blah snore, or a film that Woody Allen thinks is a comedy but since he stopped being funny several years ago it had to have the word ‘drama’ bunged onto the end to stop people feeling sorry for him.
But that’s not why people will go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona. Actually, nobody’s going to see Vicky Christina Barcelona anyway, because it’s a late-period Woody Allen film and they’d rather spend two hours doing something more fun, like letting infected AIDS monkeys chew on their balls.
But if anyone does go and see Vicky Christina Barcelona it’s because there’s apparently a lesbian sex scene between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in it, plus a threesome with Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz and the bloke with the funny haircut from No Country For Old Men.
And guess what? There’s a hint of this Scarlett Johansson on Penelope Cruz action in the just-released Vicky Christina Barcelona trailer. Have a look…
Do you see what we did there? We made you watch one minute and 12 seconds of hopelessly dull, dialogue-free trailer for a film you’re never actually going to watch anyway just so you could see Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz kissing for less than two seconds. You pervert.
But has the promise of a Scarlett Johansson/ Penelope Cruz sex scene whetted your appetite to see Vicky Christina Barcelona? No, us neither. Looks rubbish, doesn’t it?