It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.
The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.
Despite the crew and passengers of this intergalactic cruise liner appearing oblivious to Earth’s cultures, the ship was strangely jam-packed with accurate Earth-o-bilia, with one man even boasting of owning a genuine Earth antique dinner jacket.
Throughout the Doctor Who special, it was important to constantly remind yourself that we hadn’t travelled back in time; the passengers were just far more advanced technologically than us. Despite looking the same, wearing the same clothes, and using familiar looking mobile phones, they are more advanced, honest.
This episode was quite reminiscent of the original Poseidon Adventure, with a handily cross-sectional group trying to trawl through the wreckage of the Titanic after being struck by meteors. It later transpired that this was a deliberate act of sabotage on behalf of the gold-toothed man who previously ran the cruise liner company, Max Capricorn, as part of a dastardly plan to exact revenge upon the board who voted him out.
The group, led by the Doctor, had representatives from Titanic; an overweight couple who won their tickets (Leonardo DiCaprio), a selfish upper-class man (Billy Zane), a talking lychee (Fruit), and Kylie Minogue (Kylie Minogue).
A saccharine moment between Kylie and the lychee ensued which touched on lychee-phobia, explaining how they were no longer shunned and could even get married. Comparisons with homosexuality aside, it was moments such as this which seemed rushed, or added as an afterthought. Thankfully, the Doctor seemed as disinterested in the micro-histories of each character as we were, blissfully ignoring them while preparing his cringeworthy speech about being 903 years old, a time lord, and overly dramatic.
An entertaining although tired plot with spectacular special effects and most important of all, Doctor Who saves the Queen and her Corgis. While excruciatingly painful in places, the wincing was worthwhile even just to hear that immortal line, “only Britain is great.”
[review by Keith Emmerson]
Maggott says
Sorry, but it was utter drivel, and Kylie proved, yet again she simply cannot act. Nor was there the remotest iota of chemistry between her and David T. It was a total mish- mash of other disaster movies. The only reason so many idiots tuned into TV was because bloated on Xmas day after eating obscene amounts of food, there simply was nothing else “new” on, if this dross episode can be called “new” .The extra viewers it “attracted” had to be the gay community tuning in to see “the wonderkint who can do no wrong ” pretend to “act”- an accomplishment on par with her feeble attempts to sing.If she was not camp as Xmas itself she would never have had any career in showbiz. but been a Melbourne housewife.
Media fussing over her post that C-Word is a shameful cynical PR.Embarrassing to have become MORE famous for being ill,than for her career.
Internet Pedant says
You forgot to mention that it was crap.
Gilbert Wham says
I missed it, I am happy to report.
Telocity says
Wow harsh reviews. I am coming from a different point of view. I live in San Diego and get only air channels ( no cable). So I have been stuck with the christmas specials of the major channels. Nothing good, NOTHING. Then my friend shows me the Dr. Who special he recorded. Wow!! awesome! I have not seen Dr.Who in 20yrs and this show brought back great memories. It felt like the old shows with better special effects and better writing. David Tennant is perfect as the Doctor and Kylie Minogue I thought played her part fine. (plus she is drop dead gorgeous, ah! To play doctor with her….). The things you guys ragged on I liked, like the putting all the bits of other disaster movies in a way that was fresh and not to heavy handed. I bet this becomes a classic. It was good enough that I went and got the rest of season 3 and watched them all in one day. You guys don’t appreciate how good the writing on the show is. What good sci-fi is on right now? Stargate? Its ok, but the main charters never hardly die and the plots are very similar. Flash Gordon? Nahhh, its way weak and campy. B5? Over and done, but was a great one. Star Trek, reruns and weak plots. Bionic woman, weak. Hereos, good very watchable. I can think a few more, but none worth mentioning and/or considered real sci-fi. Dr. Who on the other hand has some really good writing. Can’t guess which way the plot will jump or who will live or die, can’t tell you how refreshing that is. You guys pick at the show like I pick at our sunsets. I will look out and think, well the color of the sunset is little weak and clouds are bit skimpy..etc…etc while my friend who just came back from china sat for couple hours in complete joy staring at the sheer beauty of it. So I for one hope there will be many more Dr. Who shows and christmas specials!
David A. Scarborough says
I’m sorry to disagree with you mate but your talking rubbish! I know its an opinion but its wrong, the writing is terrible for starters. It ripped other scenarios, like the cossing the bridge bit from poseidon and there was so many plot points that didnt make sense! Why didn’t they just fly around originally? Why didn’t that little red guy use his EMP straight away instead of letting people get killed? Why didn’t anyone actually hit those anglels as they were slower than a snail? I mean when the fat bird jumped off with one of them was pointless, she couldve just pushed him over the edge or something.
I just thought the whole thing was stupid, badley acted, directed and written!
Fawnet says
I’m with Telocity with this one; I enjoyed this episode, and cheered out loud at the parts that bother people. Yes, I can see that they swiped the bridge scene from Lord Of The Rings, or the attack-with-a-forklift scene from Aliens, and some Independence Day and some Poseidon Adventure. But it’s fun! It’s energetic, it winks at the audience, and it beats the pants off of sneaking through a quarry during yet-another societal rebellion!
Long Live New Who! :)
Nevisguy says
“that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence”. I think you forced that a bit.
Stabby McGee says
Yeah this ‘special’ was anything but. Kylie was vapid and uninteresting, all of the requisite drama was sucked clean out of the show by her performance, which ranged from unconvincing to cringeworthy. She couldn’t even be classed as camp enough to wing it.
The story was dull, none of the characters invoked any kind of empathy, I honestly didn’t give a fart about any of them dying.
I don’t watch the series religiously or anything, but many of my die-hard Doctor Who fan friends have been conspiciously muted in their praise for this year’s Christmas Special.
Athena says
I was SO Gaw’damn’ Dissappoointed in that Christmas special, I really was. There was something missing. I found Kylie alright. She didn’t sparkle half as much as she does in the music industry, and everything seemed a little limp.
I look forward in the premonition that Season Four will be awesome and just the fire that I was looking for, and yet was not delivered by this very lacking Episode.
Nice CG though…
Athena