It was once said that everybody is doing a brand new dance now, and that we should perform said dance, known as the locomotion. It was Kylie Minogue who made that statement, and it just so happens that she also starred in this year’s epic Doctor Who special as a delightfully downtrodden waitress.
The fact that ‘downtrodden’ almost rhymes with ‘wooden’ isn’t just a coincidence; Kylie’s performance was lacking in parts, but fortunately that didn’t detract from the overall enjoyment. The special was set on board the spaceship Titanic and, you guessed it, something went wrong.
Despite the crew and passengers of this intergalactic cruise liner appearing oblivious to Earth’s cultures, the ship was strangely jam-packed with accurate Earth-o-bilia, with one man even boasting of owning a genuine Earth antique dinner jacket.
Throughout the Doctor Who special, it was important to constantly remind yourself that we hadn’t travelled back in time; the passengers were just far more advanced technologically than us. Despite looking the same, wearing the same clothes, and using familiar looking mobile phones, they are more advanced, honest.
This episode was quite reminiscent of the original Poseidon Adventure, with a handily cross-sectional group trying to trawl through the wreckage of the Titanic after being struck by meteors. It later transpired that this was a deliberate act of sabotage on behalf of the gold-toothed man who previously ran the cruise liner company, Max Capricorn, as part of a dastardly plan to exact revenge upon the board who voted him out.
The group, led by the Doctor, had representatives from Titanic; an overweight couple who won their tickets (Leonardo DiCaprio), a selfish upper-class man (Billy Zane), a talking lychee (Fruit), and Kylie Minogue (Kylie Minogue).
A saccharine moment between Kylie and the lychee ensued which touched on lychee-phobia, explaining how they were no longer shunned and could even get married. Comparisons with homosexuality aside, it was moments such as this which seemed rushed, or added as an afterthought. Thankfully, the Doctor seemed as disinterested in the micro-histories of each character as we were, blissfully ignoring them while preparing his cringeworthy speech about being 903 years old, a time lord, and overly dramatic.
An entertaining although tired plot with spectacular special effects and most important of all, Doctor Who saves the Queen and her Corgis. While excruciatingly painful in places, the wincing was worthwhile even just to hear that immortal line, “only Britain is great.”
[review by Keith Emmerson]