Do you think that the world can never have enough rubbish-looking teenage vampire films featuring hamfisted pro-abstinence agendas?
You do? Well then, we’ve got two very exciting pieces of news for you! 1) Twilight, probably your favourite rubbish-looking teenage vampire film featuring a hamfisted pro-abstinence agenda, has been so hugely successful in its opening week that a sequel has already been greenlit, and 2) gosh, you’re an infuriating bellsack.
Will Twilight 2 be a success? Hardly – the screaming teenage girls who love Twilight will soon realise that handsome, dangerous boys willing to wait for sex don’t actually exist. Brokenhearted, they’ll hurl their virginity at the first boy to notice them, quickly get pregnant and wind up with five babies from five different fathers and zero self-esteem by the time Twilight 2 is released in 2010. Or at least that’s what we hope, anyway.
Now that JK Rowling has stopped writing Harry Potter books to pursue a full-time career of throwing handfuls of money in the air and jigging about gleefully as it rains back down over her head, teenagers have been in dire need of a new slightly patronising fantasy movie about people just like them. Well, like them except prettier, cleverer and less like to spend 45 minutes each morning squeezing giant hunks of rancid pus out of their foreheads every morning.
Anyway, in Twilight that’s exactly what they got. For the uninitiated, here are three fun Twilight facts:
1 – Twilight is about a girl who meets a sexy boy vampire who wants to have it off with her, or bite her, or something, but he won’t because he’s essentially a fantasy figure for regret-filled menopausal women. Also, teenage girls like him because he’s got nice hair.
2 – The Christian rock band Paramore feature heavily on the Twilight soundtrack, which instantly renders Twilight unwatchable because Paramore are objectively the worst band in history.
3 – Twilight is a box office sensation.
And, thanks to number three, and possibly the bit in number one about the vampire’s nice hair, the movie’s producer Summit Entertainment has officially greenlit Twilight 2, as Reuters reports:
The makers of hit film “Twilight” said they have given the go-ahead to produce a new movie based on the second book, “New Moon”, in the popular series of vampire novels by Stephenie Meyer. Meyer said she was “thrilled” to be making another movie. “I don’t think any other author has had a more positive experience with the makers of her movie adaptation than I have had with Summit Entertainment,” she said.
At least that’s what Reuters thought Stephanie Meyers said – she was too busy dancing around her newly-palatial living room in a top hat and shovelling clumps of suckling pig into her mouth to be completely coherent – but it doesn’t matter. Twilight 2 is happening.
Not that you need to get excited about it yet, because Twilight 2 won’t be released until 2010 and, since it’s a teen-centred movie based around vaguely religious and moral themes, Twilight star Kirsten Stewart is duty-obliged to get knocked up by a stranger and throw the shooting schedule out of whack long before then.
And it doesn’t even matter if Twilight 2 manages to get an even lower score from movie critics than the original, either. The movie is critic-proof. After all, teenage girls like Twilight, and they know quality when they see it. For instance, teenage girls used to love Jason Orange from Take That and, actually, no, Jason Orange had a face like an inflamed verruca. Bad example.
Brea says
This is the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever read! How DARE you hope that teenage girls end up pregnant and depressed! I’ve read hate articles about Twilight before and that’s ok, but seriously you crossed the line. And that dig towards Stephanie Meyer was uncalled for, you’re supposed to be reviewing the movie not the author of the book.
Get a new job if this crap is all you are able to write.
Shooty* says
The line has been drawn, and at that point we stand steadfast and say “No more, this ends HERE”. Ideally, Patrick Stewart should say it, just like he did in Star Trek First Contact.
Brea, he was joking. Go back to your Jonas Brothers records.
Paramore are Christian Rock? REALLY? They can’t be, they sing about, like, stuff OTHER than God. I think. Based on the 2 songs I’ve heard. Anyway, Coldplay and U2 and, indeed, the entire Killers output with the exception of Mr Brightside are surely worse than Paramour?
I don’t know what went wrong with the Killers. Seriously. How can you go from brightside to the turgid, sub-U2 crap they pump out now? It’s like if Nirvana existed, they’d now be playing belinda carlyle covers.
Shooty* says
You know what? I could have cut that WHOLE post down to 4 words:
You’re American, aren’t you?
James says
Paramore isn’t a Christian band, genius.
Stuart Heritage says
http://bibleforums.org/forum/showthread.php?t=146929
http://www.spin.com/articles/paramore-is-a-band?page=0%2C1
http://www.nme.com/reviews/paramore/9423
I would tend to disagree, genius.
lol says
Wow, that’s not even a review. You make no sense and by posting what you did, shows how your ignorant and have no life outside of website blogging. Congrats.
Shooty* says
Heh
http://www.bbspot.com/News/2008/11/review-twilight.html
Woudnt You Like To Know says
Little pent up sexual tension much? your the glass type empty guy right? It really sounnds like your projecting or something….oh and to the asshole who said he was an American…WTF…dont be so damn ignorant….the ignorant goes for you to
magnetite says
I don’t think Hecklerspray is a ‘glass half full’ or ‘glass half empty’ type of place. I think its a ‘Hey! I’ve clicked a free glass!’ type of place. Please adjust your attitudes accordingly.
twilight fan says
whoeva wrote this is such a stupid twat!!! u obviously havnt read the book properly or watche dthe film if that is wat u think!!!
twilitght is awesome , adrian says
you are a fucking retard
why are you so gay for
btw some of those people that left comments were soo very true and made me laugh so hard
eg. YOUR AMERICAN ARENT YOU
RASICT
yet true ;)
good luck retarded writer who probably hasnt even read the book
because i would suspect that their would be an angry mob of twlight fans throwing flamming books at your door!
regan says
um yea your very negative and dont look on the brightside of any thing obvioulsy. and there are guys out there that are willing to wait for sex you just have to find them. and if you read the books properly or watched the film with any enthusiam (if you even know the meaning of the word) you would know this. and maybe even god forbid like the series. so long sotry short you need and attitude adjustment bad.
Jenny from the Blog says
I envy the angry comments you receive. I hope you don’t have too many nightmares of crazy, adolescent Twilight fans who won’t experience sex until they’re at least forty, coming to suck your blood in the night. Are any of them even old enough to be viewing this site?
Kenya says
You can shutup because the movie is not about a girl wanting to get knocked up. Yea girls love it beacause its a wonderful romantic story & not only because Edward haves nice hair. You should consider reading the book before makeing your remarks.
Sam says
Didn’t your mummy let you watch it at the cinema?
Lol your pathetic, the graphics itself were amazing, they even got the colour of eyes etc, you need to stop slagging films off :D?
Ledia says
Lmao.
This is one of the best articles i have ever read…(along with the other one’s you wrote about Twilight.)
I am absolutely in LOVE with the Twilight Series and i still had enough sense of humor to laugh at your insults :) haha.
I think Stephanie Meyer is brilliant and her writing style is intense, because, after all, she made every teenager worship her books. However, i hated the movie. After reading Meyers masterpiece, the movie looked like trash. And i dont care if Robert was in it, he isn’t even cute in the first place. People are definitely reacting a little too emotionally on the movie when it sucked. Bad. The Harry Potter movies are 100 times better at grasping the concept of the books then Twilight. Anyways, again, amazing work Stuart, you have a gift of getting people to read your articles :)
Ps: I completely agree about that whole Jacob thing. Michael Copon is hot and actually looks like…well, a man. lol
I’m PRAYING “twilight two” (LOL) is better. I would hate it if it was as crappy as the first one. *Siiighs.
Thuroughly appalled says
WOW… I don’t know what else to say. That shit you wrote is pretty damn messed up. check what I decided to call myself and you’ll know exactly how I feel towards you and your words. Twilight and its sequels were written wonderfully by the author and just because you’re too much of a blind, ignorant, jackass to know that, you don’t need to trash it.
Just know that your lousy comments are NOT appreciated. Just go die in a hole…
You're sad! says
Doesn’t it make you feel sad to know that there are people out there with the life that you obviously don’t have? Stop hating on everyone else and get it. There is no point annoying us when you could be out doing something useful.
So what if others like Twilight, I personally love it. I think it’s beautiful and has some awesome twists in there. I do read and watch other things, but maybe you need to as well.
Get a life, sweetheart.
(Also, Paramore is better than you. Misery Business and Decode rock my world. Unlike you.)
allie says
you obviously havnt heard paramore because they are the bestt STUART!! if you have and you still dont like them ohhh mann you have no taste!!!
as you can see above me if your giong bag on someone or something make sure you read or listin to what they have made!! altogether i think you need to get a life and stop making stpid articles like this!
Whatever says
This is all bull poo!
I think the film is good and very entertaining…Oh and the guy is hut too!!! Lol.
Hoping that teenagers get pregnant is a bit twisted though.
Peace ;0)
Brittany B. says
Hey guys the next movie of twilight(twilight 2) will more intense more romance, but less edward.
P.S. If you read the second book you would know.
twighlight is grat says
i think twight was mint i loved i have never stoped waching it
p.s i think you shoud have more of edwored because he is so gearges
azc says
Funny thing, the irrational hormonal rage of all the replies pretty much affirms everything the author said. Coupled with the fact that half of you cant spell, oh well kids wake up in the real world eventually.
julieann says
are bella and edward still going to be in it ???
brana93 says
May I ask you a question before I write a novel?
Are you a Twilight hater?
twilight fan says
i love this film its my favourite by far a girl who falls in love with a vampire who wants to suck her blood but he falls in love with her and cant help but to protect her but will he when a stronger vampire tries to eat her? the vapire takes one bit then get pulled off her and the venim is sinking into her so if the venim does get took out she will become a vimpire edward (who is very hot i must add) has to suck it out but will he be able to stop draining her blood? in the end edward and bella (the girl) go to prom together and she wants to be a vampire so her and edward can be together forever but will edward change her??
that is basicly right isnt it if i am wrong plese correct me
i cant wait for the next film i have not read the books so if anyone has can you please give me a clue of what is goin to happen
thank you x
emma says
i think it great there bringing a 2nd one out the first film was well good i watched it twice it was awesome and cant wait till next yr
Annabelle says
Darling,
tbhh, this just proves
YOUR NOT GETTING ANY.
sad fact; blates true :)
Lots of Lovee
jessica says
the person who wrote this obviously didnt see the film and obviously has never belived in love.
Rachel-twilight lover says
U suck!
Ur stupid, probs gay and definitely a loner!lol
I luv twilight and the whole series!
AND FYI IT NOT CALLED TWILIGHT 2, IT CALLED NEW MOON!!!!!!!!!!!!
seniha says
thats right, its called new moon, loser!!
not twilight 2…
sucker, haha
sorry…
wait a minute, no sorrys
ha ha suckity sucker…
twilight ROOOOOOCKS!!!
TWILIGHT GIVES LESSONS TO HARRY SUCKER (POTTER) says
TWILIGHLT IS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER, NO WAIT
HARRY SUCKER
HAHAHA
NAH NAH NAH BOO BOO HARRY SUCKER
YOU JUST SUCK!!!
BUT TWILIGHT RUUUUUUULES
Lyndon says
well personally I’m surprised by all these remarks everyone ripping the shit and calling each other names. This truly show the level of intelligence and respect in the modern day. Before you start accusing me of anything ill tell you what i am. I am a 23 year old straight male from England i don’t suck cock i am just a normal human being with a bit more of an understanding than most. I think most people who read the books before watching the film are disappointed that what they feel are crucial things are missed out, but obviously the film needs to be condensed down to fit the length and timing of the film. Some films spend to much time on all the little details that you might need in a book to create more imagination. But here is the point, some of us and quite alot of us actually don’t like to read and find books a little unentertaining and being 2009 now i feel we have the right to have our individual preferences. The film that are based on such books as these by writers such as these are our only way of enjoying the writing. Here is an example, people read music some people enjoy reading music others enjoy listening to music and sometimes it’s played slightly differently than it’s written. I don’t think you should compare this film to harry potter or lord of the rings and you should just see it for what it is, some people may like it others may not. I personally think this is a very good film and it does have some (seen to be) attractive people but that is the entertainment business, it’s all about the glamour and probably would have the same effect if the lead roles were played by peter kay & vanessa feltz but it also wouldn’t attract the audience’s attention. The story of this film, has vampires and may be unbelievable to some people but it isn’t a story of vampires its actually a story of unconditional love and if you do not want a romantic story and just want some vampire on vampire action i suggest watching blade (the first one cause the others got a little too animated). I also really look forward to watching the next one which i believe will be called new moon and hope it beats the deadlines as i can’t wait
all the best
LoriQuail says
You rock Lyndon!
I totally agree,
I think that Stuart Heritag was very very harsh, and should write his articles more respectfully towards teenage girls and men in general; and take into account that every person on this planet are all completely different and don’t share your disgusting view of the world. (Of which I am very grateful!)
Please, in the future write articles that are more useful and are not a load of crap.
Thanks,
Lori.
Conny says
I think that you are right on the one hand. Sure not everybody of the teenage girls will “stay in love with Edward.” It was terrible when I went to the cinema and one girl (about 13 maybe) screamed “uuuh Edward is mine. When the fucking bitch is kissing him, I will kill me..” and she started to cry because he DID kiss her ;) That’s creepy …
So i love you irony & sarkasm ;)
But on the other hand I think that twilight 2 will be a success anyway. It’s about love – and unrealizable love – and everybody know that it could have a bad end…
And I think nearly everybody who has watched the first one, will watch the second one, and the third one …. Even when she’s or he’s mother/depressive or anything like that ;)
Twilight says
I cannot believe someone would be so absurd as to write something like this about both a book/movie and the author!If you had a brain, you would read the Twilight Saga and realize what actually happens and not make stupid assumtions.
P.S. “Twilight Fan”: I love the way you described the Twilight book. That was a perfect summary! :)
But i think you should read the rest of the books to find out the correct details of them. There is more action in the others than there was in Twilight and it’s definitely un-expected.
And to the obvious Twilight hater who wrote this article, I don’t see a problem if people dis-like the book,movie,author,etc. but the way you said this, it was as if someone from the movie did something to you or you had a mightmare about it and want people to feel your pain or something absurd like that. If you notice in the book, Bella and Edward have a lives.. I think you should follow their example and get one for yourself.
Toodles!
lOVE BIRD says
HI I am love bird. I love twlight. You cannot believe the movie if you didn’t watch it rent it or buy it. You will love Twilight as much as i do. I think the good vampire is the hotest guy you know the one who dates bella.
Nosfa says
I think this is a piece of critical literary genius.
and to love Bird, no I certainly don’t love Twilight for it is a patronizing, ideological piece of steaming monkey crap. and to twilight…learn to speak english, “bella and edward have a lives”…tard.
peace.
Ema says
I think TWILIGHT was awsome plus Edward is sssssooooooooooooo hot.
BeerHunter says
Hahahahaaa…
Yeah. Chick flick. It’ll be the coolest thing we all ever forgot 3 months after each movie release over the next few years.
hayley says
hi guys just watched the film, i thought it was fantastic,and nosfa, wtf. there is nothing in this film that’s patronizing, so please explain. and who are you to pass judgement on other people’s spelling. i’d rather be illiterate than a sad, hating,miserable lonley no hoper like yourself. guys its just a feel good film, theres no hidden innuendos, and in such depressing times where all you see is war, poverty, peeps stabbing peeps, then im glad there are films out there, to take u away from all that shit. oh, and to the twat who wrote this blog, you sad f**king prat, i was a teenage mother, i have been with the father of my children for 12 years. we have good jobs and a good life. so research your criteria a little bit better, bell-end
peace-out
carolanne says
Stuart Heritage obvisily doesnt know what hes talking about when did teenagers getting pregnant have enything to do with the movie
and so for boys willing to wait for sex don
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!1these is unbelevable what I am been readin about what people have bin writing in this webpage which you all should be awire of is owned by a Mr Stuart Heritage who is too fit to clean your boots baitches!!LoriQual had written this one “he should write his articles more respectfully towards teenage girls and men in general” well let me tell you brother this man Stuart Heritage writes brillantly for all types of men inclluding teenage girls and I should know because I pernally know several of all of these (all types of men inclluding teenage girls) ANd then you’ve got Adrian she says that “because i would suspect that their would be an angry mob of twlight fans throwing flamming books at your door!” well listen up pubeface if their are a mobs throwing flamming books at Stuart Heritage I will stand in front of him and put out the flamming books with my tears that are because people liik you say such bad things about him (Stuart Heritage) without you knowing him or his lifebut the worst was Woudnt You Like To Know who wrote “dont be so damn ignorant
vic says
stop the drugs!!!
jenny says
Your an idiot lol it aint that big of a deal get over it
anthea says
WHAT THE F**** Twilight has the best actors ever just because u big and fat does not mean u can pick on teenages just because u arent famouse and is not a teenager.So f**** off.
anthea says
ONE!:NOT A CHICK FLICK
TWO:U ARE SUCH A ASS!!
SUCK ON THAT BITCH!!
anthea says
same her girlfriend !
louise says
i totally agree with u twilight is an awesome film and i c nt f**king wait 4 number 2 to come out i absolutely adore tht film TWILIGHT RULES AND NO ONE FORGET THT !!!!! from louise anotha twilight fan
Shaun says
I must say I enjoyed this movie quite a bit (and I hate romance movies in general).
What I don’t seem to understand Stuart is how a person can bash such a successful production (both in book and movie form)?
Your comments seem rather personal and if people like myself were to continue supporting the site, I’m sure others would agree that we want un-biased reviews and not child-minded comments.
Megan says
That was articulate and witty.
I think that just proves the author’s point.
georgia says
i think your right shooty!! paramore rock n twilight is gr8! your just jealous cuz he fit n u aint so lay off!! twilight rocks n it alwys will do so no matter what you say TWLIGHT WILL ALWAYS ROCK!!
georgia says
americans are TWATS
sic baby says
Da review is so fully sic! Like yo I went wit my my man to da twilight new moon and he fully wanted to have sex wit me during da movie. At first I says no but he is fully sic hot dude so we did it at da movie an now I is pregnent. He says I his bitch and he treat me good so I happy to hav da baby. We gonna call da baby Edward or Bella.