Remember that episode of 24 where Jack Bauer grew a manky beard and married a woman who looked like a ropey sex doll?
You don’t? That’s because it never happened. But it doesn’t matter, because we’ve got the best thing. Heidi Montag‘s husband Spencer Pratt has decided to leave The Hills to concentrate on – and this is completely true – joining American Defence Enterprise’s cyber security division in an effort to prevent the hostile use of technology from endangering America’s military and financial muscle.
Truly, Spencer Pratt is just like Jack Bauer. Or, hopefully that CTU agent who looked a bit like Jack Bauer and went blind when that bomb blew up in his face on the beach a couple of years ago. Or that one who got his arm cut off. Either one of those two would be fine, really.
Spencer Pratt’s greatest attribute is his ability to adapt. Oh, and that beard of his that looks like a fungal infection. No, what are we talking about? That’s not an attribute at all. Oh, look, let’s just concentrate on his ability to adapt.
He’s essentially a firefighter, that’s what Spencer Pratt is. Wherever he’s needed most, that’s where we’ll find him. When the world of reality TV needed a universal villain; a braying, obnoxious dipstick who we could project all of our worst feelings onto, Spencer Pratt joined the cast of The Hills. When MC Miker G hung up his microphone, Spencer Pratt stepped in to take his place as the planet’s most obliviously untalented rapper. And when the world needed a collection of heroically ignored sub-Britney disco mewling, Spencer Pratt became his wife’s manager and helped steer her album Superficial to the bottom of the pop charts.
And what does the world need now? Well, duh – it needs to be saved from the villainous shadow of cyberterrorism, doesn’t it? And that’s why Spencer Pratt has left The Hills, given up his position as Heidi Montag’s manager and started to study software engineering so that he can assist the cyber security division of American Defence Enterprise. Seriously, we’re not making any of this up. Here’s what he told MSNBC:
“Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges. My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”
Obviously. While Spencer Pratt should be commended for deciding to take his life in a direction that he seems to have neither the capacity or mental aptitude for, we do feel a little sad that he’s not taking the MTV cameras with him. Because, seriously, a fly-on-the-wall record of Spencer Pratt ballsing up operation after operation, allowing cyberterrorists to strip the US financial system dry in a different way each week, and then doing a little rap about it at the end as his furious colleagues beat him to a pulp? Who wouldn’t want to watch that?
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SlantedScience says
I don’t think ‘WTF’ gets within a mile of this one. We need to invent a new acronym for such stories, because the problem will only get worse when Danny DeVito announces that he and George “Ziggy From Grange Hill” Christopher are going to sequester themselves in a Second World War bunker and join their minds in moving the Moon so it lowers global sea levels.
Perhaps “OCONYASTTPNWTIUFR”. Unwieldy, but the expanded form does hint at an appropriate level of stunned WTFishness.