Heidi Montag famously said that her new album Superficial was as good as Thriller. And she was correct.
Sort of. It isn’t as good as Thriller the 110,000,000-selling Michael Jackson classic. But it is as good as Thriller the 1973 Swedish exploitation movie about a mute, one-eyed, heroin-addicted prostitute rape victim. It’s not quite as uplifting as the film, admittedly, but it’s probably about as good.
And the whole world agrees, too – so far, Superficial by Heidi Montag has sold less than 1,000 copies. The low album sales have left Heidi Montag in a visible state of shock. Or maybe she just had her face surgically tightened so much that she can’t move it any more. That’s probably the most likely explanation, in retrospect.
God, you think you know pop music, don’t you? If someone had come up to us a fortnight ago and asked us to describe the perfect pop album, we’d have instantly replied “12 identical songs by a universally-disliked reality TV star who’s undergone so much plastic surgery that she now resembles a cross between a blow-up sex doll and a Martian, all of which detail precisely what a bitch she is and have been Autotuned to such an alarming degree that they may as well be performed by the woman from your car’s Sat Nav.”
Shows what we know. Despite promoting it with performances and online leaks and subjecting herself to such an alarming amount of cosmetic surgery that she now looks like an amateur caricature of Tori Spelling that’s been drawn on a wet napkin in felt-tip pen by an idiot, it’s been reported that Heidi Montag’s debut album Superficial has been a gigantic flop, selling a ridiculously tiny number of copies. UsMagazine reports:
Heidi Montag’s debut album may have set a record — just not a good one. In its first week of release, The Hills star’s album, Superficial, has sold less than 1,000 copies, according to Nielsen Soundscan. In fact, industry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date.
It’s shocking, isn’t it? It means that, in the whole of America, there are 658 people who are actually willing to spend money on a Heidi Montag album. That’s insane. You 658 people are weird. If you’re reading. Which you’re probably not, in fairness.
Anyway, you have to feel slightly sorry for Heidi Montag. Just last week she claimed that Superficial had cost her $2 million to make, and that she genuinely expected to make that money back in the album’s first week of sale. Needless to say, that hasn’t happened. To be fair, though, that’s not Heidi Montag’s fault. There was a simple miscalculation of the album’s RRP, that’s all. It’s currently on sale for $9.99, when it should have actually been on sale for $3,039.51. That price tag would have made Heidi’s money back. Just about.
Anyway, if we know Heidi Montag, she’ll have the last laugh in all of this. Or maybe she won’t. Maybe her face has been surgically tightened so much that if she opens her mouth wide enough to laugh she’ll end up tearing her anus off. We just don’t know.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Eugene says
Hmm, why aren’t the Michael Jackson people posting here about the defiling of their idol’s reputation?
Mediagal22 says
Heidi says, “This is the first album of many to come,”however, the reaction to here surgery may have prompted some disdain for the “mini-star”. According to http://www.newsy.com/videos/feeding-a-plastic-addiction Heidi may have more worries than poor record sales.
http://music-mix.ew.com/2010/01/21/heidi-montags-album-bomb/comment-page-3/#comment-85952
Pam says
LMAO, this website was so funny. I read alot of articles about Heidi’s suckish album sales, but this was the funniest to date.
From the thriler reference to the “tear off her own anus” thing, i was lolzing.
Bookmarking this page.
Eugene says
Mediagal:
Thanks for the links. The comments are hysterical.
JD says
I like the album
If another gal had released the same thing, it would have sold. As well as anything else in that genre IMO.