HecklerSpray

Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy

People Magazine: Robert Pattinson Is An Ugly Old Turdbag (Or Something)

By Stuart Heritage

Robert Pattinson, Chace Crawford, People Magazine, Summer's Hottest BachelorsYou read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he’s a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut.

How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list and – you should sit down for this – Robert Pattinson didn’t win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don’t watch because it’s not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music.

Honestly, this is the most upset we’ve ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.

Ask any woman who they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and there’s a good chance that they’ll roll their eyes and walk away from you, on the grounds that each person’s definition of hotness is essentially unique to the individual, and thus compiling a list of the world’s hottest bachelors is basically an exercise in futility.

However, ask any acne-ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster who they they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and they’ll reply “Robert Pattinson. ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!” before passing out in a giant puddle of urine and tears and exploded fallopian tubes.

Thing is, though, they’re wrong. Robert Pattinson isn’t anything like a hot bachelor. He can’t be. Already this week it’s been revealed that Robert Pattinson isn’t even Britain’s most eligible bachelor, and now People magazine has stuck the knife in even further by not naming him as summer’s hottest bachelor. Instead that title went to Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl, which leads us to believe that People got confused and thought it was making a list of Summer’s Hottest Bachelors With Silly Names That Make Them Sound Like They’re Sinister International Investment Banking Corporations.

Here’s what People said about Chace Crawford. Feel free to do as we did, and shout “LALALALALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU” as you read this while repeatedly poking a photo of Chace in the eye with your finger:

Note to anyone interested in the 23-year-old actor, who will next star in the remake of Footloose: learn to be low-maintenance. Says Crawford of his perfect date: “All you need is a pool table, beer, an electric jukebox and good conversation. The day a girl beats me in a game of Beirut [a kind of beer pong] is a good sign!”

Oh shut up you insufferable prick. How dare you be hotter than Robert Patinson! How dare you! Why, we’ve got half a mind to take the genes you were born with and aren’t able to change outside and give them a bloody good kicking.

But still, let’s not get too upset about Robert Pattinson’s inherent failure to be named as a hot bachelor. After all, let’s not forget that this was People‘s Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list. Give it a few months and we’re sure the magazine will come good by publishing its Drizzly Sunday Afternoon’s Hottest Bachelor list or its List Of Bachelors So Wan And Ill-Looking That They’d Probably Dissolve And Melt If They Ever Stepped Foot Outside On A Normal Summer’s Day. And, seriously, Robert Pattinson has to win both of those.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!


Comments

  1. cheekyrectum says

    My fallopian tubes have exploded into a drizzly puddle of urine reading this article. Seriously, it’s a mess over here.
    Judging by the vast number of posts on Mr Pattinson written by your fair hand, it makes me wonder if perhaps you may be having a secret love affair with young Roberto. After all, love often manifests itself in mysterious ways.
    In the meantime, you make me laugh…hard. Keep up the funny funny articles. You need to vent your obsession somehow.
    Signed,
    A acne ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster, take your pick.

  2. Leila says

    Chase….. who?
    SINGED: Acne ravaged middle aged woman.
    p.s. if a teen doesnt have acne – then she is horse-faced?

  3. cara says

    I dont think I want to ever by Peoples magazine anymore.Their headings are very hurtful and heartless.You just lose one customer but I guess you have others.

  4. middle-aged horse girl says

    People magasine lost another reader here too…oh wait…I never did read people mag!! No one cares who their list is anyway!!! Robert is definitely sexy to many women, single, married, young, middle-aged, old, horse-faced or doll-faced – But seriously – Do you thiink he even cares!!! Carry on Robert!!

  5. AYM says

    Robert is probably happy not to be listed as People’s Hottest Bachelor, or Britain’s most eligible bachelor…he probably rolls his eyes at titles like that anyway. Honestly, I don’t even know who Chase Crawford is…had never even heard of or seen him until People gave him their ridiculous title. I’m a fan of Roberts, no doubt about that…but there are so many other amazing men out there (actors/non-actors) who I would put up for that title over him any day.

  6. Pam says

    One thing you need to remember: you obsess yourself over this guy. Fan or not you write about him often enough to keep the flames alive. Before you start flaming who the fans are take a look in the mirror. What happened? Couldn’t write anything decent like SM does? Thought so.

  8. Catherine says

    Are you increasing your internet traffic writting this absurd articles of Robert Pattison??? shame on you….and shame on me to fall into your game…..

  9. just a brit gal says

    haha! seriously..after reading the article and then this i was giggling like an acne ravaged school girl!..*coughs* NOT that it was THAT long ago that i really was of course! *whistles*…….

    Awww im sure Berto wont be too upset by this though..he seems to have enough sense to know that u cant please everyone all the time!I could be wrong though..i have to admit i dont claim to be his number one from the heartachingly loyal fanbase he has..i dont know his favourite colour or blood group even! I know…. *holds her head in shame* Jokes aside though..i wouldn’t kick him outta bed for eating toast! *grins* hahaha aww im 7 years older than him..i should be ashamed!…should…i said..should! :)

  10. Sissy says

    You are a Douche!!! I didn’t finish reading your “post”, but it is lame and unwitting!! Do you really want to write something decently funny? you should watch Rob’s interviews…People lost another reader too…oh…yeah…I never read People’s magazine…oh well….by the way I am not a 14 year old teenager..and in my opinion Rob is the hottest and the most desirable male on the face of the earth dead or alive!!!

  11. Cassie says

    Seriously, you’re just asking for the attention or else you would not write such crap. Did you mommy not give you enough hugs where you were a baby. Based on your pic you’re not an attractive person so I can see why you diss on Rob. It’s okay, we all know you secretly want him yourself but something tells me you haven’t come out to mom/dad yet so you keep you inner longings to yourself. I get it. But know this, one day you will have to let your inner demons go and just admit that you love him like we all do.

  12. Vicki says

    Admit it, you’re in love with Robert, aren’t you Stuart. It’s blatantly obvious. Thanks again for another lame, poorly written article- we can always count on you for that.

  13. Leila says

    we know when the people vote themselves democratically – Pattinson wins every time – as in VANITY FAIR poll but PEOPLE missed this about the people. PEOPLE is not about the people. who r they to judge? let the people judge & vote as they did on VANITY FAIR

  14. ace says

    does anyone ever realized that MAYBE people magazine didnt name Robert Pattinson most hottest bachelor because just MAYBE Robert Pattinson isin’t a bachelor……… omg omg omg

  15. dina says

    I’m fairly certain that Pattinson isn’t too upset by this apparent injustice. He’s probably counting down the days until he can walk out on the street without being mobbed by zillions of the 14 year old acne ravaged young girls you mention above.

  16. jonathan says

    Whoever wrote this is an a-hole. Horse faced School girl? I bet the person that wrote the article looks like a toad.

  17. Kagami says

    I honestly am a 14yr old girl. I HATE TWILIGHT. I…meh…Robert is okay.

    They really only like Robert because he’s “EDWARD” who is gay.

  18. Jfry says

    umm….I hope you realize that in know place in peole magazine did it call him a turd bag. I was a satyrical interpretation by the writer of this blog.

  21. alley says

    You seem so passionate about your hatred towards Rob that it is quite obvious that you must hold a deep seated obsession with the poor guy. I feel very sorry for him, he is constantly mobbed by young girls (i can imagine 50 hormone enraged teenage girls would be terryfying)Rob portrays himself as a very decent ‘normal’ guy apart from the fact that he is a very talented actor with an astonishingly beautiful face (note the flawless line of his nose, strong masculin jaw line and ice blue eyes) what can i say; this is the reason why women and men admire this man and teenage girls are hysterically in love with him ;)

  23. racket says

    hahaha “Oh shut up you insufferable prick” hahahaha at last an article that has more truth to it than guessing whether or not horseface and bob are at it. (WHO CARES!!)

  24. Moo with Maureen says

    Thank you! Finally, People magazine did something right! Honestly, Rob isn’t cute. His hair and hygene just grosses me out to no point. He is only this popular because he played a sparkling, stalking, creepy “vampire” in a movie that was horrible. So thank you for making my day. Also enjoyed reading fangirls defending him. People magazine will not be hurt because you guys stopped reading it. It’s one of the most popular tabloids out there. Keep up the funny articles!

  25. Kami says

    Author, you are sick!! Get some help. Chase a Chance, Chace Crowsomething…. will need some good work to get noticed, not to pose on the cover of People looking a”la Rob.

  26. cs says

    First of this “post” is poorly written.Get your fuckig facts straight dumbass! Also not all 14 year old girls have acne because I sure as hell did not have acne I had a flawless face at the age of 14 and till this day I still do. Seriously, who the fuck cares if robert pattinson isn’t people hottest summer bachelor at least he was put on the list .It’s just a title nothing more even though to me he is extremely sexy and amazingly hot but that my opinion.

  27. anna says

    this author has insecurity issue,u can tell by the way he writes.I wonder how come he’s given the chance to write.

  28. Brian Wynne says

    I disagree with this. Robert Pattinson is the George Clooney of our generation. fap fap fap

  29. Stephen Nguyen says

    I disagree as well. You just don’t appreciate this uniquely brilliant individual. Robert, you will always have a special place in my heart.

  30. twihars72 says

    They had to put someone on this issue of People……Rob Pattinson will grace us with is HOTNESS on the cover of the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE issue later this year. Chase is just a fill in for the real deal.
    Rob is AMAZING!!!!!

  31. Sparrow says

    Hahahahaha! Seems some little fangirlies and creepy Twitmoms found out about this article. So many butt-hurt comments! “Who cares what you think!”
    Ah yes, but who is here posting their butt hurt feelings about it, hmm?

    This article made me laugh! It was hilarious!
    “a puddle of urine and tears and exploded fallopian tubes”.
    *LOL*
    Pam said: “What happened? Couldn

  33. Missy says

    . . .wait a sec. I thnk the author has gone far t0o l0ng on havng dat press freedom.watch ur words lady,i got a lot of respect on d staff of dis mgazne,bt n0w?ugh!wer did u came frm? Anyway. 1st of all,Rob,isnt actng lyk a bachelor,he aint braggin abt how d camera loves his face. .he NEVER PRETENDED TO BE S0ME1 ELSE IN HIS C0UNTRY.sec0nd,abt dos grls uve jst said?smtmes d0s acne grls or horse shape faces,turns to be prettier whn they get oldr.just gve sme RESPECT. .n0t bcause ur bhnd dat desk,u cn say anythn.luk in d mirror.

  34. Sayko says

    author thinks he’s smart enough to write jokes, that would make kindergardeners sigh with bore?.. oh wait, you’re revenging your ex-, who thinks turdbags are smarter than you are.. /facepalm/ in Russia we call stuff like this a Universal nanobolt

  35. Sissy says

    OOOHH you are the guy in the picture I get it now!!! I understand your passionate hate toward gorgeous Rob!!! you are NOT at all good looking…ummmm…and talking about…”horseface”..did you look yourself at the mirror when you came up with that idea?? I don’t mean to offend the poor horses though…

  36. Vicki says

    Huh…. and what do you look like Moo with Maureen?? You must be really something special to look at to be able to trash others in the way that you do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I guarantee that most of us would rather look at Rob then yourself.

  37. annie says

    You lost a customer, you can dislike someone without being so hurtful…People like you are why we have so much hate in this world today. You like to provoke. If you ask my people magazine is so partial toward people like angelina jolie and brad pitt. My opinion of people like then is not much higher thank yours is of robert pattinson. But i don’t try getting everyone else to hate them. they live together not married just adding one kid after another to what they call a family not even trying to raise their kids to be with any guideline. I could go on but i won’t. I will never by people magazine again………….

  39. TINA says

    Robert Pattinson is more gorgeous than chase crawford!!! grr why do i have to be 7 years younger than him…

  42. holly says

    chace crawford? who the fuck is chace crawford?
    did he get mobbed just by walking down NY street? i hope not.

  43. Rhiannon says

    Okay, aren’t people allowed to like him without being a spinster or acne ravaged? jesus take your obvious inside anger out on something more healthy than this topic that is talk about 145 million times each day. And kristen stewart is gorgeous, and why does she not look like you, and is that why? god forbid huh? robert pattinson is very good looking, okay we all know, now just say that he lost to Chace Crawford and try not to fail epicly at trying to be funny and just being a fucking bitch.

  44. barbara says

    I agree with Just a Brit Girl. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating toast eigher, or as my sometimes vulgar husband says about some pretty girl on t.v. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed unless he wanted to f*** on the floor. ha! anyway. I happen to be a little older than 7 years Rob’s senior. o.k. I’ll just say it I’m 36. I might be 13 years older than Rob, but I’m not dead. i know a beautiful man when i see one.

  45. Hun-Bun says

    You just insulted just about every women on the planet. When you were little did your mother have to tie a pork chop around your neck so the dogs would play with you? No friends, no good looks, no writing skills. There are institutions for your type of phobia. Try to get some help, I’m sure a few days in a padded room will help you. You must have problems with women.Talk to your doctor, they have little blue pills that will help you. Until then, crawl back under your rock.

  47. yum says

    its pritty obvious isnt it?
    chace is the hottest bachelor of the summer !
    but we all now rob is hottest bachelor out theree!
    summer bachelor? isnt that 2 low profile for himm i belive so
    i mean comoon putting the sexyiest man on the planet in that list
    is pritty saaad u should agree..
    i mean he is the sexiest man on vanity fair ,
    chace didnt even make that list !
    haha <3

  48. uhm says

    ugly old turdbag? how old are we, 5? this article is all your opinion, and it sucks. case closed.

    “acne-ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster”

    that makes me laugh, it really does. how mature.

  49. Jess says

    Yeah I may be a 14year old girl but I don’t have acne and I’m not one of those chasy fans (what are they even gaining from chasing celebs around). I think robs hot but what’s the point of this article just because he didn’t win doesn’t mean he’s a “stinky old bellend with a twonky hair cut”. I agree that a lot of people like him because they think he’s Edward though I like Edward in the book but I don’ t even think robs so great at it. People are even saying ‘…and he’s a vampire …’. NO HE’S NOT!!!!!

  51. antonia says

    …… ugly old turd bag huh? i swear he’s the 13th sexiest guy in the world. what you forget is that even though he’s famous, he does have feelings… :S i think its harsh that your putting all this shit on here about him… how the hell would you like it you dont even know the bloody guy!!!!
    rob is amazingly talented, he sings, plays piano, acts, guitar (i think) and kristen is stunning you twat. get a life.

  53. isabel says

    God that article was just hilarious. i think i am rolling around in a puddle of urine

  54. monika says

    ok he is so not ugly people are just so jealous and he is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot and he does not have a ugly haircut u all might think oh its stupid edward the famouse guy but hes just like all of us too ok so shut up and leave him alone

  55. Massie says

    Well…i dont really like Robert Pattinson either but what you said was really mean. He may not be the best looking man in my eyes but lots of girls think hes so hot(I roll my eyes when they say that).I think your entitled to your own opinion and you can say what you want to say but wouldnt you feel hurt when someone said that to you(they already did but,hey, you did that).My point is i think roberts ugly too but I dont think hes that horrible. Plus,so what if he didn’t win the bachelors thing?I think those lists are stupid anyways everyones veiw of the list are different.Like fans here would put Robert in first place.And future fans who look at my comment please don’t bash me for calling Robert ugly it’s my opinion and didn’t I defend him?I respect anyones opinion if they respect mine.

    P.S. Sorry if this was long I just didn’t think it was fair for Rob to be insulted like that and I was bored.

  56. alex says

    I am 16 and I think Rob is gorgeous!! (and NO, i dont care what anyone thinks!) ive been a fan of his since as in HP and i loved him as Edward! but i dont just love him because he plays a good character. he acts,sings & plays guitar & piano..whats not to like!
    also Kristen doent look like a horse! she’s actually quite pretty!
    oh and i think people magazine is the stupidest & most pointless magazine out there!
    and i dont think he deserves to be insulted like that by anyone. so what if he didnt win. no on is perfect. those lists are stupid!!

    sorry this was so long..i was ranting a little bit.

    I <3 Robert Pattinson

  57. Lauren says

    I love People Magazine- and let me remind all of you that they are not Teenbop or whatever. They are a classy magazine not meant for squealing teenage girls.

    While I understand that Robert Pattinson is attractive- he is not the only cute guy in the world. Everyone has different opinions and- People Magazine is obviously not feeling the obsession.

    Maybe Robert is going to be ‘The Sexiest Man Alive’ but, honestly, why do you care about a cover of a magazine? If you think he is the hottest bachelor- then why do you need People Magazine to tell you that you are correct?

    But seriously, do you think that People Magazine cares that seven 14 year old girls say that they won’t read the magazine- even though they haven’t before?

    No.

  58. jessrei072229 says

    Chace Crawford is WAAAAYYYYYYYY HOTTER than robert pattinson!!!!
    just accept it!!! robert pattinson is so OVERRATED!

  62. Jen says

    NO MATTER WHAT THIS BULLSHIT SAYS. ROBERT HAS WON SO MANY AWARDS INCLUDING MOST HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD. so you have to be kidding me! He is so HOT!

  63. Susan says

    Look at the “Avatar” blue people. Robert Pattinson looks like he’s from their race – F*CKING HIDEOUS!!

  64. Emily says

    Robert Pattinson is way hotter then who ever tha hell that other guy is,I would so fuck his brains out!!

  66. Jill says

    Ha! I want to laugh whenever Pattinson tries to look smoldering. he just looks like he’s a pothead.

  68. Annie says

    robert pattinson is gorgeous. but seriously, i laughed when u said kristen stewart is horse-faced. soooooooooooo true
    and hey i dont have acne

  70. Jennie says

    I’m glad that the people from People magazine have good and properly-working eyes and brains. Robert Pattinson looks like he was spewed out of the behind of an ape. Seriously. The people they should put on TV & movie screens should be easy on the eyes, not someone who makes you want to GOUGE your eyes out.

    And for all those girls who think he’s “hot”, “gorgeous” or “handsome”, well since I know that a “Shut the eff up” won’t work against your bird brains, well I’ll leave you be. If you think that poor excuse for an actor is gorgeous, well, you’re the ones who have poor taste in looks and you’re the ones who’ll end up with god-ugly husbands in the future (and bat-shiz ugly kids at that). Ain’t my problem.

  72. india leonard says

    you guys are just retarded ….. i bet hes 10 TIMES hotter then you:)) I LoVE , ROBERT PATTINSON:)

  73. india leonard says

    dont you guys have eny thing better to do then put someone done ? when i bet NONE of you have ever even met him !! so befor you judge some one make sure you OWN HANDS ARE CLEAN!!!!