You read that right. People magazine hates Robert Pattinson. It thinks he’s a stinky old bellend with a twonky haircut.
How do we know? Because People magazine has published its Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list and – you should sit down for this – Robert Pattinson didn’t win. No, instead the top title was snatched by Chace Crawford from some show named Gossip Girl which we don’t watch because it’s not about sparkly teenage vampires trying to kiss horse-faced schoolgirls to a soundtrack of legitimately bad music.
Honestly, this is the most upset we’ve ever been at an arbitrarily-chosen space-filling magazine list. Ever.
Ask any woman who they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and there’s a good chance that they’ll roll their eyes and walk away from you, on the grounds that each person’s definition of hotness is essentially unique to the individual, and thus compiling a list of the world’s hottest bachelors is basically an exercise in futility.
However, ask any acne-ravaged 14-year-old girl or creepy middle-aged spinster who they they think the world’s hottest bachelor is and they’ll reply “Robert Pattinson. ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON! ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON ROBERT PATTINSON SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!” before passing out in a giant puddle of urine and tears and exploded fallopian tubes.
Thing is, though, they’re wrong. Robert Pattinson isn’t anything like a hot bachelor. He can’t be. Already this week it’s been revealed that Robert Pattinson isn’t even Britain’s most eligible bachelor, and now People magazine has stuck the knife in even further by not naming him as summer’s hottest bachelor. Instead that title went to Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl, which leads us to believe that People got confused and thought it was making a list of Summer’s Hottest Bachelors With Silly Names That Make Them Sound Like They’re Sinister International Investment Banking Corporations.
Here’s what People said about Chace Crawford. Feel free to do as we did, and shout “LALALALALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU” as you read this while repeatedly poking a photo of Chace in the eye with your finger:
Note to anyone interested in the 23-year-old actor, who will next star in the remake of Footloose: learn to be low-maintenance. Says Crawford of his perfect date: “All you need is a pool table, beer, an electric jukebox and good conversation. The day a girl beats me in a game of Beirut [a kind of beer pong] is a good sign!”
Oh shut up you insufferable prick. How dare you be hotter than Robert Patinson! How dare you! Why, we’ve got half a mind to take the genes you were born with and aren’t able to change outside and give them a bloody good kicking.
But still, let’s not get too upset about Robert Pattinson’s inherent failure to be named as a hot bachelor. After all, let’s not forget that this was People‘s Summer’s Hottest Bachelor list. Give it a few months and we’re sure the magazine will come good by publishing its Drizzly Sunday Afternoon’s Hottest Bachelor list or its List Of Bachelors So Wan And Ill-Looking That They’d Probably Dissolve And Melt If They Ever Stepped Foot Outside On A Normal Summer’s Day. And, seriously, Robert Pattinson has to win both of those.