When the list is finally produced covering the ‘Things We Absolutely Do Not Want To Ever Know About, Ever’, this will be right up there at the top.
Nobody needs to know that Sam Ronson has apparently bought Lindsay Lohan a big pile of sex toys for her birthday.
We didn’t need to know, we didn’t want to know and we feel a bit sick now. Which is why we had to tell you lot, so you can feel as ill as we do.
Yep – sick as a dog.
When looking through what there is in the world to report on we went through many reasonable stories – the ever-stunning Mickey Rourke fighting roadworks, the ongoing saga of Jordan and Peter Andre which we all care so deeply about or even the court appearance of the now-less-frightening Amy Winehouse.
But even though they were the better things to report on, we had let out eyes rest for too long on the news that Sam Ronson had allegedly bought her on-off-in-out-on-through-again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan a basket of dildos.
Sometimes we wish our eyes would just piss off and stop relaying information to our brain, just so we didn’t know anything about this ever happening.
Even if it isn’t true – it is from the reputed journal that is the National Enquirer, after all – it’s still a sick enough thought to make us actually want to die. Or go on a killing spree. Probably more the second one, as hecklerspray values its own life over that of others.
As the Enquirer said with its evil, evil, eye-poisoning words:
“Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood’s erotic emporiums for the items.”
Going so far as to throw in a “buzz” pun makes it more sickening than we ever thought possible. We thought it was bad that the video of Michael Jackson‘s head exploding was released about thirty seconds after he’d died, but this is a new low.
We hope you’re all happy now. In our pursuit for excellence, we’ve had to learn this information. To consider this thought. To think about Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan and a big pile of rubber tallywhackers.
We blame you, and only you for this.
Sunny says
The mental image of the “big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys” will buzz through my mind all day. Hopefully a nice tube of K-Y was nestled among the lovelies.
I’ll just try to omit the consideration of Sam Ronson/Lyndsay Lothan sharing the contents.
REDPOOH says
I WATCHED THAT MOVIE SHE PATENDENED THAT SHE WAS PREGNAT N SHE WASNT N HER SISTER HAD TOR HER FAKE PREGNET THING N SHE GOT A BALLON N SHE WANTED HER MANGER TO THINK SHE WAS PREGNET N SHE WASNT
BUTT ITS OTHA THINGS I WOULD TELL YA BUTT YALL HAV TO WATCH IT YA SELF
EZE says
I thought this was gossip for grownups?? Not prude sheltered people who do not know how to express themselves. I would say that you have not grasped the fact the everyone in the world has sex and yes some use fingers, tounges and other means of stimulation. At this time you can go to wally world and purchase a vibrator but we still have prude individuals on and adult website no less saying how gross sextoys are. I guess you will have to settle for your finger…
Billythekid says
Pretty stupid article in my opinion. Since when has the National Enquirer ever been known for accuracy in its reporting? That aside, the thought of Lindsay receiving above mentioned bag of toys couldn’t have been as revolting as Hecklerspray makes out, or they would never have bothered to even report the nonsense. Maybe you should make up some more nonsense yourself, and just cut out the middle man?
shooty* says
That is the coolest post I have read all year. I am going to use the new word “patendened” every day from now one, once I figure out how to pronounce it too.
Shame your keyboard doesn’t have a “green biro” setting, isn’t it?
shooty* says
Anyway, I don’t mind this mental image as I’ve got a mental firewall that replaces Sam Ronson with an “image not found” red cross type thing. Lohan I can live with :)
Felicia says
Hmm, I’m a lesbian and can’t help but have a total crush on Lindsay Lohan. I know she’s been through some things but she’s still talented and Hot! The thought of her using ‘toys’ turns me on….thanks for sharing!
Nathan says
The thought of lilo with a basket of rubber dongs is not totally repulsive but Samantha Ronson is a swamp donkey and renders the rest of this mental image horrible.
www.makebedtimefun.co.uk says
I think we know far too much about Ms Lohans sex life already.
Sexleksaker says
The thought of lilo with a big bag of rubber dildos is not totally repulsive but Samantha Ronson is a swamp donkey and renders the rest of this mental image horrible.
BLiP says
omfg. seriously? Tell me you’re a product of homeschooling or something.
OnHotNight.com says
The lindsay Lohan Sex Doll Dripping with Semen … lol..