Were Joaquin Phoenix to sit down, have a nice cup of tea and speak a full, clear sentence it’d be front page news.
But he hasn’t. Instead Joaquin Phoenix has decided to do something weird. You know, for a change. However, Joaquin Phoenix knows that dishevelled incoherency can only get you so far, so he’s added an extra layer to his shtick – possible violence.
Joaquin Phoenix decided to end a show in Miami last night by flinging himself into the crowd and possibly thumping an audience member. We never knew “please put me out of my misery” was such an effective heckle.
Currently there are two schools of thought surrounding Joaquin Phoenix’s recent crackpot foray into hip-hop and mumbling like a homeless. The first one is that it’s all an elaborate Borat-style hoax cooked up by Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck to prove an important yet unexplained point to the world. And the second one is that Joaquin Phoenix has literally gone so bananas that he’s about a fortnight away from putting a sail on his head and relaunching himself as a dinghy.
However, there does seem to be a third explanation for Joaquin Phoenix’s behaviour – one that we’d put money on being true. It makes so much sense. A spectacularly ill-advised foray into the world of hip-hop, a dreadfully embarrassing wardrobe, sporadic fits of mindless aggression – Joaquin Phoenix is doing his best to make sure that Mark Wahlberg isn’t the star of We Own The Night with the most cringeworthy musical sideline. It’s benevolent and philanthropic and Joaquin Phoenix should be congratulated for it.
Phoenix hasn’t actually admitted that this is the case yet, so until he does we’ll have to put up with more slightly tedious displays of eccentricity from him, like the one this morning where Joaquin Phoenix decided to dive into the audience at a concert and get all up in someone’s biznatch. People reports:
A disheveled Phoenix, 34, came out onstage smoking a cigarette and sporting his now trademark beard. He was rapping unintelligibly when he became agitated, said, “We have a [double-expletive] in the audience,” and jumped down into the packed LIV nightclub. “I saw the guy screaming at Joaquin, and Joaquin just came down,” Jorge Lledo? told The AP… It was not immediately clear whether the two men exchanged any blows.
Of course, it’d be nice to know what the double-expletive that Joaquin Phoenix used was. Nice but not essential, given that pretty much any combination of any two swearwords in any language on the planet would probably quite neatly fit the profile of anyone who seriously decided to go to a nightclub and watch Joaquin Phoenix rap for a living.
So that’s jumping off a stage on purpose, falling off a stage accidentally and slightly confusing David Letterman that Joaquin Phonix can check off on his big madness to-do list. All that’s left for him to do is flash his genitals while getting out of a car and he can get his certificate. He could also make a sequel to The Village as well, obviously, but that’d be pushing the madness just a little too far.
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Stabby McGee says
3:1 on “cock-shitter”!