One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage – so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today.
Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”
This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.
Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.
The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?
No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:
“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”
Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.
Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.
By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.
Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.
Shooty* says
“Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.”
That would imply someone had actually seen it.
Melodie says
She left him for Billy Bob Thornton, They’re saying now. So basically she’d have left him for anything, poor guy: 2-for-1 pork rinds, a gasoline spill on a rainy day, James Frey…
Karina says
Hey! I wouldn’t say that. The x-files:I want to believe is not a crap and of course Tea didn’t leave him because of that. What I think is she just couldn’t bear his inappropriate sex addict behavior. It is not really pleasant to see what’s happening to your husband. David always was a womanizer and now the situation became much worse. But still, no matter in what scandals David Duchovny is involved, I appeal to you all to respect him for what he’s done for all of us being Fox Mulder for that long period of time. He is a legend and loved by millions.
J Bollocks says
Tea, is that her name?
Let me be the first to say fuck this modern world. What the fucking shit is wrong with a normal name? AS it is I know this guy called “Dolphin” and be fucked if I’m going to yell out “Hey Dolphin” when I see him down the mall.
Scousers I knew named their dogs “Fuck-head” so they could shout that out on public streets.
I’m changing my name to “Tape-worm Infestation”, you can call me “Tapey” for short.