Britney Spears has it all – like a number one single and a body that doesn’t look like the product of a lifetime devotion to maize snacks.
Except she doesn’t. Britney Spears doesn’t have it all at all – to be more accurate, Britney Spears’ dad has it all. As her conservator, Jamie Spears gets to control all of Britney’s assets until she’s properly recovered from her numerous psychiatric problems. And, thanks to a court hearing yesterday, we know exactly when that date will come.
Never. Britney Spears is never going to be well enough to look after herself, because Jamie Spears has just had his conservatorship extended indefinitely. He’ll only lose control of Britney Spears’ assets when Britney herself requests it to be lifted. But, since filing a legal request requires more than repeating the word ‘womanizer’ 40 times in a row like a nightmarish robot chant, we wouldn’t hold our breath for that to happen any time soon.
Controlling Britney Spears’ affairs can’t be all that difficult, can it? All you need to do is keep her away from hair-trimming equipment, force her to take her clothes off in music videos and every now and again release a perfume with an arbitrarily-chosen adjective as its name like Britney Spears: Involved or Britney Spears: Isauxetic and – bingo – you’re away.
And that’s why we’re secretly jealous of Jamie Spears, because that’s exactly what he gets to do all day. Ever since she spent that time in that mental hospital earlier this year – after going a bit berserk, locking her children in a bathroom and screaming about death – Jamie Spears has been Britney’s conservator, which means he got to control all her stuff while paying himself a fancy wage for the trouble.
When the agreement was made, most observers assumed that it would only be a temporary situation – before long Britney Spears would be back on her feet with a full head of hair and a number one album – and that’s happened. Partly.
Yes, Britney Spears has a proper haircut again now, and Womanizer got to number one – but as far as being able to look after her own life goes, Britney’s such a hopeless mess that a judge has decided to grant Jamie Spears permanent conservatorship, as Reuters reports:
The father of Britney Spears will retain control over the once-troubled singer’s personal and business affairs for an indefinite period, a Los Angeles judge ruled on Tuesday… “The conservatorship is necessary and appropriate for the complexity of financial and business entities and her being susceptible to undue influence,” said the judge, Reva Goetz.
Actually, when it’s put like that, maybe Jamie Spears controlling Britney’s assets is a good idea after all. This way, the complications of juggling various business interests can be taken out of Britney’s hands, allowing her to concentrate on what she does best – staggering round car parks in a pink wig babbling made up words to hordes of paparazzi in a ropey British accent. No, singing. We meant singing.
After all, if Britney Spears really is susceptible to undue influence, then this is definitely for the best. And if you’re reading this, Britney, we wish you a speedy recovery. And also, we have a number of wonderful investment opportunities for you in the magic bean market. We’ll make you rich. Call us.