What would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software?
You’d get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn’t about him.
This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.
Hurrah! We almost never see this sort of thing. Well, apart from Dana International. And that single by bolshy Big Brother transmidget Nadia.
Kim was born Tim Petras, and we’d joke about her not having enough imagination to choose a more traditionally exotic transsexual name such as LeQuahnda or Beyonce, but we imagine that if you’re pumping your body full of synthetic hormones, and facing surgery that makes a cat’s cradle out of your genitalia, and may or may not involve turning part of your bowel into an artist’s impression of a vagina, you’ve probably enough on your mind. In fact you’re lucky if, when the name-changers come calling, you don’t end up with the new moniker of Please No Please Please No I’ve Changed My Mind Oh God I Like My Penis Why’s It All Going Dark I Want My Mum Petras.
It’d be all too easy to make vaguely racist tranny jokes here, but then we’d be ignoring the real issue: the video for Die for You, which you can watch on The Sun’s website.
The song itself is not terrible; it doesn’t sound like it was sung in a David Walliams falsetto, and will probably end up on an unholy Ibiza compilation by the end of the year, but the video could do with some work. In it, Kim
• Sits at a bar and plays with her hair like Paris Hilton
• Cavorts in a park with a man at least twelve times her age
• Stands in a room, lip-synching earnestly into the camera
• Waves her arms about when the song gets a bit faster in the middle
This will never do. Nadia from Big Brother at least had some oiled-up male dancers to self-consciously fondle in her video. If you’re reading this, Kim, here are hecklerspray’s five top tips for a successful second pop-video-by-someone-who-wants-to-be-thought-of-as-a-pop-singer-and-not-a-transsexual:
• Kim, a girl, meets Tim, a boy, and snogs him
• A robot Kim meets a robot Tim, and robot-snogs him
• Any kind of poledancing whatsoever
• Writhing around on a bed with a selection of cylindrical fruits and vegetables
• Actual footage of the gender reassignment surgery
“I wouldn’t change anything about me or how I got here. I’m doing what I love and am finally happy with who I am,” Kim told The Sun. ?That’s all very well, but suggestive vegetables in the next video, yeah? Attaboy.
This was a guest blog by the wonderful Robyn Wilder from Dollymix, so well done her