Young Aryan Transsexual Makes Brave Life Choices For Mediocre Eurodisco

kim-petrasWhat would you get if you went back in time, kidnapped Aled Jones before his voice broke, transported him to Germany to whip off his bits, turned them inside-out like a glove, then gave him a blonde asymmetrical fringe, and access to bland music software?

You’d get Teutonic transgender pop sensation, Kim Petras. Or that gurning bisexual one out of Blue. But this isn’t about him.

This is about German 16-year-old Kim Petras who has lived as a girl for most of her life, but only had her man-bits remodelled by surgeons last year, and is celebrating by saturating the three-figure end of the charts with her bland Eurodance single, Die For You.

Hurrah! We almost never see this sort of thing. Well, apart from Dana International. And that single by bolshy Big Brother transmidget Nadia.

But anyway.

Kim was born Tim Petras, and we’d joke about her not having enough imagination to choose a more traditionally exotic transsexual name such as LeQuahnda or Beyonce, but we imagine that if you’re pumping your body full of synthetic hormones, and facing surgery that makes a cat’s cradle out of your genitalia, and may or may not involve turning part of your bowel into an artist’s impression of a vagina, you’ve probably enough on your mind. In fact you’re lucky if, when the name-changers come calling, you don’t end up with the new moniker of Please No Please Please No I’ve Changed My Mind Oh God I Like My Penis Why’s It All Going Dark I Want My Mum Petras.

It’d be all too easy to make vaguely racist tranny jokes here, but then we’d be ignoring the real issue: the video for Die for You, which you can watch on The Sun’s website.

The song itself is not terrible; it doesn’t sound like it was sung in a David Walliams falsetto, and will probably end up on an unholy Ibiza compilation by the end of the year, but the video could do with some work. In it, Kim

•    Sits at a bar and plays with her hair like Paris Hilton
•    Cavorts in a park with a man at least twelve times her age
•    Stands in a room, lip-synching earnestly into the camera
•    Waves her arms about when the song gets a bit faster in the middle

This will never do. Nadia from Big Brother at least had some oiled-up male dancers to self-consciously fondle in her video. If you’re reading this, Kim, here are hecklerspray’s five top tips for a successful second pop-video-by-someone-who-wants-to-be-thought-of-as-a-pop-singer-and-not-a-transsexual:

•    Kim, a girl, meets Tim, a boy, and snogs him
•    A robot Kim meets a robot Tim, and robot-snogs him
•    Any kind of poledancing whatsoever
•    Writhing around on a bed with a selection of cylindrical fruits and vegetables
•    Actual footage of the gender reassignment surgery  

“I wouldn’t change anything about me or how I got here. I’m doing what I love and am finally happy with who I am,” Kim told The Sun.  ?That’s all very well, but suggestive vegetables in the next video, yeah? Attaboy.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Robyn Wilder from Dollymix, so well done her

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Comments

  1. Transaction says

    Oh dear, jealousy is a very powerful emotion, isn’t it?

    By the way, aryans come from Iran – not Germany.

  2. femme says

    “It’d be all too easy to make vaguely racist tranny jokes here”
    Odd it seemed that was just what you have been doing through out your “writing?”
    BUt yes I see transaction has said it best. Jealousy sure does bring out the worst in some.
    This girl is talented, and has been upfront with her life. Can you say the same? Have you bothered to ask her why she picked Kim for her name? Na why bother when you can write trash instead.

  3. Transaction says

    Well, according to Wikipedia, dunreading:

    “Both “Persia” and “Iran” are used interchangeably in cultural context; however, Iran is the name used officially in political context.[8][9] The name Iran is a cognate of Aryan, and means “Land of the Aryans”.”

    Of course, the term ‘Aryan’ has, and continues to be, constantly mis-used by Nazis and bigots to mean something totally different.

  4. linda says

    The science of making a vagina out of a penis is pretty much perfect,
    because both the penis and vagina originate from the same tissue. The clitoris is the penis, for example, the scrotum, the labia, etc. Is really sex reversal, not sex change.

  5. Jroo says

    “am finally happy with who I am”

    No 16-year-old is happy with who they are. Piss off, you lying dickless wonder.

  6. Gina says

    Robyn Wilder… ‘wonderful’? I suppose if one is a smug, transphobic, bigot one would find her wonderful. This blogger is a seriously insecure woman who needs to examine her shaky sense of privilege before again attempting to write about transpeople. Whether one thinks the song is teen pop trash or not we’re all entitled to our opinions, but in referring to her singing as ‘falsetto’ and saying ‘attaboy’ Robyn sinks to an ugly level in talking about a teenager who 1) is more attractive then her 2) has gone through a lot of shit in her life to get where to the positive place where she is 3) doesn’t need Robyn projecting her own creepy sexual obsessions on someone who’s underaged. Grow up Robyn… I have no interest in reading another mean-spirited, unfunny piece you’ve written.

  7. Ellie says

    Crikey, how’s the view up there on your high horses?

    I think the point of this article is that Kim Petras has produced little more than a mediocre eurotrash pop song and the *only* reason that she is getting any press for it is because she is a 16 year transsexual.

    Seriously, if you don’t like spikey humour, what are you doing here?

    There are so many more important things going on in the world to get riled up about. So go. Rile elsewhere. Jeez.

  8. Gina says

    @Elllie: No, the point of the article isn’t about her eurotrash pop, the point of the article is to rip on her because she’s trans and to ridicule her gender identity. And when I see people mouthing off like a bigot I call them on that. Now I’ll get off my high horse if you and Robyn stop being the horse’s ass.

  9. BigLiz says

    Gender reassignment surgery is about as funny as a hysterectomy. Think about that, Robyn, if ever you should have the misfortune.

  10. Lisa Juhas says

    Hi Kim you are very very sexy,cute and beautyful Girl.
    Sex Change is not a problem.I am a Fan from you.

  11. Ell says

    Well i think of those of you who are critisising her because of who she is must have no life or heart.
    Kim has been through so much negitive in her life than positive and then you come here and just treat her like sht.
    Shes been through a lot in her life. she grew up thinking shes a girl and wanted a sex change. THATS HER CHOICE. when your man enough to have a sex change or anything that shes been through, then you can come here and take the piss but until then…

  12. Literary Empath Guy says

    Wow, you’re such a bigoted and ignorant person. This is a backward little rant that uses derogatory and derisive comments about someone just because she is ‘trans’. GTFU. (Grow The F. Up).