Maths. That most hated of subjects for millions of schoolchildren every year. It's truly evil. And last night, it proved that its terrifying evil grip extends beyond the classroom and into reality TV, as Lord Sugar found himself having to fire four people at once because somebody somewhere had forgotten to match the number of candidates to the number of weeks they're on air.
You?d think that one of Lord Sugar?s minions can count, wouldn't you? But it seems that millions of pounds can't buy you competent staff or stop simple maths from cocking up your reality TV show.
And so Lord Sugar found himself with six children, and only two spaces in next week?s final. His solution to this problem? Popcorn.
Yes, the Dark Lord wanted his tiny little minions to come up with a new brand of popcorn. And then he was going to fire the entire losing team. And one person from the winning team, just because he felt like being really, really unfair. He said something about it being a first on the Apprentice which we assume was meant to make us go ?oooh, how exciting!?
We didn't.
After the rejig, Posh Harry and Other Harry found themselves working with Lizzie, whilst Zara, Irish James and Heya formed the other team. And then they were all irrationally dragged up to Leeds, presumably just so they could sit in the back of the car and whinge about whether or not they were there yet, and maybe give each other dead legs a few times.
Once safely in the hotel, it was time for the weekly battle for the position of Project Manager, which oddly became like the last election as Lizzie and Heya found themselves playing Nick Clegg and picking the winner. Strangely enough though, both of them steered clear of the posh idiots, and so Other Harry and Irish James became Project Manager. Which stomped on our Clegg-Cameron analogy quite nicely. Stupid children.
Posh Harry was inevitably deeply unhappy about not being appointed PM, and so decided to act like a spoiled brat. Just for a change. He came up with a dreadful idea to name their popcorn ?Smoochies? and WOULD NOT SHUT UP about it.
Even after Lizzie and Other Harry had decided on American-style popcorn and called it Empire State, he still kept going on and on and on and on and then a bit more on about Smoochies. Apparently it had something to do with molesting people in the back row of the cinema. Which is something we NEVER want to think about Posh Harry doing.
Irish James & Co meanwhile had come up with a plan to sell Mediterranean popcorn. Unfortunately for them though, they suffered from a terminal lack of imagination and a complete misunderstanding of where the Mediterranean actually is, and so called their popcorn ?La Popcorn?. Because obviously, popcorn with Italian flavours should have a French name.
The name wasn?t even the worst of their problems though, because it turned out that their feta and olive popcorn tasted like the rankest thing on earth. Everyone who tried it pulled faces so disgusted, that you’d think they were watching a girl defecate into a cup.
After the teams went off and did some disappointingly good pitches, it was time for the boardroom, where Irish James?s team and their cheesy popcorn surprised everyone by winning the task thanks to a gigantic order from Morrison?s. Evidently, their customers don’t own tastebuds, so it isn’t surprising at all really.
It was a business decision that seemed to completely cock up the Sith Lord?s plan though, as he found himself having to pretend that he was absolutely fine with having what was quite clearly the worse of the two teams through to the final. He gave the Harrys and Lizzie his card, and tried his best not to sob like a child when saying his overly emotional farewell to them. It was so overly emotional that he didn't even tell them they were fired. THAT?S feeling for you. We know your secret, Sith Lord.
But maths wasn?t done playing its evil, horrible tricks on Lord Sugar just yet. No, he still had to ditch another child, so he called the winners back in to interrogate them about who was a bit shit.
The unanimous decision was that Heya was a bit hopeless, so she got sent home, leaving Zara and Posh James in the final. And Lord Sugar probably in need of some form of therapy. Or a maths tutor. Either would probably be fine.
Tim says
I really didn’t like this six-into-two format, not least because I think the wrong team won. Yes, Zara presented really well, but Kinetic’s brand name was rubbish, the packaging was rubbish and I didn’t think their flavours would work at all in the real world.
It was harsh on Atomic, in particular Harry H, who had been solid and consistent throughout. Far too much emphasis placed on one task at the expense of those which had gone before it.
Given that the final task emphasises creativity and presentation skills, I fully expect Zara to win now, even though she is some way from being the best candidate.
http://slouchingtowardsthatcham.com/2011/12/06/young-apprentice-feta-is-better-as-james-and-zara-reach-the-final/