Happy Halloween! Lots of love, The X Factor. And boy, what a massively inconvenient (or should we say SPOOKY) set of affairs the week offered up for Saturday Night?s show. These devastating (or should we say GHOULSOME!) happenings came in a threefold sequence throughout last week.
1. Kelly Rowland is for some reason angry and in America.
2. Rhythmix have got sued or something and now have had to change their name to LITTLE MIX which isn't as funny as ?Micheal Barrymore?s Pool Party?, ?Team Logic? or ?Sophie Habibas? but we guess it'll have to do.
3. Some bloke left either The Risk/Nu Vibe and a man from either The Risk/Nu Vibe replaced him. Maybe. We can't be sure, because we don't care.
These are the stone cold FACTS, so get use to it ? because we not entirely convinced we’re in Kansas anymore like we usually are obviously, but instead in the United Kingdom watching the X Factor despite any cognitive differences instead.
And the producers still had time to provide the judges with drinking glasses with X Factor logos on, which put the cultural significance of both Factor helicopters and large masses of people making the X Factor logo with their hands in massive, massive perspective.
?Be afraid Britain! It's FRIGHT NIGHT? Peter Dickson begrudgingly informed us, with half his soul ripped out as per usual. Oh awesome, they’ve cancelled X Factor and put on Fright Night, have they? Blimey, isn’t that unlikely. We hope it's the 3D 2011 ‘comedy remake’ with Colin Farrell, rather than the muted?pallet, repressed sexuality through the medium of werewolves, 80s contextual references but-it's-the-original-movie-so-we-HAVE-to-like-it-bullshit version!
Oh wait, it's still the X Factor. Well that wasn?t a very accurate intro really.
?Your scary Saturday night starts right here!? Dermot lied, to an apocalyptic fanfare of werewolf howls and Wilhelm screams clogging up the atmos, like we’re in bloody… Jaws 2 or something! Terrifying. Then he had the audacity to come on stage with eight lycra clad slave-women, immersed in both ‘banter’ and ‘choreography’. But we don't want to talk about that.
Now, before we get started – we have a bit of bad news about how our pitches to Dermot O’Leary went regarding his opening X Factor comedy gambit he likes to do at the start of every show. As a result of this – we just thought we?d do the exact same thing again this week instead. Because it's never too late to be great.
ORIGINAL DERMOT O LEARY JOKEY HALLOWEEN X FACTOR INTRO
?Tonight is fright night. Things are going to get really spooky around here, but no-one is more frightened than our X Factor contestants!!! One more blood curdling note and they could be on their way home!?
HECKLERSPRAY?S JOKEY HALLOWEEN X FACTOR INTRO AUXILIARY
Hey guys! Tonight it is the precursor weekend to Halloween, which is actually on Monday, but obviously we could not change our viewer?s schedule because we spend a lot of money on making The X Factor. But don't get in a Conrad Flurry about it, because tonight on the show – things are going to get pretty eerie. So you better be ready to Jeckyl and HIDE because contestants have been suffering with acute adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depressive moods all week, so they’re not mentally strong enough to maintain regular social activities right now. Talk about Myra Spine Tingly! So remember – if the X Factor singers sing terribly tonight, there is absolutely zero chance that they will be going home because our audience?s are not professionally trained tonality experts and usually have?impeccably?awful judgement. 9/11-a-fying!
Or something to that effect. We’ll get Graham Norton’s joke-writers to gloss over it later.
So who will be replacing Kelly Rowland who is for some reason angry and in America? It's only bloody X Factor 2008 (probably) winner Alexandra Burke! And hold up those schizophrenic handbags, cos Alexandra aint taking no shit from Tulisa way over there! (sitting directly next to her, inches away) That's for sure! Not that Kelly is absent due to a fallout with Tulisa, and not that the X Factor would dare allude to that entirely fictional piece of information in any way to evoke interest. Oh, and Tulisa wore a catwoman outfit, just in case Anne Hathaway hadn?t extracted enough sexual charisma out of that character yet.
First up of course was The Risk. Who have had the toughest week EVER, according to Tulisa. Well, Tulisa, we hate to be picky about this ?but we suspect that's a little white lie.
Okay, so it's a BIT RISKY, but pah! You know what the risky Risk are like with all of their sex and their jackets and god knows what else. With only 2 days of rehearsals with their new band member Azerbaijan, or whatever his name is ? The Risk somehow manage to hold it together for never performed since 1984, Micheal Jackson forgotten gem THRILLER. A terrifying song to be singing first on the X Factor, ESP after the Halloween edition of Strictly Come Dancing too.
Come on, this isn't very funny guys. You should know really, after such a tough week. We’re not laughing. The backing dancers even look petrifying, exclusively wearing produce from the Lindsay Lohan Leggings Company. Eerie enough for you?? No? Well, they also turn a song originally termed as ‘disco funk’ to ?cool?, so maybe you should take that to the Hate Bank, eh, HATERS. Even Alexandra Burke agrees they have a ?little something something?, which is an amazing point amazingly made, but we can't help wonder what Kelly Rowland would have said. Probably something different.
Dermot used a Frankenstein joke and correctly?differentiated?between Professor Frankenstein and Frankenstein?s monster, because this is top quality Saturday Night Entertainment programme.
Next up was definite prodigal son of the next 30 years of pop music and all round Pina Colada fan Johnny Robinson. ?Here?s Johnny!? Johnny exclaimed excitedly in his VT. We have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. ?That's from The Shining.? Johnny later explained. Oh. Shut up Johnny.
Johnny defies all forces of music/gravity/atheism by singing in clothes designed with cotton and with a human man in mind, as opposed to Astronaut Porn Dungeon Keepers ? as is the norm, and sang Ole Devil Called Love from ?the past?, with nothing but candles, and a piano and a Brian Friedman restraining order. He's finally done it guys. He’s finally out-masculinated a non-descript but altogether very feminine woman. ?Amazing. Amazing to the extent that Gary Barlow surgically removed Simon Cowell?s arse-clamps and lumbered on stage as fast as his legs (which have been cursed and made of stone) can carry him to give Johnny the loving caress of a man Johnny had read about in so many Truman Capote novellas over the years. It was mesmerizing and a bit like the best moment on TV ever, had this not happened first. But it did, and we have to fill in the Kelly Rowland cocaine quota somehow. Tulisa patronised Johnny MASSIVELY calling him a ?little bit sexy?, ?whereas Alexandra went for the more medically accurate analysis of Johnny ? discussing sincerely that ?You sung your little heart out.?
Sophie ?Check out the upcoming syllables? Habibas (Yeah Peter Dickson, whatever.) was up next to perform, but not before taking us back to her hometown in Islington, LANDAN where she used to be a LANDAN barmaid in LANDAN. But enough of that now. That's all in the past, and now she is singing Nancy Sinatra with an up-bun. You can literally cut the tension with one of Jamie Oliver?s down to earth cockney knives, as she sang the song with a grotesquely LANDAN accent. Yknow. Because Kate Nash did it 4 years ago, and it was really endearing.
Everyone told Sophie she was rubbish, but only because of the absence of KELLY ROWLAND, ergo, the only woman in the United States of America who could possibly have brought out the best in Sophie, obviously. Alas the best we have is Alexandra Burke, Via Kelly Rowland, Via Derek Acorah at the moment, who simply tells Sophie that she has the ?ability to shine?, presumably because you automatically lose 60% of ?sass? when you try and transport it from beyond the afterlife. Sorry. We've completely lost our minds.
Next to sing was Marcus Collins, who we still kind of don't care about remotely for some reason. Probably because we're terrible. Marcus sings Superstitious, except with an INXS bassline, cos he is the ?musical one? of the group. Every specifically music-based reality TV show needs one after all. It sounds relatively fine, mostly because we have heard of both Stevie Wonder and INXS. The choreography however could’ve used a little bit more of Tara Palmer Tomkinson doing the lyrics to Penny Lane in sign language though if we’re all being incredibly honest with ourselves. But maybe that's just us. The judges are still for some reason trying to convince us that Marcus is straight, with Tulisa basically handing Marcus over the Nobel Peace Prize for daring to wear a bit of make-up during his performance (Reminder: This is a Halloween themed edition of The X Factor) ?The last time I saw a certifiably hetrosexual man wear make-up he got stoned to death right outside my doorstep because we were terrified it might be one of those dangerous queers.” Tulisa thinks but does not say.
Last week, Tulisa was an absolute absurd excuse for a human and stirred large vats of shit and lies about Misha B, seasoned with Gary Barlow’s lucidity and Hugh Laurie’s marital happiness. This week, Mischa was sure to put those rumours to rest, by explaining to us, the sympathetic British public, that she once got lost in a field but it’s all part of growing up or something. We weren’t really listening. But Constantly Disregarded X Factor Voice Coach Man was, so that’s okay. Nonetheless, Misha is BACK to show dem bitches what for in a Say No to Racism t-shirt, despite not having the musical inspiration of Kelly Rowland, who is the only black singer in the world. Mischa sings a Tainted Love MASH-UP because she frickin LOVES Freelance Hellraiser it when The X Factor producers make her do that every single week. This is to do with the fact that when you put more music on top of other bits of music’ it sounds really cool. Also, for some reason she was wearing a massive wooly phallus on her head, and also a hood, which was also really good and logical and cool.?And you’ll figure all that out one day too when you get YOUR Cosmopolitan Blog Award. Everybody loved Misha, even though she’s a certified callous bitch. Louis Walsh did a ghastly Kelly Rowland impression. Alexandra Burke shrugged.
The SPOOKINESS continued with Janet Devlin, who just for Saturday night, sang in the key of Halloween! That’s out of tune, by the way. Also, you can tick ‘Crimped hair’ off the never ending list of Bella Swan-tastic things to do before you die, if you like. Louis Walsh did his god awful Kelly Rowland impression again. FOR GOD’S SAKE.
Oh WHAT. You know how they did that first really big war and then they did that second considerably bigger world war with MORE of the world in it? Well following Janet was of course Frankie Cocozza. FRANKIE COCOZZA. Eurgh. ARGH. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. Oh my god we’ve got a brilliant idea. Let’s not write about him. Okay. Brilliant. Cosmopolitan Blog Award 2012 here we come.
So that’s the calm before the storm, the eye of the storm, and then the SHITSTORM covered. Now on to the Storm Lee portion of the programme, with Kitty Brucknell. Oh Kitty. People forgot to like her again despite all the child abuse and?glaucoma?and whatever else it is she’s been injecting for the past week, and Kitty found herself in the bottom 2 – which she obviously talked about in a deeply morose way for a bit. God, CHEERS GBP for that. We could have chopped down some of Frankie Coccozza’s ill deserved self esteem, but no. We’ll just hack away at the mental complex-ridden pensioner instead. Kitty sang Sweet Dreams Are Made of These And Always Sung on the X Factor, and it was very good. She did that thing at the end where she puts her arm in the sky and then the music goes OOMPH, because she is constantly Hercules. (Disney version, not actual. That would be sparsely inaccurate.)
Absolutely Any Combination of Words Will Do As Long As You Don’t Actually Say Their Actual Band Name were up next. Or Little Mix if we HAVE TO. SEO is Best-io. ?Anyway. This week was almost as devastatingly awful and 9/11-y as Tulisa’s other group Nu Vibe or The Risk we honestly can’t remember. Anyway, Little Mix had a terrible terrible week because one of their band members was SO ugly they got sued by a charity. We’re joking, we’re joking… We understand how hard it must be to be emotionally stoned to death by the internet, even though we ARE the internet. So we’ll try and cover this as sensitively as possible. The Ocelot One from Little Mix had been having a bad time of this week, due to insults and diatribes through ‘Twitter’ and ‘Websites’. We think this is absolutely wrong, and we totally TOTALLY get low self esteem issues, we DO. But Roy Walker always told us to say what we saw, so it’s a bit of a Catch 22 really.
Nonetheless – ‘Little Mix’ (*Tightens leather buckle*) did a lovely job of singing ET by Katy Perry. So whatever we may have said in the past about The Animals of Farthing Wood Faced one from Little Mix, just know that feminism will always be there to combat us in the end.
Last to perform is CRAIG COLTON, who sang Set Fire to the Rain whilst wearing a massive duffle coat, so we refuse to write anymore because Craig has insulted our intelligence.
THE RESULTS!
A few things.
1. Cher Lloyd turned up and sang what simply must be THE NO.1 SUMMER ANTHEM OF 2011. In late October.
2. Nicole Sherzinger has to make pop music using sad synth now, and it’s all Lewis Hamilton’s fault.
3. We have seen the OK.com joke, and are now letting it pass over, to join Bruce Willis in Heaven.
4. Tara Palmer Tomkinson on Comic Relief does Fame Academy is absolutely the best thing about tonight’s X Factor by a clear country mile. LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS SHIT. Bloody hell. Just say no THANK YOU Mr Drug Dealer, I’ll stop at 7 E’s, ta.
5. Alexandra Burke’s jutting head is the worst pilate class ever.
6. Alexandra Burke is still amazing.
7. Kelly literally phoned in sick so she could vote off Sophie (Oh yeah, Sophie went. Cosmopolitan Blog Award.) and sounded exactly like dishonesty and Bryan Cranston’s lung cancer acting.
8. Mischa sang “Catharsis (I didn’t say nuffink)” by Kings of Leon, and we all forgave her for being a bitch.
9. Cher Lloyd hasn’t slept in years.
10. Justin Hawkins thought the show was terrible.
Can we go to sleep now?
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Sue says
Sophie, can we have a bit less clever clever and a bit more actual reviewing pls? Your reviews are becoming increasingly incomprehensible and less funny as the weeks go by!
Sophie says
Oh Sue. After all we’ve been through together.