Alright guys. First thing’s first. Here’s a paragraph about maths, and the fun that maths brings.
It’s Week 14 of The X Factor now, and basically that’s quite an astonishing amount of wasted time. But the big BIG question is: Just how much astonishing amount of wasted time? ?WELL FRIENDS, by the hands of?Pythagorean law, we can deduce?14 hour ?75 minute long shows, except for all the ones that were 2 and half hours instead, (deservedly so, obv) not to mention the definitely necessary results shows too, which are around an hour a piece. We roughly round that up to around 34948 BILLION hours of the X Factor.
Thats 34948 BILLION hours. That’s ages. Do you know what else we all could possibly have done in 34948 BILLION hours? Lots of ?other unrelated things, that’s what.
So.. You know. Let’s think about that. Not right now obviously. The X Factor’s on now.
So, it’s MOVIE NIGHT on the X Factor and that can only mean one thing! Someone will sing a James Bond song, and everyone else will sing songs, and assume that they are in films. After all, there are literally quite a lot of films. Like Eastenders – Last Tango in Walford, A Ricky and Bianca Special now available on DVD. That’s sort of like a film. And you know. The Next Karate Kid. That’s DEFINITELY a film.
Dermot of course?entered?the stage with gold prostitutes, as per, and Gary chastised him for not taking the singing competition seriously, which is a good point and perhaps we all should sit down and have a talk about that at some point.
This week the god-awful shit blizzards that are Dermot’s X Factor introductions, gestated to the point of casually throwing in the phrase ?Jedi pop knights”. And the reason he says this is – we don’t have a fucking clue. Not one co-investigator at the NASA center returned any of our calls to help us reach any sort of emotional conclusion. Nasty NASA. Just another one of life’s great mysteries, we suppose. Like Atlantis, Stonehenge, or Eastenders – Last Tango in Walford, A Ricky and Bianca Special.
First up to sing was Craig Colton’s left side of mouth, much to our delight and crushing discomfort. Craig was incredibly?privileged?to be given the token “Hey guys, here’s a thought. EVERY single James Bond film has a song in it for definite!” production choice of?License to Kill. First thing’s first. A lot of people saying License to Kill is rubbish on various social networking bunkers. Would just like to say that License to Kill is not rubbish at all, is it. You were mistaken. It’s okay, there’s no need to be embarrassed. It’s natural. It happens to the best of us. You had an underlying potassium deficiency and weren’t really feeling all that hot. ?Hey. Totally okay.
Of course none of that was at all relevant when Craig Colton then went on ahead and tuxedo’d the shit out of ?it, therefore making the song null and void forever anyway. Louis didn't like the song choice, because he is an idiot. Tulisa doesn't like it either, which she says with clean hair oddly enough. Oh no wait, it's just dry shampoo again. False alarm. Kelly loved it though! Know why? Because she loves everything, because she is an awesome, sexy, together young whore. Why do X Factor not encourage personal hygiene by the way? Is it because everyone feels guilty and want to punish themselves? Oh right then. Gary made his points on the matter perfectly cast iron clear by wearing a carpet jacket. Well said.
So how did Craig feel about being battered to death verbally by ‘women’ and ‘Louis Walsh’, with the only person in the world defending him being the man who wrote The Flood?
?Well I think it’s one of the best theme songs of a Bond song? is what. Good point well made, Craig. License to Kill is so fucking amazing that it gets its OWN THEME SONG. We’re going to press the hell out of the Grooveshark love heart button on THAT little number later.
?It wasn?t a great Bond song, let alone a great song. I AM A STUPID IDIOT.? added Louis.
In one of the ad breaks there was a bit of a?maelstrom?of confused feelings of a nation when it for some reason transpired Westlife are still doing things together even though they split up 85 years ago. Not a big problem, of course. Just a bit worried we won’t ever get the closure we need and deserve on that one. That’s all.
Returning from all that hustle and bustle and?brouhaha then, and on toward Janet Devlin singing a Sixpence None The Richer CLASSIC (If you like) from the Academy Award-laden remordernist movie (or ‘video poem’ as we like to think of it) How to Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Oh that’s good. Is it the Heath Ledger version of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You? Because if it is we suspect that's the real reason he died five years ago, so he wouldn't have to be in the same atmosphere as that event going on. And you know what else? Heath Ledger wasn’t even in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days, he was in Ten Things I Hate About You, so that’s even worse.
But before all of that bollocks, we first have to help Janet decide which shit dress to wear for the big night. ?Theyre trying to dress me up as a fairy princess, but that's not me AS WE ALL KNOW.? she told us, before then going to the Twilight premiere, in a dress, before then going on stage singing Sixpence None The Richer in a dress, singing about wearing dresses in the bearded barley, in a dress. What a massive lezzer. Nonetheless, the judges crawl all over her like she’s Ghandi’s answer to The New Ghandi, Ghandi 2 or something along those lines, and Louis announced to the world that she had ?Natural Celtic Charm” as a result. What ?Natural Celtic Charm? would this be? Mel Gibson?s?? Tulisa still can't get over the fact that life is not a Calvin Harris remix, and instead of critique, decides to roll with a collection of sentences of absolutely no worth instead. Which is fair enough.
Dermot O Leary Performance Art Piece, shot in 16 mm film #77
An Interview with Janet Devlin
Dermot: How come you're tall?
Janet: Erm.
Still trying to apologise for 6 weeks of Frankie Cocozza, here was the proper return of Amelia Lily. As Cilla Black might say, that’s a lorra lorra sadomasochistic guilt complexes subtly being revealed! So, Amelia has now taken firm establishment back into the competition, and by that we mean she’s been shoehorned into the M&S X Factor christmas advert in place of Frankie. You may have definitely had your eyes forcibly held open by metal rods and seen that at some point. Poor Frankie. This is exactly like the time everyone woke up and smelt the LOGICAL COFFEE and exiled Kerry Katona out of Atomic Kitten’s Whole Again video and digitally edited in Jenny Frost. We liked it loads (or for an alternative viewpoint, ‘weren’t bothered in the slightest’) when that happened.
For Movie Night, Amelia chose to sang an Aretha Franklin song, by Aretha Franklin. That’s Aretha Franklin, the quite famous singer, Aretha Franklin for you there. You may not have heard of her though, because it’s not like she’s Aretha Franklin or anything. Tulisa, for example – has not heard of Aretha Franklin, which is totally fine and again, fair enough. Thankfully, Gary was on hand to inform us all that the track was a semitone TOO FUN tonight. Good point, Gary. Sorry about that Gary. I’m sure she didn’t mean to go overboard there. Probably just all that Type 1 Diabetes she has.
Sorry Gary. We know that Type 1 Diabetes isn’t the funny kind of Diabetes, really. We’ll strip the chocolate off our Milky Ways and belt ourselves to death in a perversely gratifying manner later, we promise.
But never mind all that now, or you’ll miss The X Factor’s competition to win 10,000 pounds AND to meet Olly Murs! Which is a really great way to make someone absolutely not want 10,000 pounds. But that’s Olly Murs, Singer, Hater of Bob Marley, Presenter, and Human Equivalent of Time Share for you.
Next up was Misha B, having a terrible time once again, and it reminded us all of when Joan of Arc had a terrible time. But it’s okay, because now she can sing I Have Nothing, and Dermot O Leary can make her feel uncomfortable whilst she’s crying! Meanwhile, Gary Barlow emoted.
Little Mix wore tuxedos! We enjoyed Ocelot Little Mix’s the most. (That’s the Hecklerspray ‘THERE IS AN UGLY MEMBER OF LITTLE MIX’ official joke, by the way. It’s so-so, granted. But probably better than whatever the hell Heatworld have gone for.)
Marcus Collins next who for some reason didn’t look like he was allowed to go to the Twilight premiere and has to go in a room and talk to Rebecca Ferguson instead. Probably only because people from Liverpool are?unyielding and?dangerous, so no biggy. This week, Marcus is singing Mark Ronson by Mark Ronson AGAIN, because he has just discovered ‘the past’ about six thousand years into the competition. Maybe next week Marcus will further abandon the noughties, and hum Greensleeves, whilst beating to death the personality of yet another able-bodied woman, in a cravat.
And somehow, somewhere, someday the show ended. So what did we learn? That we fancy Kelly Rowland again? That will have to do. Same time next week?
THE RESULTS
- Rihanna has ANOTHER album out, this one doesn’t seem to have as much vag-play in it as is the norm, however. This equates to us being disinterested.
- Michelle McManus tweets about how she’s confused as to why she’s trending on Twitter because some guy called Craig Colton has been voted off The X Factor.
- Rebecca Ferguson is attractive, so there we have it.
- Bryan Adams turned up, with added old age, and sans 90s Lesbian Version of Mel C. All in all, not a good time was had.
- Lloyd Daniels from Old X Factor once went on a tour of all the UK Shakeaways. That’s a chain of children’s milkshake shops, by the way. Here is a video.
- Dermot talks to Little Mix about something, and Little Mix don’t really hear what he says.
- Janet Devlin gets through. Hiroshima get angsty again.
- Every portion of Tulisa Contostavlos continues to be very very stupid. This week, Tulisa mistakes the universe for a Pitbull song.
- Caroline Flack is ramming one of One Direction these days, apparently. Anyone got anything of worth to say about that?
- Oh, apparently Craig and Danyl Johnson are necking now. We hope Danyl doesn’t throw around his love for Craig in a blas? manner like he used to do with his microphones, when people used to let Danyl Johnson have microphones.
Next week, and we’re not even fucking joking, but Jessie J and OLLY MURS FOR THE 453345453TH TIME will be in the studio. Olly Murs is in the studio every week of course, due to having, oh we don’t know, a JOB THERE or something else ultimately otherworldly to believe, but be that as it may – he will be on even moreso than usual next week for our viewing pleasure.
Wizard.
rosah says
So the reason you write these stupid articles is that you cannot get a real job? That might be because you cannot add. Heath Ledger died on Jan 22 2008. It will be FOUR years then. He has not been dead 5 years. May he RIP and he is so above mentioning in these crap articles I would not even use to wipe my butt on.