Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren’t going to be the same ever again.
Admittedly that’s because there’s now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won’t hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn’t know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night.
But, hey, let’s give you that X Factor recap you’ve been gasping for, eh?
Jamie Archer – Because Jamie used last week’s X Factor to sing a song about crying from a film about a prostitute with Down’s syndrome and about three people didn’t completely hate it, Jamie realised that it was a turning point for him. From now on, Jamie declared, he’d do things his way. And it turns out that ‘his way’ basically means ‘performing Radio Ga Ga to a backing track so deafening that you can barely hear him at all, constantly shouting ludicrous cruise ship singer platitudes like “Are you with me?” at the audience and generally coming off like an obnoxious child in a clown wig acting out his favourite Hitler fantasy to such a horrific extent that it’d cause him to be voted off X Factor forever’. Who knew?
Lloyd Daniels – You know what? We want Lloyd to stay in X Factor for a little bit longer. We don’t want him to win, obviously – we’re not mental – but we’ve realised that Lloyd does provide the best entertainment of every Saturday night. Not with his singing, obviously – we’re not mental – but because of the moment when it becomes painfully clear that his celebrity mentor hates him. Robbie Williams hated him, Whitney Houston hated him and, on Saturday, it turned out that the remnants of Queen hate him too. And you could see why – watching his rendition of Crazy Little Thing Called Love was like watching a barely sentient toddler nervously free-associate to himself. And, despite prattling on about what a big performance he had to give, all Lloyd actually did was stand still while a handful of girls with wing mirrors jutting out of their tits waggled around next to him. That said, it was Lloyd’s best performance of the competition. That said, it still made us want to kill ourselves.
Olly Murs – On Saturday’s X Factor, Olly performed Don’t Stop Me Now, which seemed like an unnecessarily cruel taunt. Actually, that’s unfair. In truth, Olly is rapidly emerging as the frontrunner to win X Factor. That’s OK because a) rather him than Jamie Pubehead, and b) he’s bound to be a Leon Jackson instead of a Leona Lewis, so he won’t be around for long anyway. But there is one thing that concerns us about Olly Murs, and that’s his dancing. At various points through his performance, Olly wiggled his fingers about like a paedophile, violently jerked backwards and forwards like someone was ramming a red-hot poker down his urethra against his will and goose-stepped around like he was cautiously trying to navigate a narrow corridor that had been covered in giant steaming hot clods of animal shit. Maybe he should try shattering his femur instead of his little finger next week. That should put an end to it.
Joe McElderry – Here’s what we hated about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – 1) It was another musical theatre version of a song, only this time the musical would also star Michael Ball and Michael Crawford and be called What A Horrible Bunch Of Cocks. 2) Judging by the profound lack of passion that Joe put into the performance, we can only assume he thought it was a song about somebody looking his slippers. 3) We can’t see Joe McElderry sing without thinking “But if you’re here, who’s starring in all the late-1990s TV commercials for Sunny Delight?” 4) He’s got way too many teeth. Here’s what we liked about Joe McElderry’s version of Somebody To Love on Saturday’s X Factor – no, just kidding. It was unremittingly terrible.
John And Edward – Something really weird happened on Saturday’s X Factor. John And Edward were good. And not good in a ‘wahey, let’s destroy Simon Cowell!’ way, either. They actually showed a base level of musical competency. They performed a mixture of Under Pressure and Ice Ice Baby, and the singing was in tune and the rapping was in time and they more or less danced properly, too. This sounds weird to say, but John And Edward have – gulp – grown as performers. This might be a terrible sign – it means that next week they’ll probably perform a stripped-down, painfully sincere version of I Want To Know What Love Is because they want to show ‘the real Jedward’ to the public – but it might mean that John And Edward and going to keep improving every week until they can cure world hunger with the power of their voices alone. The prophesy was TRUE!
Stacey Solomon – For a few weeks now, X Factor has been buggering about with Stacey’s formula by trying to get her to sing up-tempo numbers, and this hasn’t been good for her. However, on Saturday’s X Factor they just let Stacey do what she does best – blast out a full-tilt power ballad and then gibber like Frank Spencer having an asthma attack immediately afterwards. Stacey’s version of Who Wants To Live Forever – apart from the cheapo fanfare at the beginning which was meant to make her look like the queen but actually made her look like the host of a particularly ropey 1980s gameshow – was possibly the best of the night. It was almost like watching Shirley Bassey belt out a prime-era Bond theme, but not quite as good, because Bond themes traditionally don’t have middle-aged Irish pixies yelling “Stacey, it’s loike yew’ve bin doing dis fer yeers un yeers un yeers” into the sky like fat little dickheads immediately afterwards.
Danyl Johnson – So, Danyl Johnson – the man who’s been uniformly criticised for his unwarranted cockiness since X Factor began – chose X Factor‘s Queen Night to sing a song called We Are The Champions, as originally performed by a man who unironically used to wear a crown and a velvet cape. This was never going to end well, and it didn’t. But not for the reasons you might think – instead of being his usual overbearingly smug self, Danyl’s version of the song was actually desperately underwhelming and not celebratory in the slightest. But still, at least Danyl located what was missing from the original – a bit that goes “Wooooah-a-oooah-a-oooooah” in the middle for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Git.
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Swineshead says
Gummo’s a great film! And there’s only one scene with a downs syndrome prostitute. There’s also cat-whipping and dwarves wrestling.
Will says
Wow, this was one of the most arrogant, full of itself, poorly written and obnoxious reviews I’ve ever read… well done! :)
Spectrum Games says
Brilliant – as funny as f*ck!
The X Factor is such a pantomime – and I really hope Jedward win it. I can’t believe people are still taking the show seriously – they chew em up and spit em out (the contestants) without remorse.
Re-name it ‘The Judges Ego’s Factor’ I say.
Keep it comin’ for next week!
Spectrum Games
MissB says
If you despise the xfactor contestants so much.. why watch it?
I cant believe how much of a dick you have been about this, is it because you have no talent, not even a talent in writing or is it just because you have an incredibly small penis that you feel you need to over emphasise on someone elses faults?
Get over yourself you arrrogant prick!
magnetite says
You’d better watch MissB. She’s a pirrrate.
Jacqui says
Ahaa, brilliant, as usual.
Trying to read this without almost choking on my tongue from laughing so much is a wasted fantasy; and I’ve already given up on it.
Jedward rule, like, they were actually amazing on Saturday.
I gave up on taking the X Factor seriously a long time ago, and I’ve gotten into an uncountable amount of arguements with those people who take it a little TOO seriously.
Reece says
Jamie can sing better than Lloyd and Lloyd can sing better than Dreadward. I dont think Danyl is a git, but I kind of agree with everything else. Very funny!
I also think that Jedward should win to Simon Cowell the winner he truly deserves.
tegen says
I think, If I am being completely honest, that most of the things you write in your weekly columns are completely wrong. I know that you strive for ‘controversy’ but I think its a disgrace.
All you are doing is making the public angry and want to vote for the acts more, so whatever you are hoping to achieve by your columns, I’m sorry to say, but it just isn’t working.
And Lloyd Daniels is only 16 years old, and has a lot to deal with already after constantly being knocked by all the other judges such as Simon and Louis after it was said on the show that he was ‘Out of his depth’ and ‘Simply not good enough’ This is hard enough for anyone to take, but let alone a young boy who lets be honest, probably has the biggest following out of anyone.
And my last point is the fact that you also slag off Jamie Archer, who is one of the most talented on the show and again, like Lloyd, gets knocked down by the other judges after Louis Walsh said on the show that he was ‘Unoriginal’, ‘Out of his depth’ and a ‘Wannabe Rocker’ This is all unfair and not true.
So, in conclusion I think you are wrong to write what you do.
However, I do take on board that you are being honest, but you are not doing it in a respectable way, or in a subtle way that will save the faces of the Xfactor Contestants, who, are real people and do have feelings. So I think you should take that on board.
Thank you.
Tegen says
Ps, Lloyd to Win! And…BRING BACK JAMIE ARCHER!
Tegen says
Also, when Jamie sang ‘Crying’ from the film, Gummo it was amazing and very emotional and I personally do not think he got the credit he deserved.
Also, The same can be said for when Lloyd sang ‘You are so beautiful to me’
sue pike says
What a load of ‘rubbish’ you are spouting, you obviously don’t know ‘talent’ when it’s there before you. Jamie Archer is a fantastic, soulful singer, bon jovi recognised this too. Shut youself away in a box if you can’t say something useful
Stephanie says
Your article did make me chuckle a bit. My only disagreement would be that I really did think Jamie Archer was a very good performer and my favorite on the show. His rendition of “Hurt” was unarguably, to me, the best performance on the show this season.
And I truly don’t get the Danyl phenomenon… I don’t like his voice even the tiniest bit. He sings through his nose!!!! Nasally garbage.
Since Jamie is out… I hope Stacey wins.
abruma says
I just want to see Joe naked.
lisa says
I wish that had been funny and/or accurate, and sadly for you it was neither. This is your idea of comedy? Don’t quite your day job. Assuming you have one.
Kevin says
I feel dirty, but for once in my life I agree with Sting!!!
I feel that Jedward should return to the random spoken word interludes. Forget the Beatles, Dylan and Bowie. Jedward are the greatest musical force ever. One day the doubters will be nailed on crosses, whilst the rest of us suck the milk from The Cowel’s hairy nipple.
Fact!
mcyi9jm2 says
A great review as always, I’m sick of people taking this show so seriously, X Factor it’s so far up it’s own bum it’s untrue, Xtra factor on the other hand is far better and I’d recommend everyone to watch it, you learn far more about the performers and the judges decisions. I’m sick of the show being all about the judges where half the show is taken up with them bickering and they maintain each week they have to save their own act regardless of which is best, it takes away any integrity the show ever had – the American idol format is much better.
Jamie was not a great singer like so many seem to think, I think people were fooled by the arm waving and wooping! He was way cockier and more gittish than Danyl and really was the epitome of a pub rocker, great to dance around to after 5pints but not good enough for the big stage. I hope Jedward win just to take the show down a peg or two especially if they start a spoken interlude revolution!
igor says
you really are an odious little shit aren’t you! I’m not a massive x factor fan, if i’m honest i think the line up this year’s not outstanding. But your attitude, language and not to mention, opijnion of yourself is despicable and bigotted! you need to grow up, leave all careersinvolving writing and go get a job in tescos or work in a call centre. that way you would have minimum public output. You are the reason why this show is rubbish, the writings of people like you who’s life calling can only be a journalist for a local newspaper at best degrades the quality of the show, creates caricatures of the contestants and ignores talent. Grow some balls and shut up!! please.
jamss says
SHIT WEB SITE! SHIT ANALYSIS! ASS_WHOLE OWNER!!!
Jamie da BEST!!!
H says
“frank spencer having an asthma attack” hahahahhahahaha it’s so true
shannon says
I hae Jamie Archer, jumped up arrogant male slag, who treats women like whores!