Yay! Big Brother‘s finished! Yay! That means we can talk about X Factor now! Yay! Until Christmas! Yay! Or until we take our own lives! YAY!
Now, X Factor is still in that awful, unnecessarily long early audition part where people turn up, sing in a hilariously bad way and then go home to develop lifelong violent revenge fixations on Louis Walsh. These episodes barely warrant recaps, to be honest, but how else could we spend our time? Seeing friends? Going outside? Pah.
So here are the X Factor contestants from Saturday who caught our eye – Olly Murs, Demi Cullum and Carla Schettini…
THE ‘GOOD’: Olly Murs
Some things in life are legitimately worse than death. Torture, for example. Or having your face pushed into an obese man’s sweating armpit on the tube in the middle of August. Or – and this is easily the worst of the lot – being called ‘cool’ by Simon Cowell. Because Simon Cowell is the precise scientific opposite of cool. He signed Robson & Jerome. He’s got granny teeth. He nodded enthusiastically when he first heard an Il Divo record. We imagine that his nipples are three inches long. Simon Cowell couldn’t grasp the concept of cool if you spent a month bellowing it into his face through a megaphone positioned two millimetres away from his eyeballs.
And yet, on Saturday’s X Factor, Simon Cowell decided to call Oliver Murs ‘cool’. Olly Murs, for what it’s worth, is essentially what Jack Tweed would be like if he went through a Face/Off-style bodyswap experiment with Bradley from EastEnders. But what was it about Oliver Murs that made Simon Cowell decide that he was cool? He sang Superstition by Stevie Wonder quite well if a little cluelessly, danced like a robot and tried to act out every word of the song like the woman who does the sign language on the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks. All in all he was fairly decent. But Simon Cowell thinks that he’s cool so he may as well just hurl himself off a cliff while he still can.
THE BAD: Demi Cullum
We’re repeatedly being told that X Factor is a singing contest and not a personality contest. This is clearly the case, because if X Factor was a personality contest, then that would suggest that Leona Lewis was in possession of some form of personality, which fairly obviously couldn’t be any further from the truth.
However, the old ‘if this was a personality contest, you’d come first’ line was trotted out for Demi Cullem on Saturday’s X Factor. She’d been singing since she was a baby. Her family had all made banners. She’d decided to sing Saving All My Love For You. The problem was that she decided to sing it really loudly and slightly off-key, so it took a couple of lines to realise that she was actually pretty dreadful. We’re not sure what happened after that – we assume she was rejected – because that was the point that Cheryl Cole decided to do that awful self-conscious Mother Teresa thing of hers and give Demi a hug, so that’s when we had an anger stroke and vomited until we blacked out.
THE POINTLESS: Carla Schettini
Came on, gave Louis a tie, sang If You Don’t Know Me By Now by a band she appeared to call Simple Bread while channelling The Count from Sesame Street if he was being attacked by wasps, and then Simon Cowell gave her one of her trademark vicious tongue-lashings. Except he didn’t. He said it was nice to meet her and then gave her a big moony smile. Simon Cowell’s gone soft. This is the worst X Factor ever.