X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn’t ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss Simon Cowell on his face.
But anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie – a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that’s what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong.
Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let’s give you one…
Stacey Solomon – For Saturday’s performance of Son Of A Preacher Man, the entire X Factor production team did its best to make Stacey look like a saucy little sexpot. How did it accomplish this? By squeezing her into a pair of trousers three sizes too small for her, teaching her to wobble about as if she was drunk and getting her to sing a middling version of a song that everyone is already sick of. Did it work? That depends on your definition of sexy. Would Stacey have looked sexy if she was in a group of supermodels? No. Would she have looked sexy if she was in a sparsely-attended karaoke night designed exclusively for Dagenham-based single mothers and you were a bit drunk and it was about three o’clock in the morning? Possibly. Mission accomplished, then.
Olly Murs – On last week’s X Factor, Olly Murs performed Come Together. And this week he performed Twist And Shout. Incidentally, if this ‘Olly Murs Sings Hits Made Famous By The Beatles‘ fad is going to be a regular thing, can we put in an early request for Revolution 9 next week please? Thanks. Anyway, Olly declared that he was going to make Twist And Shout sound modern, but then he proceeded to sing it in exactly the same way that everyone on the planet has ever sung it. So can we count his performance as a failure? No, because Olly did a little dance in the middle where he pulled a face that made him look like a semi-deflated vinyl sex doll. And vinyl sex dolls are quite modern, aren’t they? Aren’t they? Anyone?
Lloyd Daniels – For X Factor‘s Songs From The Movies episode, Lloyd Daniels decided to sing Stand By Me. You know, from the movie Butt Babes 3 or something. But, to be fair to Lloyd, he did manage to make the song his own. And by ‘his own’, we mean ‘dreary and flat and concussed and terrible’. However, Lloyd knows that his only hope of X Factor survival rests on him being able to act like an adorable stupid-haired puppy, which is why he sang some of his song directly to Cheryl Cole. And that would have been adorable, if only Cheryl Cole hadn’t spoilt it by pulling a face that made it look like she was trying to squeeze lemons with her sphincter. Or maybe that’s just her natural expression. We’ve lost the ability to tell.
Jamie Archer – Now, this is most unlike us, but we’re going to have to award Jamie Archer some points for using X Factor to sing a song from Gummo – the first time a Saturday teatime ITV talent contest has ever referenced a film about a man forcing his Down’s syndrome sister to be a prostitute. However, we’re going to have to knock points off for Jamie’s decision to pick Roy Orbison‘s Crying from the soundtrack, when it would have been just as easy to pick Devil Worshipping Son Of A Bitch by Electric Hellfire Club, Hellish Blasphemy by Nifelheim or Mom And Dad’s Pussy by Destroy All Monsters. And we’ll knock off further points because, rather than sing “I’ve been crying,” Jamie chose to shout “Ugh! Bin! CRAAAAAAYN!” at the top of his voice instead. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie was doubled over for most of his performance like he was suffering from a severe case of gastroenteritis and didn’t know which end he was going to be ill out of first. And we’ll knock off further points because Jamie’s a twat. Only seems fair.
Lucie Jones – On Saturday’s X Factor, Lucie wouldn’t shut up about how her song choice would finally show everyone who she really was. And, since she performed some old shit from a Jonas Brothers film, it turns out that she’s a bland, slightly tedious 10th generation photocopy of Alanis Morissette and nobody likes her. Who knew?
Danyl Johnson – We were promised a new Danyl Johnson on Saturday’s X Factor, and that’s what we got. In case you were wondering, the new Danyl Johnson is exactly the same as the old Danyl Johnson, except he’s got slightly shorter hair. And maybe a little more compassion for humanity as well. After all, Danyl chose to sing Purple Rain which – given the extent that Prince hates YouTube – means that we won’t ever see it online again. Thanks, Danyl! It was a decent Purple Rain, but it probably wasn’t as good as Ruth Lorenzo‘s Purple Rain from last year. Maybe that’s what Danyl needs to make people like him – gigantic tits.
John & Edward – Oh thank God. John & Edward are back to their Oops… I Did It Again best. Choosing to sing Ghostbusters on Saturday’s X Factor was a masterstroke – it doesn’t really have a lot of singing in it, it allowed them to wear silly outfits and – best of all – it had plenty of spaces in it for them both to shout things like “JOHN, SAVE ME!” and “SCARY!” while rolling around on their backs like a couple of babies with shitty nappies. A woman dressed as Sigourney Weaver electrocuted them both at one point. It was amazing. So now that’s out of their system, we’d like John & Edward to try a serious song next week. Like The Greatest Love Of All. Yes, that one please.
Joe McElderry – On Saturday’s X Factor Joe performed Circle Of Life, the song from The Lion King that’s about Elton John‘s bumhole. And, credit where it’s due, Joe knocked out a note-perfect performance – it’s just a shame that it’s a shit song so all the notes were stupid to begin with. The performance started, didn’t really go anywhere and then tailed off at the end, and the only real constant was Joe’s silly grin. Some people grin because they’re happy. Other people grin because they’re idiots. And Joe used to be fat, so he can’t be very happy, can he?