And so it was the weekend when the big pulsating brains behind X Factor decided that they might as well do two shows in two days. That equals around three hours of hot singing action, plus judges comments. Dannii Minogue, fast receding into the background, has ceased to say anything of worth, and the occasional flashes to her still, eerie face have carved her a niche as the only subliminal judge on the panel.
The other three still cast their important judgements, and Cheryl has now taken to the stage on at least three occasions to hug the weeping contestants, much like Mother Teresa would, had she ever been given the chance to get out of the slums to judge a singing contest instead. She’s dead now, bless her. Has been for ages.
Of this weekend’s stand out contestants, there was a prison worker who looked like she was on the game. She’s called Faye. She made Simon’s loins go all funny. There was a band called Harmony Hood, who looked like they’d shiv you in the neck. A big lump of a woman had a bash at Janis Joplin, as her granny looked on wearing a humiliating pink vest. And a couple of Pontins maniacs called It Takez 2 plundered their way through some rubbish song, then had a bit of a cry, because they love each other to bits.
During the second helping, one of the tits from One True Voice has reinvented himself as a father-of-two by having unprotected sex with his girlfriend – and now he’s decided that the only way to stop the little blighters from damn near starving to death is to become a pop star. He has, it seems, a rather short memory. A girl called Amy was the recipient of a limp Cheryl cuddle after she started crying because no one liked her singing. She then blubbed so much that everyone changed from “no” to “yes”. An autistic man got through, prompting Cheryl to question in her head whatever could be wrong with being “artistic” anyway. And to cap a fine series of auditions, a genuine street criminal did a love song. It was very moving.
Plus, of course, there were the usual rabble of unfortunates with genuine mental health problems, wheeled out in front of the studio audience to sing from their cages. Particularly jeered were Jarrod Morrison, who took his top off to reveal the body of a hungry prisoner of war. A set of first cousins, who had clearly used “singing practice” as an excuse to secretly practice kissing without their family knowing. Eyebrows will surely be raised in that particular household now. Plus there was the old woman who wanted to have sex with Simon. She was rubbish.
Great stuff.
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jarrod says
i would love to see you audition you have to pass 3 auditions in april 2009 before you get to audition to simon and co in july . and so shut it you dont know fuck all and what they cut out. including me singing you are not alone with 25000 joining in .jarrod