Well, there it is – the 12 X Factor 2009 finalists have been revealed. This is what you’re stuck with until Christmas, folks.

Over the course of three bone-crushingly tedious hours on Saturday and Sunday night, half of the remaining 24 X Factor hopefuls were dispatched. We lost some real contenders along the way – like Daniel Pearce and Nicole Lawrence – but we also lost that crying opera boy too, so it’s not all bad.

So allow us to introduce you to the 12 finalists of X Factor 2009. One of them is going to win, you know. We’re all done for…

BOYS

Joe McElderry – Shuddering nonentity from the north-east. Not so much a potential pop star as a potential boyband member, and even then he’d probably be the one they make stand around at the back all the time. Still better than Leon Jackson, though. Remember Leon Jackson? God, he was rubbish.

Lloyd Daniels – Lloyd hasn’t made the X Factor final 12 because he can sing, but because he closely resembles a foetus shaped like Adam Ricketts. He might be a juddering watery charisma vacuum, but he’s young and he’s got a silly haircut so the girls will love him. For about three months, then they’ll get bored and look elsewhere and Lloyd will eventually die  bitter and alone in total poverty. Fact.

Rikki Loney – Untrustworthy. Why? Because he’s always wearing hats. Never trust anyone who wears a lot of hats, that’s a fundamental rule. It’s why we also don’t trust Jason Mraz, cowboys or the Archbishop of Canterbury. And Rikki Loney cries a lot, too. We bet he was called Ricky Lonely at school. It’s what we would have done. And his eyes are too close together.

GROUPS

Kandy Rain – If you read the tabloids, you’ll know Kandy Rain as the girl group who all used to be strippers. Then yesterday it turned out that one of them is also a porn star. Who knows, by the time you read this it might have been revealed that one of them is a high-class prostitute from another planet with a talking robotic vagina. Can Kandy Rain sing? Does it matter? They used to be strippers, for crying out loud.

Miss Frank - Without a doubt, at this moment in time, Miss Frank are the act who we most want to win X Factor. They’re not airbrushed or conventionally attractive, they’ve got a rare credibility about them, they can power out old songs like nobody else and – during Saturday’s rendition of Respect – one of them did a little Spanish rap in the middle. Miss Frank are awesome. There, we said it.

John & Edward – We’ve finally figured out what John and Edward look like. Imagine if the head of marketing for Twilight suffered some sort of aneurysm and decided to make little troll dolls of Robert Pattinson. That’s John & Edward. They’re still awful, by the way, but thanks to Louis Walsh their dream of leaving X Factor early and releasing one quickly-forgotten novelty album will still be realised.

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Cheeky cockney and all-round cocky todger Olly has made it through to the X Factor finals almost entirely because he’s a little bit like Robbie Williams. True, he displayed a rare moment of nerves on Saturday’s show, but we sort of think that it was a deliberate attempt to come off less like the overbearing tit that he actually is.

Danyl Johnson – Simon Cowell told Danyl that his first audition was the best one he’d ever heard, something Danyl then mucked up by singing a bad Simply Red song in about 400 different – and equally horrible – ways. Can Danyl pull it together in the X Factor finals? If you even slightly care about the answer to this question, we have some severe doubts about you.

Jamie Archer – One: Jamie Archer has an afro. Two: Jamie Archer calls himself Jamie Afro. Three: Jamie Afro doesn’t so much sing as repeatedly shout “Come on!” at his audience like some sort of horrific Butlins red coat. Four: Jamie Afro often dangles a scarf out of his pocket, making him a health and safety risk around paper shredders and open flames. Five: Jamie Afro is an utter cockwobble.

GIRLS

Stacey Solomon – Don’t judge us too harshly for this, but we think we quite like Stacey Solomon. It’s not so much her soaring, perfectly-enunciated singing voice, which also happens to be quite nice, but the way she flits between that and her weird chavvy speaking voice that entertains us. And she actually seems like quite a pleasant person. Oh God, what’s wrong with us?

Rachel Adedegi – You know what most annoys us about Rachel Adedegi? Her inability to use stairs properly. Honestly – she passed her first auditions and jumped down all the stairs at once. She was congratulated by her family and jumped down all the stairs at once. We want someone to sit Rachel down and explain to her that stairs have individual steps for a reason. Then maybe we’ll vote for her. Maybe.

Lucie Jones – Did Lucie Jones tell you that she’s just a girl from a small village in Wales? Did she? Because she is, you know. She’s just a girl from a small village in Wales. A girl. From a small village. In Wales. Did she mention that? Lucie, it’s a good job you can sing because, christ on a stick, you’re dull.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter