X Factor Bootcamp Recap: John & Edward And Other Awful Sods

john & Edward, X Factor, It Takez 2, Graziella, Shar, ShanieceHey, did you see X Factor this weekend? You did? Good. Then you won’t need a recap, will you?

Because recapping X Factor‘s bootcamp stage is stupidity itself, really. The whole show is just hour after hour of two-second clips of dumpy people going “HUUUUUAGH!” on a stage followed by Cheryl Cole pulling a funny face. It’s pointless. But then so are we, so we’re going to do it anyway.

Here are the X Factor acts who stood out for us this weekend, including Miss Frank, It Takez 2 and, oh heavens, John & Edward

THE GOOD: Miss Frank

If you missed this weekend’s X Factor Bootcamp stage, then firstly congratulations for having a better weekend than we clearly did. And secondly let’s go over what happened. The 200 remaining X Factor hopefuls were taken to Hammersmith, forced to bunch up into groups of three and asked to perform a song together. And one of these groups was formed of Graziella, Shar and Shaniece – three girls who looked like they’d quite easily happyslap you for your chips, but who managed to thump out a version of That’s Life that was genuinely quite mindblowing. So they obviously all went through to the next round.

Except they didn’t. Graziella, Shar and Shaniece all got chucked out of the competition when the X Factor judges were picking their final 50 acts. Except they weren’t. Do keep up. Because right afterwards, Simon Cowell took them to one side and – in one of the most hamfistedly contrived pieces of television we think we’ve ever seen – told them that they’d be allowed to stay in the competition if they became a group. Which they obviously did, naming themselves Miss Frank and rebranding themselves as a sort of confusing R&B/rap hybrid. So will Miss Frank win X Factor? Of course not – they’ll have a catfight three weeks into the finals and split up. Don’t you people watch X Factor? Sheesh.

THE BAD: It Takez 2

You may remember It Takez 2 as the boyfriend-girlfriend duo who just scraped through the X Factor auditions last week. Or you may remember them as the fat girl and the bald chap who cried a lot. Or you may remember them as the group with the name so awful that it made you punch yourself in the face until your jaw came off. No? That last one was just us? Fine. Anyway, they were the first act on in the X Factor bootcamp stage and, even though they teamed up with Just Du-Et (the only act in X Factor history have a worse name than them) and some dreadfully anonymous woman who looked like she was taking a long lunch break from her chip shop Saturday job, they were still far and away the worst act onstage.

Now we know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that the composite members of It Takez 2 are obviously so deeply in love that it doesn’t matter that they were rejected. But you’re obviously saying that because you have a clear mental deficiency. Really, they were terrible. We can’t emphasise that enough.

THE KILL THEM! KILL THEM NOW! John & Edward

Let’s be clear here. John & Edward aren’t a group. We’re not even fully sure that they’re human. John & Edward seem to be the by-product of a sick Pinocchio-style experiment to make real boys out of a pair of Chucky dolls, some hilariously dated 1980s barbershop posters of Vanilla Ice and the concept of Spencer Pratt. And they’re vile – not only would they happily stab you through the heart if it meant they’d get a millisecond of attention, but they’re also the only pair of siblings in history to be made up of two evil twins.

We can’t even begin to list all the ways in which John & Edward offend us – although backflipping onstage and miming out every word of their songs are the two primary examples – because Louis Walsh likes them. Louis Walsh seems to think that ‘the kids’ will ‘like’ them, even though a world where anybody even slightly likes John & Edward isn’t a world that we particularly want to be part of. They’re going to win, aren’t they? Bum.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter


Headline Name: Email: subscribed: 0 We respect your privacy Email Marketingby GetResponse

Comments

  1. Valarie says

    John and edward are a product of what this show is about.. making money… these two 17 year olds are made fun of bullied.. and believe it or not.. told how to preform.. what they say is highly edited… and they are there to be the butt of peoples jokes. They have had nothing but negativity thrown at them..Why? because it causes controversey sells newspapers and really they arent getting paid. Believe me Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh are very good friends and all of this is an act on their parts and the ones that are doing well are the judges making lots of money these poor souls are getting crucified.

  2. Imogen Nahortes says

    They are lovely boys, I know for a fact that they are NOT communists and have never ever spat at old people.
    They remind me of a young Bary White (in double) I cant help but think of Barry when they sing.
    I think people should stop saying that they are vile.
    They are charming and have carried themselves well over the last few weeks.
    SOme people have been saying that they should be killed, but it actualy illegal to kill people (even Germans).
    I think they would be worthy winners of the X factor and would be good ambassadors of the UK, they portray all the qualities of wholesome clean cut British youth!
    I don’t know why Louis hates them so much, after all they are Irish like him so he should champion them!

    Go Boys!!!

  3. CHANTELLE says

    John and edward WHAT A TALENTLESS PAIR OF PRICKS COMPLEAT WASTE OF SPACE WHO WILL BE FUCKED OF HOME IN WEEK ONE GAREENEED TWO BOYS WHO NEED A GOOD BITCH SLAPPING TWO WORDS FUCKING AWFUL

  4. heather says

    John and edward i can not belive that louis put them through they are horrible why why has he done this !!!!! oh my god !!!

  5. Jonathan says

    What a pair of talentless cunts- for once SC spotted a complete and utter waste of time instantly. As for Walsh; just take them home and have your way with them privately.

  6. says

    I’d swear there was a sorcerer knocking these things out from a big vat somewhere in Ireland. McBlarney’s Singing Homunculi.

    Oh, they might look harmless, but Eoghan Quinn was just the prototype. One of these is the male and one the female. Before long you’ll have to get a man in to get them out from under the house; and people will shiver when they say “you’re never more than five feet away from a Jedward, you know.”

  7. Amber says

    Imogen Nahortes, I would sincerely LOVE to know how you can vouch for those two pricks, and as for communism I don’t care what political party they choose to belong to, though I feel very sorry for which ever party has to suffer them, so whether they’re communists or conservatives I don’t care.
    And racist much!!!! “but it actualy illegal to kill people (even Germans).” It shows just how narrow minded a person you are and why no one should believe a word that comes out of your mouth.
    And never again compare the things that go by the names of John and Edward to the legend that was Barry White. Don’t do it, not ever again.
    And unless you have gone completely cuckoo Louis LOVES them for some unknown reason, (Couldn’t be to do with the fact that they’re Irish like him!!) it’s Simon who is seeing sense and hates them.
    And they’re not going to win, sorry to disappoint you, but all the sensible people won’t vote for them because they’re vile little brats.

  8. BOB says

    UR AN IDIOT JOHN AND EDWARD SHOULDNT BE ON XFACTOR THEY SHOULD HVE GONE OUT ON THE 1ST SHOW INSTEAD OF KANDY RAIN SO SHUT UP U IDIOT U DONT KNOW ANYTHINK ABOUT MUSIC

  9. weedoc says

    John and Edward are the best and i hope they go on to win,best performance of the night (31 oct) and who was it who said they would be out in the first night???????? come on boys your the best.

  10. O_o says

    Imogen- WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON?!?!?!?!
    When they sing the actually make me feel quesy!
    They may be nice, but where does that get you in the real world? I can tell you the answer to that: Nowhere.

    They murder any song they so much as THINK about singing, and I know for a FACT that kids HATE them!!!!!

    People praise them for being thick skinned, but they are so young it just bounces off them like rubber! They would be good on a sho like Big Brother, but The X Factor? NO! No one would buy any of their albums, there just voting for them because they think…scratch that, they DON’T THINK at all! People who vote for them are idiots who need to hear how bad ‘Jedward’ really are! Lets all face it: John and Edward Suck!

  11. O_o says

    What were they WEARING in rock week?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    I didnt think it was posssible but they KILLED the colour black. As for their eyes, i sincerely hope someone gave them a good punch to make them look like that! As for having souls, if they DID have any souls they wouldnt force us to listen to that vile noise that they call singing.

  12. mary says

    im a 15 year old kid yeah…. and if louis thinks–

    (but lets get it straight louis doesnt think does he?? !!!! NO!!)

    –he’s right in sayin that teeagers will like these FAKE versions of dumb and dumber then he is sorely mistaken!! the brothers GRIM are the most awful, most wierdest two non human things in the universe.

    i hope somebody with brains can read this message because simon really needs to sort it out!!! if he thinks that HIS show is about the music anymore then he really need to think again!! if john and edward wanted to be entertainers then they should have gone on britains got talent!! that way people like louis walsh have no say in whether they are put through!!!!!! newayyss x factor is no longer a singing contest—- unless what simon thinks is the x factor is a gruesome act who pop out in fake leather catsuits proven to send people into convulsions!!! aparently the dont know why people are voting for them… well simon thats what we would like to know// is louis walsh holing simon cowell ransom saying keep these two pricks in the competition or i will out you deepest darkest secret???? i wonder??!!!!! woulndt put it past the greying old man!! yes he may have been a manager to some of the biggest boy bands in the world and i admit JLS and Westlife are great but that doesnt mean the the terrible twosome are gna be the next greatest boyband everr lets face it they arent even a boy ban they are a duet which comprises of the biggest, most naive idiots in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all i can say is gerofff the stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you both cant sing or dance!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. gegy says

    Chantelle
    What does this mean? Fucked of home. Do you mean “off”? Gareeneed
    Oh yeah “Guaranteed” That one took a while. By the way week one has gone and they are still there.