Hey, did you see X Factor this weekend? You did? Good. Then you won’t need a recap, will you?
Because recapping X Factor‘s bootcamp stage is stupidity itself, really. The whole show is just hour after hour of two-second clips of dumpy people going “HUUUUUAGH!” on a stage followed by Cheryl Cole pulling a funny face. It’s pointless. But then so are we, so we’re going to do it anyway.
Here are the X Factor acts who stood out for us this weekend, including Miss Frank, It Takez 2 and, oh heavens, John & Edward…
THE GOOD: Miss Frank
If you missed this weekend’s X Factor Bootcamp stage, then firstly congratulations for having a better weekend than we clearly did. And secondly let’s go over what happened. The 200 remaining X Factor hopefuls were taken to Hammersmith, forced to bunch up into groups of three and asked to perform a song together. And one of these groups was formed of Graziella, Shar and Shaniece – three girls who looked like they’d quite easily happyslap you for your chips, but who managed to thump out a version of That’s Life that was genuinely quite mindblowing. So they obviously all went through to the next round.
Except they didn’t. Graziella, Shar and Shaniece all got chucked out of the competition when the X Factor judges were picking their final 50 acts. Except they weren’t. Do keep up. Because right afterwards, Simon Cowell took them to one side and – in one of the most hamfistedly contrived pieces of television we think we’ve ever seen – told them that they’d be allowed to stay in the competition if they became a group. Which they obviously did, naming themselves Miss Frank and rebranding themselves as a sort of confusing R&B/rap hybrid. So will Miss Frank win X Factor? Of course not – they’ll have a catfight three weeks into the finals and split up. Don’t you people watch X Factor? Sheesh.
THE BAD: It Takez 2
You may remember It Takez 2 as the boyfriend-girlfriend duo who just scraped through the X Factor auditions last week. Or you may remember them as the fat girl and the bald chap who cried a lot. Or you may remember them as the group with the name so awful that it made you punch yourself in the face until your jaw came off. No? That last one was just us? Fine. Anyway, they were the first act on in the X Factor bootcamp stage and, even though they teamed up with Just Du-Et (the only act in X Factor history have a worse name than them) and some dreadfully anonymous woman who looked like she was taking a long lunch break from her chip shop Saturday job, they were still far and away the worst act onstage.
Now we know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that the composite members of It Takez 2 are obviously so deeply in love that it doesn’t matter that they were rejected. But you’re obviously saying that because you have a clear mental deficiency. Really, they were terrible. We can’t emphasise that enough.
THE KILL THEM! KILL THEM NOW! John & Edward
Let’s be clear here. John & Edward aren’t a group. We’re not even fully sure that they’re human. John & Edward seem to be the by-product of a sick Pinocchio-style experiment to make real boys out of a pair of Chucky dolls, some hilariously dated 1980s barbershop posters of Vanilla Ice and the concept of Spencer Pratt. And they’re vile – not only would they happily stab you through the heart if it meant they’d get a millisecond of attention, but they’re also the only pair of siblings in history to be made up of two evil twins.
We can’t even begin to list all the ways in which John & Edward offend us – although backflipping onstage and miming out every word of their songs are the two primary examples – because Louis Walsh likes them. Louis Walsh seems to think that ‘the kids’ will ‘like’ them, even though a world where anybody even slightly likes John & Edward isn’t a world that we particularly want to be part of. They’re going to win, aren’t they? Bum.