Shoplifting has always been a part of human culture, ever since Zog The Caveman got caught stealing mammoth tooth necklaces from the jewellery counter in Flinty McGinty's Wonderful World Of Weird Neanderthal Shit.
It was only with the 2002 trial of Winona Ryder, however, that shoplifting truly became a worldwide phenomenon.
Why? Because Ryder gave the genre that all-important celebrity endorsement, that's why. And – as we all know – if a celebrity does something, then it instantly becomes ten million billion times more fashionable and impressive. That's the reason for all those George Formby tribute bands coming together the nation over, now that the Arctic Monkeys have pioneered the movement.
For those of you unaware of dear Noni's past exploits, she was caught six years back walking out of a Beverly Hills clothes store with $3,000 worth of unpaid-for clothing. For a moment she actually tried claiming that she was 'researching for a role', before abandoning that approach when she realised it was the worst excuse since John Wayne Gacy said that the 27 guys underneath the crawlspace were just 'having a nap'.
You would think – after being sentenced to three years probation and 480 hours community service – that she had learnt her lesson, wouldn't you? Weeeelll … you'd be wrong.
Winona was reportedly wandering around the Hollywood CVC Pharmacy quite recently when – upon walking out – she set off an alarm that drew the attention of security. A store employee reveals all:
"Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for."
Winona's excuse? It's not a great one. Hecklerspray was kind of hoping that she'd say something about being so damn turned on by the thought of making sweet love to sarcastic British entertainment journalists that she briefly forgot herself. However, her actual reply is a little less elaborate:
"I don't know how that happened."
Deciding not to kick up a fuss, the staff apparently just took the merchandise back and let Winona be on her merry way. Winona's publicist at first rigorously denied the story, but then mentioned – on hearing that the store had officially confirmed all this – that she'd check the story details with her boss one more time.
It stands to reason that this could all be nonsense. The Hollywood CVC Pharmacy could simply be trying to get a more exciting reputation for itself, after all. Trust us, it's a pretty boring place – hecklerspray itself has visited this very establishment while in the lovely state of California, and didn't see anything apart from massive packs of Skittles and extremely reasonable Budweiser promotional deals.
Oh – and Jessica Alba stuffing a load of Nyquil tablets into her bra, glancing around and giggling while whispering 'sleep makes me feel like a special little lady.' But she's there, like, every night, you know?
Read More:
'Sticky fingers' Winona Ryder in new shoplifting scandal, claims magazine – Daily Mail
Comedy Blog says
That first paragraph is hilarious. Keep up the great writing.