As we all know, it’s rude to insult the dead. They’re dead. They can’t hear what you’re saying, and they can’t be rude back. Plus, it’s probably quite disrespectful, because, you know, they’re dead. Come on. What kind of person are you?
Anyway, the point is that we’re not going to say anything rude about Heath Ledger‘s English accent in The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, because he’s dead, and it would be a cheap shot. Instead, we’re going to list some other attempted accents, that may or may not be worse than Heath’s, whilst kind of hinting that perhaps they were better. What we’re not going to do is come out and say that his accent was totally rubbish. We’re not that cruel. We would never say that. Ever.
The man’s dead.
Here are some other appalling stabs at sounding English…
1. Forest Whitaker, The Crying Game
For those who haven’t seen it, The Crying Game is mainly remembered for the scene where that couple start snogging. He’s feeling her boobs, she’s groaning like a lady does in those situations, it’s all getting pretty sexy. Then an unexpected penis falls from her knickers, everyone starts dry puking, and your friends start screaming and shouting at you to turn it off. It’s kind of an event movie in that sense. But before all of that, you do get the chance to hear Forest Whitaker chew his way through a London accent, like a chimney sweep eating a toffee. Not great.
2. Mischa Barton, St Trinian’s
Not the hardest working actress on the circuit, Mischa Barton actually claims to be English. And yet, when cast as an English girl in St Trinian’s, her portrayal appears to involve speaking in perfect American for nine words out of ten, before attempting something that sounds part-English/part-racist for exactly one word. It’s the equivalent of an Englishman’s ‘American’ consisting of no accent whatsoever, but the word “shucks” bookending every sentence. Lazy.
3. Keanu Reeves, Dracula
It never feels quite right, mocking Keanu Reeves. It’s a bit like poking a fat kid in the stomach, and repeatedly going “hey tubby” with every prod. It’s like bullying. His life is probably hard enough already, what with him being an atrocious actor and everything. So we’re not going to say too much about his attempts at the Queen’s English, beyond JESUS MAN! WTF?? Someone PAID you for this? That’s it, we’re all going to kill ourselves.
4. Marlon Brando, Mutiny on The Bounty
Such a wonderful actor, that Marlon Brando. No one will ever forget him buttering up that woman’s less mainstream orifice in the movie about France, nor the time he came in and out of pools of light in Apocalypse Now, looking really rather creepy. And neither, sadly, shall we ever forget the time he clumsily attempted to sound like an educated Englishman, but came across rather more as a wealthy landowner who was about to rape you, whether you liked it or not, in Mutiny on The Bounty.
This was a guest post by Josh Burt from lovely lovely Interestment
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johnny says
You should have done some research before writing this piece.
Barton does not have an accent(british) because she was playing an American character. I think she actually talks about it in one article in a magazine.
bbstings says
“…about to rape you, whether you liked it or not…”
An interesting spin on the old rape concept there.
nathalie says
I saw part of the crying game and Forest Whitaker did a really good british accent, so I have to disagree with you there.
Also if you want to see a truley pathetic english accent you should watch Charlize Theron’s cameo appearance on arrested development.
GI Joe says
Angelina Jolie as Lady of the Manor and Tomb Raider Lara Croft?
Mind you it’s nowhere near as bad as Don Cheadle’s criminal attempt at Cockney in Ocean’s 11/12/13.
Only he could make Dick Van Dyke sound like a naturalized Londoner!
harry says
There’s usually quite a lot of collateral damage when an American attempts an English accent in a film, but the reverse is also true. We still remember Lawrence Olivier attempting to speak in a drawling, sarcastic manner when he portrayed Big Daddy in a television presentation of Tennessee Williams’ play. It seems there was something about that Louisiana accent that caused Olivier to stiffen up into an oddly detached sort of Creole zombie, uttering sounds that no American ever heard before. Although one could understand his words, no one could understand why he was talking that way. And who could forget Albert Finney as Daddy Warbucks? It must be said he got a lot of phonemes just about right (approximate locale of Chicago actually), however his overall intonation produced the effect of some mythical New Jersey gangster who was trying to imitate Frank Sinatra. It was distressing because we like our gangsters to be from Chicago.