Celebrities have this thing where they have to one up each other in the baby naming department. Who can come up with the wackiest combination of words to form a name for their child? It’s like a game! So fun! Publicity!
Now, I know that everyone has a right to name their youngins whatever they want. Who am I to judge? What makes me an expert?
I don’t have any good answers to those questions, but I do love to judge, so here’s a list of what I have deemed to be the strangest celeb baby names:
20. Tennessee James – Reese Witherspoon
It’s assumed that this name is an homage to Reese’s hometown of Nashville, Tennessee, but we all know that what she really wanted was for her son’s name to sound like a cheap brand of whiskey, that people like hobos or myself would enjoy drinking.
19. Calico – Alice Cooper
Calico Cooper. Her name just rolls off the tongue, like that of a stripper or a fictional detective in a children’s book series.
18. Suri – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
Tom and Katie thought “Suri” meant “Princess” in Hebrew. Well, they were wrong. Apparently it actually means “go away,” “pointy nose,” or “pickpocket.” I’m sorry, Suri. Your parents know not what they do.
17. Apple – Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
On why she and her husband chose the name Apple, Gwyneth said, “…I just, it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me, you know apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome, and it’s bibilical and it’s just, they’re so, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and…”
And I just, you see, I just thought that, you see, I just…you see…fruit.
In keeping with the biblical theme, they named their son Moses, because Banana would just be way too weird.
16. Bronx Mowgli – Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz
When baby Bronx was born, it was very trendy for celebs to name their kiddies after places in the U.S. “I don’t know, it’s just a cool name,” said Wentz. Like my band Fall out Boy. Remember us? We are cool. So is The Jungle Book. It’s just cool. I loved Mowgli, man.
15. The children of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore – Rumer, Scout and Tallulah
Wait, so Ashton Kutcher isn’t one of the kids? Oops.
14. Prince Michael II/Blanket – Michael Jackson
I like to imagine an exchange at the Jackson household that went something like this:
“Blanket, do you want your blanket?”
“But I am blanket!”
“No, blanket, I mean do you want your blanket?”
“But I am blanket!”
13. Maddox – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Maddox is a Celtic name meaning “beneficent,” which is fitting because Angelina loves to remind herself (and everyone else) that she performs the charitable act of adopting one child per week.
12. Kyd – David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
Gotta hand it to ’em. These two just cut past all the bullshit that comes with naming your child. “Kid” was just too obvious, I guess.
11. Bardot Vita – David Boreanaz
This name’s literal translation is “Beautiful Life.” Just kidding, I don’t know what this name means, but her parents probably think that’s what it means.
10. Destry – Steven Spielberg
What is this name? What is this word? Google keeps thinking I mean “destroy.”
9. Zuma – Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Everytime I hear Zuma I think of Zima and wish that they had named their son after an alcholic beverage that teenagers from the early 90s were puking up on their parents’ front lawns.
8. The children of Robert Rodriguez – Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue, Rhiannon
“Maybe I should give my children names that sound like Hot Wheels!” – Robert Rodriguez .
7. Satchel – Spike Lee
What’s in a name? Well, lots of things. Satchels can hold many different kinds of items.
6. Kal-El – Nicolas Cage
Kal-El was Superman’s name on the planet Krypton. Nic Cage loves old Superman comics, but doesn’t love his child enough to give him a normal name like Clark, Superman’s name on the planet Earth (where we live).
5. The children of Frank Zappa – Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen
Do we really expect anything less from Frank Zappa? It’s like he wanted his children to band together to form some kind of intergalactic space team. And they would call themselves “Cosmik Debris.”
4. Tu Morrow – Rob Morrow
Tu Morrow, Tu Morrow, I love ya Tu Morrow, I’m sorry your parents named you Tu Morrow. Can you imagine how frustrating spelling the word “tomorrow” is going to be for her?
3. Jermajesty – Jermaine Jackson
I sincerely hope that this boy makes everyone say, “Yes, Jermajesty” after everything he says.
2. Pilot Inspektor – Jason Lee
No pressure or anything, Pilot, but your parents are basically giving you two career options, here. No, I don’t know why they misspelled inspector, either.
1. Audio Science – Shannyn Sossamon
In defending the choice to name her son Audio Science, Sossamon said, “We wanted a word not a name, so my boyfriend read through the dictionary three or four times.”
Oh well, then it’s totally cool. You read through the dictionary. That totally explains things. I can see how Audio Science probably just jumped from the pages.