Pah. You call Twilight a cult hit? It sniffed the top of the box office charts like a dog round an anus before tootling off to lick its own genitals. Yep, after a measly week, it limped off the top-spot in what I can only hope was a mass realisation that vampires are, in fact, rubbish.
They are though. What kind of baddie is weak enough to be scared off by a glove of garlic? And Robert Pattinson looks like a rubbish Lion-O, only his character has a cock that is glittery and colder than someone sulking in an igloo.
So as Twilight: Eclipse slides down the bannister, so too does Despicable Me which gives up the top spot in favour of Inception – a film which features Leo DiCaprio who still looks like a nine-year-old boy with an iron filing beard stuck on his cushiony face. Anyway, full US weekend box office top five after the jump…
1 Inception. Oooh. How bloody clever it all is. It makes people coo whilst their brains are tickled for the first time since they saw The Matrix. And it has Leonardo DiCaprio in it who you used to fancy, but don’t any more because he’s now something called ‘an actor’.
2 Despicable Me, the feature-length cartoon that stars Russell Brand and Julie Andrews, will invariably be watched by adults despite the fact it is clearly aimed at dribbling, simple-minded children. That’s okay though. Why not wheel out that tried and tested “…duh… it’s like The Simpsons and has some jokes in that only the parents will get… hur hur hur” line which hasn’t ever been used to justify grown-ups watching animated characters fall over a lot.
3 Thank God The Sorcerer’s Apprentice came along. Nicolas Cage needed to show us all, once again, just how much he’s steeped his acting chops in the style of William Shatner and Adam West. In this HILARIOUS goofball fantasy bollocks, he teams up with the typical kooky good-looking Disney drone who is required to go “WHOA!” and do faces like he doesn’t get it all, before getting whatever it is Nic Cage was telling him about whilst dressed as a vagrant.
4 Twilight Saga: Eclipse is a film for people who haven’t grown pubic hair yet. You can understand why they want to watch this film as it is about a sexless trowel headed bat-human who likes being emo all the time. However, bafflingly, adults have decided to buy into this horse-piss franchise in an ironic way, not seen since Patrick Swayze died.
5 Toys comes to life in Toy Story 3 to make people cry and gurgle at how realistic the animated hair is in the second film that comes from a pointless franchise in the box office chart. Basically, this is the usual Pixar sentimental rubbish that idiots like you lap up for fun before going to bed in your Winnie the Pooh nightie.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
just because you decided that twilight is rubbish doesn’t make it even remotely true. you seriously have no clue on the issue of twilight and the phenomenon that it is. as a proud member of the “cult” that is twilight i can assure you that we are all just taking a breather before hitting the theater for our 5th and 6th servings of Eclipse.
i hope this blog posting of yours comes back to bite you in the neck….have a nice week…
It’s one thing for everyone to voice their opinion…no matter how much I disagree with it, but it’s a whole other issue to be vulgar and offensive by it and that’s exactly what you are. Vulgar and offensive. I wonder what drives those feelings? Envy? Jealousy? What a jerk! I agree with the Twihard commenter. I hope this article comes back to bite you, but not in the neck.
Just because you hate Twilight doesn’t mean you can bash on it and its fans like that. We have our rights to choose what we like to watch and what we don’t like to watch.
Rubbish ? Oh shut up already. If you don’t get it or care for it you’ll never understand it so move on but to trash it for no reason is lame and immature. Yes the movies look cheaper then there suppose to but what can you do when the studio is cashing in as fast as they could so they can stay afloat. And in turn these movies don’t get the best acting or CGI. These books don’t deserve a low budget movies but trash ? Come on we all know we’ve seen worse. And it’s just hate at this point and I find it stupid. Let’s move on hating on Twilight because it’s popular and a cool macho thing to do.
Yea, sure – rubbish
And the profit of it – 500 000 000 already – is actually so small and shameful to any movie 
DDDDD I don’t know guys how about you, but i don’t understand why somebody waste their precious time to be haters 
it so silly and pathetic 
And why on earth they think, that sweet, nice (maybe naive) movie with no violence, sex, drugs et. ct. is bad? Why? That movie speaks simple language, which is understandable to any one. Is this that bad?
boy you are a LOSER! yet a freaking life!
hz – I’m losing the plot here. Who are you insulting? The previous commenter? The pro or anti Twilighters?
I haven’t enjoyed vampire stories since reading Dracula as a teenager and have not strong feelings either way as I have not read books or seen films and do not wish to do so. However, I feel your comment is gratuitously nasty. There’s an old saying along the lines of, if you can’t think of anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. (Unless it is a serious ethical matter of course).
It’s me again, do me a favor and jest to prove this “expert” wrong… go to the theater this week- take a couple of friends and go enjoy a matinee or a evening showing of Eclipse… I plan on doing just that…
Have fun (-:
While I am not “Twihard” or “Twilighter” like many of the commenters, I must say I have to agree with them. You’re stupid and ignorant comments lit up the web page. Obviously you are not qualified to make these remarks and it is evident you have no intelligence when it comes to film at all. As far as your comments on “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”, you say the film is “rubbish” and “for children”. In case you haven’t noticed, people of all ages watch these movies quite simply because it’s a fun summer blockbuster. It’s very mood heavy which can appeal to teenagers, and can appeal to adults because of its similarities to old classic films that were watched generations before you. Please discontinue your horrendous web page because it illuminates your ignorance.
You don’t like much do you? Quit being so negative its boring.
You’re a moron. What a waste of space this article was.
I really hope no one paid you to write this rubbish. I am second hand embarrsed for you man, lame lame lame.
ive read all the comments here and i must say i like vampire films but twilight it just naff, the plot is just a soppy love story and nothing to do with vampires as all but if thats your thing go for it but please stop preteding it anything more that a cheap cash in. ive watch 2 of the 4 made so far and want the few hours of my life back that i wasted watching this trash