?Wanna get married??
?Alright (checks watch) but I can only do it for 72 hours.?
?Okay, cool, best get a move on then.?
This is obviously what Kris Humphries casually said to Kim Kardarshian over a pint down their local pub one night; both dressed in velour.
So, with a list as long as a human leg of celebrity marriages that we have so gullibly followed and photographed, why is another tits-up-wedding SO scandalous and shocking?
For decades we have followed celebrities through their mixed-up journeys from the first spotting of an engagement ring (ooh!), to watching them break the news to the press (yay!), to then purchasing a copy of Hello! Magazine lapping up the double page spreads of plastic smiles and awkward-arms-around-the-waist-from-behind shots in the perfectly manicured gardens.
We start to feel genuinely rather happy for these couples and their long and prosperous life together. Congratulations Celeb, through all the silicon and surgery, you finally found LOVE! Real, unadulterated human love! But hang on a minute, why are we all now ferreting around in our pockets to fork out another fiver for another Hello! mag claiming to cover the FULL STORY about your divorce on page 6? WE ARE NOT MADE OF MONEY!
?So Kim, why the fuck bother?? is a question currently teetering on the edge of many tongues. Why didn't you save yourself the time and the pain and the money? (Oh, wait, you did save on the money). You wouldn't have had to do any pre-wedding crash diet or gym sessions, or faff around with florists and bouquet designers, or stress about picking a crop of bridesmaids who can't be too fat because they won't fit in the wedding pictures, or too skinny because they?ll show you up/steal your husband.
There would be no pretending your mother-in-law isn't making everyone drop a pack of Neurofen like they were at a Skins rave, or go through thousands of pain-staking dress fittings to only get accidently poked in the minge with a sewing needle. There would be no nightmares about accidently telling your fianc? you think his dad is fitter than him or any worry about losing the passports before the big honeymoon.
And most of all, there wouldn't be any flashes of cold feet when observing your soon-to-be-husband dribbling cornflakes down his t-shirt, and thinking: ?Oh god, you're hideous?, whilst beaming through a fake smile of secret hatred.
Keeping in mind this cynical theme of what ALL WEDDINGS are actually like, if you're going to do it, why not do it PROPERLY. And that also goes for the publicity stunt. Why 72 days? Didn't they know Britney had already grabbed these headlines the first time round in 2004 with her quick-in-and-out marriage to the dude-whose-name-no-one-can-ever-remember?
Britney rang her lawyers crying a mere 55 hours into her marriage, which is probably the rough time it took her to sober up. That's the time nowadays that the morning after pill is still effective after getting fruity the night before. So, you're basically, Britney and her old flame decided to sack off the whole marriage malarkey in the time they could have had a shag, a lie-in, go shopping and then casually pop into Boots for a little bit of last-minute-birth-control? That is the type of story people gawp at. It's as though Kim went to the hairdressers and got her hair cut an inch shorter, to then afterwards complained that she wasn?t getting as much media coverage as ?that time Britney shaved all her hair off.?
we're bored, love.
Another reason Kim and Kris?s wedding drama comes in as sloppy seconds is because Britney just got a bit too pissed. You know, like when you think it's the best idea in the WORLD to dance to 50 cent with your boss right before an 8am meeting. It's just a temporary blip; we've all been there. You've all had a few, your colleague Neil is looking more attractive by the second and you've still got another hour of dancing left in you. As it gets later, you're realising how you are not just single anymore, but you have entered into the new realms of being REALLY and VERY single. On the Single Scale, you are now a healthy 9 and for goodness sake you want to save yourself before you reach a 10. That's why Britters had a story to tell, even though people would never admit it, they can actually relate to her, as she fucked up and had a ?but it was a good idea at the time? sob story.
It is for these reasons why Kim Kardashian has pissed off pretty much everyone. It seems too scripted and too neatly tied up, just like the stack of dollar bills piled up in her bank account. Greedy bitch. This is why we cannot relate to this story and no-one likes being conned by a busty brunette Barbie. The sensationalism to this story is not something most people can relate to, as surprisingly, not everyone can have their wedding filmed for a humble 17.9 million American dollars, and for most people who live in the real world: divorce is bloody EXPENSIVE. And not to mention that with divorce comes some seriously nasty disagreements about who gets to keep the dog.
What an absolute waste of time, money and paper. Just think about the poor trees every time you see a Kardashian on a magazine cover. The TREES! It’s not just us. Vera Wang is livid for pain-stakingly crafting three wedding dresses, taking the time to make them chesty enough to control Kim?s massive knockers; Hansen?s in LA who whipped up ?20,000 worth of eggs and flour for their ridiculous cake, and not to mention poor Kris, who looked like he'd gone and had a spray tan for the occasion and everything.
This was a guest post by Emma Gannon who has a lovely face but a terrible, nauseating musk. You can abuse her here if you like.
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Sarah says
OK, I hate myself for doing this too but: It’s painstaking as in take some pains (or trouble) over it, not pain-staking as in stick a pointy bit of wood in Kim Kardas- Oh.
As you were then.