Hold on to your hats, kids – according to a newspaper, a footballer might be a bit sexually promiscuous.
We know. It’s bizarre, isn’t it? To think that a member of the footballing profession – a profession that requires the strength of a superhero, the brains of a rocket scientist and the sound moral judgement of a clergyman – could actually cheat on his wife with a prostitute is a shock beyond words. And to think that the footballer responsible was allegedly sensible, trustworthy Wayne Rooney – an unflappable rock of a man who has never once lost his temper in his entire life – well, we’re dumbfounded.
After all, it’s not like Wayne Rooney has ever done anything like this befo… ah, actually, wait, no. Sorry. Sorry. Our mistake. Whoops. Ah, this is awkward.
In a way, footballers have got the best job in the world. They might all have faces that make them look as if they were caught in a blast at the Mr Potato Head component factory, but they’re so rich that they can often overcome these shortcomings by having it off with as many prostitutes as they like. It’s just a shame that they tend to do it while they’re either married or engaged.
First Peter Crouch was accused of sleeping with a teenage Algerian prostitute, and now Wayne Rooney has allegedly followed suit. According to some of the Sunday papers, Rooney cheated on his pregnant wife several times with a 21-year-old prostitute called Jenny Thompson, and now he fears that his marriage is in tatters. The Sun reports:
Tearful Rooney was said to be “in meltdown” last night after Jenny’s shock revelations in our sister paper the News of the World. The star made a series of calls to Coleen, mum to his ten-month-old son Kai, and promised to get help for his fixation with prostitutes. But Rooney’s shocked cousin Natalie, who famously bared her boobs at Coleen’s 21st birthday party, branded him a “dirty bastard”.
Now, to be fair to Wayne Rooney, he hasn’t made a public admission of guilt yet, so it’d be wrong to assume that the rumours of him sleeping with a 21-year-old prostitute are true. It certainly doesn’t sound like his sort of thing. She was pre-menopausal, for a start, which we didn’t think he was all that keen on. But what do we know? Maybe Wayne Rooney made Jenny Thompson act like an old lady instead – perhaps he drew some wrinkles on her face with a pencil and got her to complain about immigrants and reminisce about the days of pre-decimalisation until he ejaculated into her denture cup.
We’ll have to stop this now. Thinking about this is making us far too aroused.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
The highway of hypocrisy is littered with self righteous reporters!!!
You could at least do with a bit of decency in your remarks man.Everyone can make mistakes and like the good Lord once said ,[ he who is without blame,let him cast the first stone''], but I guess that is way beyond you and your ilk.
Emmanuel – don’t go quoting ‘The Lord’. I mean, he killed over 2million people in the Bible. We’ve done sod-all compared to that evil fuck.
although to be fair, they’re only writing the type of stories that get the interest of self righteous readers…..I mean we all clicked that link and read up on the juicy details…..maybe on more than one site even.
Ah yes the sanctimonious rite of religious heckling, slightly less pious than celebrity heckling.
“They might all have faces that make them look as if they were caught in a blast at the Mr Potato Head component factory, but they’re so rich that they can often overcome these shortcomings by having it off with as many prostitutes as they like. ”
Wow, you got no prejudice about footballers, do you?