Well. What a week THAT was, are we right avid reader? There’s been things going down; the Titanic, Heather Trott, Tulisa Contro-Contos-Whatever, things coming up; the price of pasties, petrol and penises in front of Tulisa (we’ve reached the quota of Tulisa blowjob jokes, worry not).
We’re very surprised that any has any eye fluid left after seeing such awful things going on in the World, and that’s not even taking into Tim Lovejoy and Simon Rimmer moving channel and effectively upsetting all the hungover teens in the country.
All the terrible things that have happened this week don’t mean an iota because y’know what happens soon? It’s only Easter time isn’t it! The time of year that we come together as a united force to perform the rites that make the zombie carpenter’s son stay dead for another year. We’ll all be so full of chocolate and other various sugar riddled carcinogens that we won’t care about anything other than what is playing out before your very eyes: not the scenes of your elderly grandmother silently squeaking out farts before demurely wafting her handkerchief to dispel the noxious fumes, or your young niece vomiting loudly after eating a little too much chocolate, but what is on the telly box.
So imagine how lucky you are to have us telling you what to watch, and giving you plenty of notice to tell people who try and convince you to go and do something outside of your house to bugger right off and never darken your door again. Or at least until after Easter.
You Are The Weakest Link, Goodbye, BBC One, 3:45pm
You couldn’t move at one time for the frozen facet of Anne Robinson slagging someone off and making them sweat at the sight of any ginger person. She’s been on Doctor Who, and she’s even taken the show to America. There was even talk of blasting her into space so she can permanently take up residence orbiting the Earth insulting people from space. But eventually the demand for the Weakest Link waned and was replaced by Noel Edmund’s dying lion looks and Total Wipeout.
The final show is on today and sees Anne bring back her favourite twelve contestants (read: the only people who didn’t suffer from extensive mental trauma at her hands) from the past twelve years for one last attempt to destroy them. It’s just a shame that we’ll never see Wagner Carrilho spar with the Queen Of Mean.
Once Upon A Time, Channel 5, 8:00pm
Here at the hecklerspray bedsit, some of us love revisionist fiction, which for the morons reading this, is fiction that looks at an already established piece of fiction and gives more of a backstory, and perhaps gives the whole thing a more sinister twist. ‘Wicked” by Gregory Maguire is an excellent example of revisionist literature because it looked at the life of the Wicked Witch of the West and posited why she became so anti-gingham. We lap it up time and time again. We don’t care how many beloved Disney characters turn out to be rapists, although Donald Duck was a bit of a push.
The premise of Once Upon A Time puts us looking squarely at a village which is being terrorized by the curse of an Evil Queen; a town called Storybrooke, and it’s up to a sassy bail-bondsman and bounty hunter (yep, really. Bounty hunter) Emma Swan to free the town once and for all. It’s also created by Adam Horowitz who wrote episodes of Lost and the frankly, BRILLIANT Birds Of Prey. And if nothing else comes of it, at least it isn’t footage of old people drowning on the Titanic.
Modern Spies, BBC2, 9:00pm
Remember when you were a child, and between forcing down questionable fish fingers and latent homosexual feelings, you pretended to be a spy on Her Majesty’s Secret Service (or His, we’re not ageist here at hecklerspray), running around the estate holding an imaginary Walther PPK. What a great life that was. No one knew how expensive pasties were going to become, or how absolutely abhorrent Simon Cowell would make TV. At the time Cowell was only threatening us with Sinitta.
Well Modern Spies will rekindle the violent part of your personality by tracking the history of the spy, from James Bond to Jason Bourne, hopefully skipping the god awful Sky series, Sky, with some lovely words from actually spies who’ve killed actual people and probably know the best way to impregnate a woman, fight off angry Russian peasants while abseiling down a dam. You might learn some interesting facts, or get a bit of a wake up call; is it that bad being an office monkey if you could be held by terrorists for years? We’ve seen Spooks. It only ever ends being killed or having sex with Rupert Penry-Jones then being killed.
The Undateables, Channel 4, 9:00pm
It must be awful being disabled. You’re life is turned upside down, perhaps from an accident, or perhaps from a genetic disposition, and you’re just expected to carry on regardless. Getting a job is easier said than done, and that’s not even taking into travel arrangements, but what happens if you want to find a love?
That’s where The Undateables comes in. It follows a group of people with disabilities as they try and overcome all the barriers (including the public’s opinions, you awful people) and have a happy love life. Sounds heart warming, upsetting and hilarious all at the same time. Like when your cat dies and you reminisce about all the times that it shit on the good carpet when it was a cute kitten.
Our Food, BBC 2, 8:00pm
Giles Coren is fast becoming our favourite hecklerspray man-crush (speak for yourself, he’s a tit – Ed). He’s angry, gruff, he’s got a child so he’s a great big DILF and he’s a friend with Sue Perkins (who we’ve loved since Late Lunch in the early Noughties). The man literally has everything going for him. Perhaps it’s our low standards but we could always have a slice of Giles Coren first thing in the morning. He’s been given his own show about food, and Our Food sees him travel the country looking at the history of our food. This week sees him go to Norfolk where he gets all sweaty as a Cromer fisherman and then tells us how important turnips are in the history of British farming. To be honest Giles could talk about anything and there’ll still be one of us sat silently with a cushion over our lap, like some 80s teenager who’s just caught sight of Kelly Le Brock’s minge for the first time.
Angry Boys, BBC Three, 10:30pm
If you were unfortunate to catch the first series of Angry Boys when it was shown earlier on BBC Three, then you have our utmost sympathies. The sooner people realise that Chris Lilley has done nothing funny. Summer Heights High, although a clever concept, badly enacted and self indulgent, and this arrogance was brought onwards with Angry Boys, which was a broader look at the youth of Australia and the problems they faced. Except what actually came to our screens was a selection of unpleasant characters which verged on racist, and didn’t leave anything but an unpleasant taste in your mouth.
Just because self aggrandising journalists say that something is funny doesn’t make it so; have we not learnt our lesson with Noel Fielding, Michael McIntyre, John Bishop, Rhona Cameron, Omid Djalili, Patrick Kielty and Paul Whitehouse? Everyone should just get a grip.
The Preston Passion, BBC One, 12:00pm
There’s nothing quite like enforced religion on our TVs is there? Now that Fern Britton has been jettisoned from normal TV and took it upon herself to be the voice of religion now that everyone’s forgotten than Diane Louise Jordan ever existed, we have the patronising smile of Britton to tell us the many ways we’re going to Hell. Today though she is focusing her attention on the resurrection of Jesus and his wild journey around the Middle East (which was probably nothing more than the combination of hysterical grief, a lying prostitute and someone looting a grave) and introducing a series of short dramas draw on the themes of condemnation and crucifixion but setting them in Preston. It seems a little like what an A level student would attempt, but fear not, you’re off for three days, this could be genuinely hilarious. There may even be hymns.
There. There. We’ve got nothing else for you. Eat your chocolate and leave us alone.